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Just had the worst morning of my life - heartbroken....

(39 Posts)
MandM Thu 28-Apr-05 12:59:00

Oh girls this morning has been horrendous. This might get long and rambling so for those of you that bow out half way through - I don't blame you. I am sat at my desk at work blubbing like a snotty nosed mad woman.

It was dd's statement review this morning. Had posted on here the other day about understanding that the statement process is horrible but is the right thing to do in the end etc. etc. - probably serves me right.

Basically dd already has a statement in place that is relevant to her year in nursery (we actually have had a very good, pro-active relationship with the LEA, which I know some of you haven't), and it has now come round to review time to make it relevant to her reception year and to make sure there is enough time to get all the support etc needed in place for September. We applied to a good local mainstream primary, for the main reason that it is all on one level therefore fully accessible to dd, and were accepted, no questions asked. I was a bit apprehensive about the meeting because it's always daunting with so many people there and hearing all dd's "bad" points being discussed but I was fairly confident that we knew what our aims and objectives were, so off we went. Fine..all well and good.....but.....
After the 7 other professionals present (10 people there in total incl. dh & I) had taken an hour and a half all to have their say about dd's current statement, improvements she's made, amendments needed and provisions to be put in place at her mainstream school for September, the headteacher of the mainstream primary looked straight at dh and I and said "Can I just ask why you choose my school for M? Because basically after what I have heard this morning, I don't think it's a good idea at all, she'd be like a fish out of water"
WTF!!!!!!!!!!! The LEA rep. was horrified as were most of the other people present.
Fair enough, if there were reservations about her ability to cope in mainstream schooling and a suggestion that maybe the Special School route would be more beneficial to her we would have been perfectly open to that.......IF it had come months and months ago and from the appropriate person! As far as I am concerned what he was actually saying was "I have got a nice little CofE school in a good catchment area, with excellent SAT results, we are high up in the league tables and I don't need the hassle of an SEN child to mess up our cosy routine and drag us done a place or two". Then he had the cheek to say "but you're very welcome to come back with me after this meeting and have a good look for yourselves". By which time I was in floods of tears in front of everyone - which is not like me - but please, talk about inappropriate timing.

So now, we're left in limbo. The meeting was drawn to a swift close because nobody could really go any further. I would not dream of stepping one foot inside a school in which we are not welcome so what do we do now????????!!!!!!!!!!! Help.......

Plus, we then got told if we're going to look round other mainstream and special schools we need to make a decision in the next two weeks...I've got exams in a week and we're off on holiday in two...oh why is everything so hard??

jollymum Thu 28-Apr-05 13:07:36

SN mums will be answering I'm sure, but hugs to you 'cos I didn't want you to think anyone doesn't care

oops Thu 28-Apr-05 13:10:28

Message withdrawn

Jayzmummy Thu 28-Apr-05 13:18:49

MandM....you poor thing...how horrid...sending hugs.

I cant believe the cheek of the woman and to be quite honest I would avoid her and her school like the plague.

Having had the experience of having a child in a mainstream school, were his "little whims" caused upset to the stats and figs, I know what you are talking about when you mention SEN children rocking the boat.

Have the LEA provided you with a list of schools within your area that may be suitable for your dd?
Can you ask other mums with SEN children in your locality which school they feel meets the needs of SEN children well?

Im just trying to think of positive things to send you.....I know you must be so upset by the head teachers comments.....at least you saw her true colours before your dd was actually a pupil attending the school.

Good Luck....thinking of you....and no doubt someone else with far better advice will be along soon.

maddiemo Thu 28-Apr-05 13:21:28

I am so upset for you. I wish the government and LEA would realise that there are still so many anti inclusion schools around.

If you have parent parnership call them and ask which mainstream schools they know of with a good sn reputation. I hate to say it but good sn schools are, imho, not those at the top of the SATs tables.

Ring all local primaries that you would consider and fax or deliver a copy of dd's statement and ask if they feel their school could meet her needs.

The Head of that school is not allowed to discriminate against your daughter, but at the end of the day who wants to send their child somewhere that they are not welcome.

Very angry for you Mandm

eidsvold Thu 28-Apr-05 13:23:46

oh MandM how horrible.... His response has shown his ignorance.... how can a SEN child muck up his league tables. FWIW I find it bizarre how hung up people are on league tables etc. ( must be a UK thing?!?) It also appears that the head has not done their homework if they have accepted your dd and now are not sure....

I would have put the ball back in his court and asked why he felt the school was unsuitable for dd. I would have asked why he felt she would be a fish out of water. I know this is easy in hindsight.

Sorry things are so hard. I have not had this experience yet - dd is only 2. THings are made hard by people who are ignorant and unwilling to be open to new experiences and learning experiences.

Sorry you have had a crap day .

sylvm Thu 28-Apr-05 13:35:08

It has already been said MandM but I'm really sorry. I think, though, that in the future you will probably look back and think how pleased you are that you didn't send your daughter there. With the Head's attitude being like that, it would have been unlikely to work and you might have had to change schools. Good luck with trying to sort something out.

sylvm Thu 28-Apr-05 13:36:09

It has already been said MandM but I'm really sorry. I think, though, that in the future you will probably look back and think how pleased you are that you didn't send your daughter there. With the Head's attitude being like that, it would have been unlikely to work and you might have had to change schools. Good luck with trying to sort something out.

sylvm Thu 28-Apr-05 13:36:57

It has already been said MandM but I'm really sorry. I think, though, that in the future you will probably look back and think how pleased you are that you didn't send your daughter there. With the Head's attitude being like that, it would have been unlikely to work and you might have had to change schools. Good luck with trying to sort something out.

sylvm Thu 28-Apr-05 13:48:25

It has already been said MandM but I'm really sorry. I think, though, that in the future you will probably look back and think how pleased you are that you didn't send your daughter there. With the Head's attitude being like that, it would have been unlikely to work and you might have had to change schools. Good luck with trying to sort something out.

MandM Thu 28-Apr-05 13:57:27

Thanks everyone - incl. dinosaur from the other thread - not sure what happened there - I think my computer is empathising with me!

I am glad in a way that we found out that she wouldn't be completely welcome at that school but it is just the whole 'What do we do now?' scenario that is really getting to me. I was complacent (obviously overly complacent) in thinking that we'd ticked all the boxes; statement in place, school place accepted, statement review booked, parents evening next week to buy the uniform - then this, like a bolt out of the blue.

Like I said, he might have had some valid points that perhaps others should have raised, and dh has voiced his concerns over, but the timing is just ridiculous. I feel like everything we had planned has come crashing down around us. Just don't know where to start with looking for another school.

I'll be OK tomorrow and ready to deal with this, I'll have a spreadsheet of schools, headteachers, phone nos, appointment times etc on the go and will be ready for action! We've been through enough highs and lows in the last few years to know that we always come out stronger at the other side, it's just so **ing frustrating when you think that for once you've planned and planned and planned until you can't plan anymore and you still come up against hurdles.

Just had an egg mayo sandwich and a Caramac to cheer me up! Have been avoiding eating lunches in preparation for baring my bikini body - but sod it today!!!

KarenThirl Thu 28-Apr-05 15:57:24

Hi MandM. Sorry, I've only just got to this cos my PC was running slow...

So sorry that it's all gone pear shaped when it was looking so good, but glad to hear that you're feeling better and more in control about taking the bull by the horns and getting something done. In a way you've been very lucky to find out what this school was really like before you sent dd there - it could have been disastrous otherwise and now you have the chance to make it right. I'm sure you'll find a way. Sending hugs in the meantime and hoping you get the right place for her soon.

Davros Thu 28-Apr-05 16:04:09

Hi MandM, how awful! FWIW I think the Head made himself look stupid but that doesn't get you anywhere. What Maddie says is true imo, often the school with a "diverse" population is better for kids with SN although the one you were going to send her to sounds small which is also good..... but tolerant? Good luck with the phoning, what a PITA. I am very of the Caramac!

Pages Thu 28-Apr-05 16:29:47

Hi MandM

I am soooo furious on your behalf. That woman obviously has neither tact, nor sensitivity let alone any kind of understanding of what it is like to have a child with SN. This is exactly the point I was making on my thread a few days ago which you so kindly responded to.

I know it means more hard work and back to looking around again for you but I agree with the others, best you found out now what her attitude was. I know it is not exactly the same but my DS got rejected from his first nursery when he was only 18 months because he was too much like hard work for them, and I was devastated at the time but subsequently found a new (mainstream) nursery a few days later which is so many million times better I still to this day (10 months later) can't believe my luck, and often cry when I talk about it - they are more than inclusive, they just do everything they can for my DS and adore him too. So maybe it was fate pointing you towards another much much better (and kinder) school.

collision Thu 28-Apr-05 16:37:13

The headteacher must have felt awful though after making you cry like that and in front of all those people! Serves him right.

Maybe his words came out wrong......some people have no tact at all.

I am so sorry you have had a bad day and wish i could have a Caramac too....they are my fave and I cant get them where I live!

anniebear Thu 28-Apr-05 16:43:00

Oh that is so awful, what a horrible thing for him to say.

anniebear Thu 28-Apr-05 16:45:55

Did he say anything when he realised he had upset you? (or was he too ignorant to realise?)

Blossomhill Thu 28-Apr-05 16:48:59

MandM - you poor thing {{{}}}
I cannot believe how insensitive that woman was. I mean it is your dd they are talking about fgs.
I had a similar situation when my dd went to ms. At first they were all up for her going but they really didn't have a clue and were out of there depth with her tbh.
When dd changed to the language unit things improved immensely all round for all of us. Being in a specialist environment that understood dd really made a big difference.
I know it must seem overwhelming right now but in the end when you do find the right school for dd it will all be worth it

JakB Thu 28-Apr-05 18:26:05


Absolutely outrageous. I hope you find a FANTASTIC school and, in the end, you are glad the head showed their true colours... Absolutely outrageous. So much for inclusion

LGJ Thu 28-Apr-05 18:32:11

milge Thu 28-Apr-05 19:29:56

. So sorry you've been put through this. what a hideous little man.

heartinthecountry Thu 28-Apr-05 20:02:01

- didn't know you could still get Caramacs....

This is exactly why the government's inclusion policy just doesn't work.. well, one of the reasons. (Sorry, won't get political.)

that you had to hear such a horrid thing in such a tactless way and have my fingers crossed that you find a lovely school with a very welcoming open minded headteacher very soon.

Thomcat Thu 28-Apr-05 20:30:10

I', and and on your behalf. You poor things, that must have been awful, i can't imagine it tbh, jesus, no wonder you were in tears. On the plus side better you find out now what a tosser runs the school. Not the same as you at all but there were a couple of schools / nurseries I wanted to send Lottie to, wanted to that is until I was faced with the ignorant attitudes of the teachers. I've now found perfect places for her and am so happy, I hope and I'm sure the same will happen for you.

They don't deserve her, remember that, you'll find someone/somewhere that does and you'll be so happy.

Lots of love TC x

rivers Thu 28-Apr-05 20:30:44

Sorry you had such a bad morning MandM, I cannot believe that Head . I hope you find a great school for your DD, where she will be very happy.
Take care
Rivers.

coppertop Thu 28-Apr-05 20:55:32

That's bl**dy awful, MandM. I suppose there is at least some consolation in knowing that all of those other people now know what a horrible little man he is.

When I was choosing a school for ds1 I was warned well in advance that the Head was an absolute dragon but that the school was wonderful in spite of her. They were right. She was determined to keep ds1 part-time for the entire year but was swiftly outmanoeuvred by ds1's lovely class teacher. When ds1 turned out to be academically strong her attitude changed a bit. Then came the day when she made a serious c*ck-up in a school assembly and she's been avoiding me ever since. I guess what I'm trying to say in my usual rambling way is that a school can be a good choice even with a Head from hell but that unless you know in advance that this is the case here you are right to run for the hills.

Good luck. Another one here about that Caramac.

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