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If you have a child with a special need, do you find yourself watching your other kids for signs of it aswell?

(19 Posts)
sahara Fri 22-Apr-05 15:19:29

I have a 6 yr old ds1 and he has severe behaviour problems. (not yet proven as I'm still in the assessment stage but I believe it's ADHD etc).
Anyway, I have 2 more children, Ds2 ( 2yrs almost 3) and Dd1 (just turned 1).
I'm not concerned about Ds2 because he is very placid and his naughtiness is just normal for his age. But I'm always watching Dd1, wondering wether her temper tantrums are a sign of something more.
I dread going through it all again.
Does anybody else find themselves doing this?
What are the chances of 2 siblings having behaviour problems?
I'm desperate as I feels so afraid if she does anything even remotely like my Ds1.

Fio2 Fri 22-Apr-05 15:28:16

I must admit I over analyse my NT son. I think his temper tantrums etc are caused by empotional problems he is having due to having a sister with such severe learning disabilities. he is very much for order and routine, he has a short fuse, he is stubborn, fiercely independent, awkwardly shy, lots of things that i over analyse.

Think what i am trying to say sahara is that I do it too, dont know if that will help you or not

sahara Fri 22-Apr-05 15:35:58

Fio2 it helps to know that anoyher person spends time watching their kids aswell.
I was sure it was just me as it is totally paranoid and I have a tendancy towards that.

anniebear Fri 22-Apr-05 15:37:51

I even find myself looking at other children!!!!

We were at an eye appointment the other day and there were about 6 children in the little play area. By the time we had sat waiting for 50 mins I had about 4 of the children down as SN!!!!

Then my Mum leaned over to me and said asked if I thought one particular child had SN!!! She was doing it also!!

So yes, I do look at my NT child and sometimes worry that things she does maybe signs of something else, but I also do it with everyones child!!!

A lot of it is because you are so clued up on things, wil read Mumsnet etc and in my case come in contact with lots of children with disabilities.

It's only natural to worry about your other children.

nerdgirl Fri 22-Apr-05 15:41:45

I know my situation is quite different sahara but I think the paranoia is normal.

My brother died of MS three years ago.

My DS's hands tend to shake sometimes. Really sends terror shivers down my spine. Have to stop myself and repeat mantra "It's perfectly normal..."

Your DD1 temper tantrums are a sign that the terrible twos are on the way.

Thinking of you though.

anniebear Fri 22-Apr-05 15:47:14

when we recently weaned Ellie off her epilepsy meds we obviously looked at her lots and lots in case of any seizures, but I also found myself watching Grace more as well, every funny move she did, as well as Ellies, my heart sank. And she doesnt have epilepsy!

sahara Fri 22-Apr-05 16:09:43

I'm really glad that it's normal.
I can handle everyday terrible twos but the thought of another child having the same as Ds1 really frightens me.
Does anydody know about the statistics involving siblings also having ADHD.
I believe I had it as a child because my older son does things that I used to do. So genetically I believe the link is me.
Could I pass this on to my other kids.
I mean will they inherit it aswell?

Davros Fri 22-Apr-05 18:48:11

Totally normal to worry about your other kids having traits or similar problems, esp in the first 2 years. I've gone through not worrying about DD, to being totally convinced that she's got some less severe ASD to now feeling that she's completely fine at 2yrs. I don't look for it as such in other kids but I do notice things sometimes, esp in waiting rooms at appts etc.

LittleNjataNoMates Fri 22-Apr-05 18:57:31

yes, ds1 diagnosed autistic, I was able to recognise it v early in ds2. I don't know any statistics for how common it is to have more than one similar child, I'm afraid, sorry.

She is probably just copying her brother, but to put your mind at rest, maybe you could ask for an assessment, I don't know if they will say she is too young. Anyway, they may be able to reassure you. I am sorry that you are feeling so anxious. Take care x

coppertop Fri 22-Apr-05 19:04:40

I was convinced in the beginning that ds2 was NT and can even remember using him as a comparison during ds1's assessment. I knew he had a couple of traits but IMHO these were about the same as any other NT child. A few alarm bells were ringing at about 8 months but when he said proper words at 10 months I was overjoyed - until the words disappeared soon after. That was when the paranoia really kicked in. We were lucky to be able to get him assessed early on though so at least knew what we were dealing with. I've kind of resigned myself to the idea that if we had any more they will probably be on the spectrum too.

Thomcat Fri 22-Apr-05 20:43:00

Well can't speak from the point of having two kids, one SN the other NT, but can say that I've got a bit of a worry knot in my stomach thinking about the baby inside me right now. A worry knot I'm trying to ignore and be a big girl about. I adore my DD, she's just brilliant and I don't like saying this really but I would kinda like the opportunity to also raise a NT child and I'm scared that I might never know what that's like.

JakB Sat 23-Apr-05 06:43:55

TC!!!! Do have news? Have I missed it? That is AMAZING! How fantastically exciting . So pleased for you and your lovely family. What a fab big sister Lottie is going to be

eidsvold Sat 23-Apr-05 07:35:37

when the 20 week ultrasound picked up a soft marker for ds with dd2 I was worried as to the outcome in a small way.. in terms of the future of our two rather than how would we cope given that for us ds was the 'norm' iykwim.

When dd2 was born - nothing was said so we assumed all was okay.... but we still looked closely to see if dd2 had any of the physical markers for ds.

congrats TC - if you want to chat you can CAT me. Know how it feels....

JakB Sat 23-Apr-05 08:34:53

I still scan Ds for 'signs' of latent autism. He's now two and a half but I still can't completely relax. I was pregnant with ds before dd's problems became apparent- a horrible time as dd was having 'tests' for all sorts of problems and we didn't know if it was something that could affect ds too. It is strange because for us autism was the norm. In many ways, ds 'freaks' me out with his casual NT development! Now wondering whether to go for number 3. Got a 1 in 20 chance of having another classically autistic child and a 1 in 10 of having a boy 'somewhere on the spectrum', something like that. You kind of think, well it's got be really rare to have two severely autistic children then you seem to hear of loads of families with two siblings at the same special school and so on. DD's great, don't get me wrong, but two DD's. I would need medication..
ps TC, I don't think you should feel funny saying you would like the experience of an NT child.

Thomcat Sat 23-Apr-05 08:52:31

Edisvold will CAT you actually, would be nice. Doctor was bit pushy about be havig amnio already Will CAT you in the week from work, but need to be careful as work musn't know yet.

JakB , thanks hon'

eidsvold Sat 23-Apr-05 09:00:48


TC - when I went and saw the GP in the UK he was ready to refer me for amnios, bloods, nuchal fold, and even wanted to refer me to a fetal cardiologist given dd1's heart defect.

I just said NO! Luckily when the midwife finally called and went on about it - I told her we were leaving the country so no point in meeting her or having any tests done - wouldn't be there for the results.

If you want to be cheeky ask your doc why s/he thinks you should have an amnio....

I thought I had your email but can't find iend hijack>

onlyjoking9329 Sat 23-Apr-05 20:07:17

well my twin girls were DX with autism at four years four months and there brother was dx at two years four months, so there was a year between the dx's i dont believe that my son was born with autism, rather that he became autistic around 16/18 months when he stopped talking and interacting ect, we always said we would have four children but given that the three we have have autism i think it would be highly likely a fourth would be on the spectrum too, i do have days when i wonder what its like to have a NT kid and i do have times when i worry about the future, and feel sad that i will never be a gran but for for most of the time i am too busy to dwell on those things

Thomcat Sun 24-Apr-05 10:49:13

Ditto that Edisvold, and I did ask and he sadi so i could be sure and prepare yourself. I just laughed.

Vix4boys Sun 24-Apr-05 22:54:49

I do it all the time! DS2 is 3, and has Autism. DS1 is 6 and NT but has some strange obssessions and weird habits and I sometimes wonder if he has it in some way (My stepson and nephew have AS so it definitely runs in the family)

I also have twins who are nearly 1 and I am constantly analysing everything they do and comparing them to DS2 at that age. I'm always asking DH if DS2 did this or that like the twins. He is beginning to get annoyed and has accused me of looking for problems with them.

They are completely different to DS2 as a baby (they are very sociable, chatter to us and wave and clap, all things DS2 never did) but I know that my Stepson was fine as a baby, so the worry never stops!

Sorry for such a long ramble about it, can you tell it is always on my mind?

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