come and calm me down, am pregnant and worried and I need friends.

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

dd2 stopped moving at 35 weeks and somehow my intuition dragged me off to hospital, she somehow survived but does have CP.If left to the health professionals she'd be dead, it was only my insistence that kept her alive. We were so close to losing her.

I'm now pregnant again - 18 weeks and the anxiety is piling in. I haven't felt the baby move today and it's killing me. I worried that whatever nearly killed my dd will get this baby too.

I don't give two hoots if this baby has SN at all but I need this baby to be alive. I just cannot cope with the idea of losing this baby who I love so much.

The midwife is good and says they will monitor me closely later in the pregnancy but I'm only 18 weeks and already the worry is setting in. No-one in real life gets it, no-one knows how it feels to be so close to losing my dd. They all think I'm worried about having another baby with SN but I'm not.

I'm also having to have a blood test on monday as have been exposed to slapped cheek. It's just one thing too much. Sorry, I know I should post on pregnancy but this is the only place that feels like home .

[saint2shoes]

I wish I could tell you something to make you not worry, but I know nothing.
but please don't take this the wrong way but form one mum with a child with cp to another....you need help.
IU might get flamed for this but....if I was you i would tell the midwife that you have one child with cp, if because they don't check this up and something goes wrong you will sue the pants off them.
I am sorry but I have used this myself, for example, the new sling doesn't turn up on time, I phone and tell them if my back goes I will sue. I get the sling. you need to shout loudly.
I am sure all is well, but I really can understand why you would be worried.

[Chellesgirl]

Did you deal with the feelings of dd2 having SN and nearly dying? Did u speak to someone about it?

Now your having the same feelings, does it feel to be anxiety or instinct something is wrong?
Theres nothing wrong with wanting the consultant to make sure everythings ok. I aksed for a follow up scan bcus I nearly lost dd at 16wks.

Id ask for a scan, early as youll be getting one in 2weeks anyway. had MW been round to listen for heartbeat?

[anonandlikeit]

Hi, Has the baby had a very regular pattern of movements up to now?
My ds2 was born at 28wks also becuase he stopped moving & when we went to hospital for monitoring he was found to be in severe distress. He also has CP.

I can only imagine your anxiety now, at 18 weeks movements can be very irregular & not particularly strong.
Not trying to be dismissive just reassuring.
Follow your instincts again, if you thing the pattern of movement has changed hugely then go now for a check.
Like you, if we had left ds2 & my GP not insisted that I be monitored he would not be here now.

Have you tried all the usual things to stimulate movement?

[daisy5678]

Probably a really stupid idea, but could you buy/ borrow one of those things that monitors heartbeat - are the Dopplers or something? Just to reassure you?

Poor you. Probably useless suggestion, but didn't want to read and run.

[Woooozle100]

hi hangingbelly. Can really empathise with what yr saying and I was exactly the same when pg second (well fifth really but second progressing pg) time round. I did worry about sn as well as losing baby also.

My mom who had sb has told me she went so far the other way (or tried to)in trying to block out worries in subsequent pgs. She had very little expectation that her pg would yield a baby at the end of it, she didn't fret about it, she expected it

My advice is to vent - here if rl friends don't get it

Talk to yr mw and ask her to clarify what 'keeping a close eye' involves. What is the plan? I had fortnightly then monthly scans cos of my history of iugr. Are you under consultant care? Do you actually see him?

I can empathise with the feeling that yr fears are being dismissed. I was obsessed about infections - cmv, group b strep and was told I was being paranoid

wishing you all the best for yr pg and beyond. Oh and check out any niggle / suspicion you have - even if it means traipsing up to triage at some ridiculous hours. It is not unreasonable at all

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

baby has moved a bit now, have also had a bit old cry and told dh about how much this is all worrying me. I never had any follow up after dd was born, just got on with the business of coping really. My midwife does know and is really good, she's trying to get hold of my notes so we can find out more but at the last check they were 'in transit'.

I am on ante-depressants for previous ante-natal anxiety and so far things have been much better than expected but I know that as the baby gets bigger I will worry more.

Thanks for listening and being there, I just wish I could begin to describe any of this to my friends and family who aren't in the SN world. Nothing is ever the same again. I don't have the same instinct as I did when dd stopped moving - I remember screaming at dh cos we were having friends over for lunch - "how can we have friends for lunch when my baby is dying" . I need some help to actually go through all of the events of dd's birth and stuff I think, bits I forgot are coming back now in flashbacks.

[Chellesgirl]

Yes Hangingbelly, i think it would be best to get that help too. I suffered with anxiety after dd was born, Birth trauma before that. I sometimes dread having another dc.

If the feelings not the same, i reckon it could be the anxiety, it plays havoc with your mind. I know how it feels. When you really know something is up, you cant hold yourself back from getting the feeling out, but when you dont really think its going to be bad, the subconsious part of your mind starts to play havoc with you.

I would get it checked out, and put your mind at rest.

[anonandlikeit]

IKWYM DS2 is 6 & only last year I eventually decided I really needed to talk to someone about nearly loosing ds2.
I went to a counsellor & actually I found I didn't need to re visit every aspect of his birth & the early months, just having someone acknowledge what a bloody nightmare it all was & what a difficult 6yrs its been worked well & it was someone to listen for my benifit.
Upt o then I had only really discussed it with DS2's drs & professionals as part of his history.

It all sounds a bit selfish & slef indulgent but honestly I feel so much better, please make some time for yourself.. you need to look after you.

[Woooozle100]

poor you hangingbelly

if you think it will be helpful to revisit dd's birth (completely get what you are saying about the flashbacks - still get this at times now ) is there a counselling service you could access? either through pct or maybe bereavement mw at hospital (ok not the same I know but they are v good at our place and would be happy to counsell someone in yr position)

failing that maybe writing down and putting away somewhere?

big hug to you

[Chellesgirl]

I wrote a ten page essay (really) into dds birth and put it in a memory box, i also did another one when i felt a bit stronger and focussed my hurt into it and ripped it up , put it in the bin and it helped greatly.

[TotalChaos]

I'm sorry that this PG is such a stressful time for you and bringing back bad memories of your PG with DD2. It might help to talk things through with a professional - if you've the spare money you could even arrange to see a clinical psychologist privately - but otherwise as others have suggested you could look at counselling. My hospital had a disability support mw who also dealt with people with mental health problems (I got referred due to depression in PG), it was useful to have someone who would be on the end of a phone if need be, who could be flexible about arranging to see me, I don't know if your hospital might have something similar.

[CountessPhoenix4725]

i understand how you are feeling when was pg with DD almostlost her several times no pyschial problems but she has whole host of medical ones.

And when pg with ds i was a wreck was scared I would lose him, i ended up under full hospital scae and had scans every 2 weeks and they was good that if i was worried that they would let me call ward and go in for montioring for couple hrs just for reassurance would they allow you to dothat?

[PheasantPlucker]

HBOB I hope you are OK, I cannot offer any advice - I do have 2 DDs but gorgeous dd2 was adopted as I never got pregnant again after dd1.

Please call the hospital you are booked in with, demand scans if they are sniffy.

And take care of yourself. x

[amber32002]

No wise words, but wanted to send you a very large cup of tea...

[madmouse]

Hangingbelly of course you should post on here!!!

Can't offer much advice but so so feel for you. I have already worried so much over not yet existing second pregnancy (ds has brain damage and cp too) that I can just about imagine how much you worry, ie much much more than that

In fact good and honest friends have told me to put off getting pregnant again until i have had some help.

So you are not alone, hang in there, and come talk to us about it as often as you want. we always have time for you.

[5inthebed]

Hope you're feeling a bit better HBOB. No wise words of wisdom, but just letting you know that we are always here when you need to vent.

[Flamesparrow]

Right. Do you have a doppler? I don't know if it would make things better or worse but I'm thinking the combination of feeling movements for reassurance and hearing a heartbeat could help?

I don't know how independent midwives work, but would that be of any use? I know it is money you may not have but if it was someone checking in on the baby more regularly it could be worth it for your state of mind.

Are you still on your ADs (knowing how my own mind works, suddenly coming off them seems a bright idea at times )?

I am about for a coffee if you just want to "be" with someone.

[Flamesparrow]

Just spotted your post that you are on ADs still

As much as you do have past reasons to worry, I think a great deal is the AND and counselling could help xxx

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

thanks everyone - I do have a doppler and can find the heartbeat but that isn't really re-assuring me as I could hear the heartbeat with dd2 but still she was in a bad way. I think it's the possibility of slapped cheek that has sent me over the edge really. it's just one more thing to add into the equation. However, I'm trying to be analytical and rational and the odds of something going wrong this time as so small and I say even if the babes does have problems it's not like I wouldn't cope anyway. I am going to talk to the midwife about what she can do to help re-assure me, she is lovely and I know if I ask for help and extra monitoring she will do it. I've also found a charity that has access to a specialist counsellor with experience of special needs so I'm going to give her a ring and see if I can get my head a bit straighter.

[5inthebed]

HBOB, if you're still feeling a bit on edge, call your hospital and speak to a midwife there. Its understandable the way you are feeling, I'd be the same.

[Flamesparrow]

I wish I could do something

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

I've been into hospital this morning as was still in a state of utter panic. They listened to the heartbeat and it all seemed good so I guess I will have to hold on to that for now. They were great and said I can have open access to come in for monitoring which is also a big relief.

[slightlycrumpled]

hangingbelly have only just seen this. Poor you.

I'm glad you have been to hospital and that they were helpful, it must be nice just to know there is somewhere to go if the worry becomes too much again.

It must be all consuming.

Wishing you a very peaceful sunday.

[PheasantPlucker]

Glad you have open access, and I hope the trip this morning has helped to calm you a little.

[bullet123]

Pleased the hospital checked the heartbeat for you. I think that 2shoes is right in that you have to make it very clear that you have a right to be seen.