Your valued opinions please please please!!!!!!

[anniebear]

some of you know I have 3.7yr old twin girls. They start full time School in September and Grace (NT) will be going to the local infant School and Ellie (SN) will continue to go to her SN School. She will go with Grace to St Andrews (local school) for one session a week with a carer and this will very very slowly increase as she gets older (we think!)

Anyway (if you haven't already fallen asleep!!) In the summer St Andrews will have a few induction sessions that you go to along with your children so they see the School and do some activities.

My dilema.......do I take Ellie?

To be honest she will hardly go to St Andrews especially in the first few years. So there is no real need for her to go. But I feel bad not taking her, bit like I am hiding her away. Plus she has actually been allocated a full time place so she will be expected to go.

But, I know what will happen if I take her....

Picture it..... All the Mums standing there with their perfectly healthy NT children who all shyly stand STILL!! We walk in, Oh of course,as usual, we are heard before we are seen!!!

Ellie will leg it round and look like a really naughty child and I will have all the other Mums staring before they have even met us.
I thought of pushing her right into the room in her SN buggy so at least most may realise she has SN, but I don't know if I could cope with the stares. I will end up looking like an harrassed Mum who can't cope (I am and I can't!!!)

I have visions of the Mums all shocked and worrying that this child is going to disrupt their child for years to come in School!!!!

Thing is, to look at you wouldn't know there was anything wrong.

I know this all sounds really stupid but I knew some of you would understand were I am coming from.

There is no chance of her joining in anything, she will just run round and shout loudly.

I really hate all this, nothing is simple and easy. I am worrying about it and getting upset about it. I just want to be like everyone else, and look forward to it. The other Mums will all be taking their kids along, no worries and yet again just the simplest thing reduces me to tears.

The worst thing also is I shall be the only one standing there (did I say standing? I meant running!!!) with a SN child. When on Mumsnet you know you are amongst others feeling the same, but stand with a group at a mainstream school and you are the only one.

Shouldnt I be able to cope with this by now? She was ill 3 years ago this week.

Sorry to have gone on and on, it most probably sounds like I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Sorry about spelling, my spell check doesnt work at the mo!!!!

[anniebear]

oh dear, that was long.sorry!!!

[ThomCat]

My gut instinct is to tell you to take Ellie. I'd say bollocks to the stares, they'll get over it. I wish I could make you feel 'so what' to the feeling of being the only mum there with a child with SN.
However this is obviously stressing you out. Why dodn't you check out the first session for Grace without Ellie, it might be easier for Grace to have your undivived attention while she gets used to it. Then take Ellie along at the subsequent sessions.
You musn't feel as if you'll be hiding Ellie away, but you musn't feel that other people will all be staring etc. If they start off thinking she's naughty then fine, let them think what they like, you know the real reason, and so will they in time. Ellie has every right to be at that school when she is ready to go. You've got 2 beautiful girls. You're not like anyone else, would you really want to be? Be proud to be you. This is a really muddled response as Lottie is distracting me and I'm typing in short bursts.

hugs, TC xx

[anniebear]

Thnaks TC

I would so like to be able to do and be like that but it not me.

I thought the other day I would like to think, "right this is life, everyone is dealt different cards, this is ours so get on with it."

I wish!!!!!!! You never know, maybe one day!

[Jimjams]

Talk to the school.

DS1's mainstream induction was a nightmare as we had to queue to get in- so he ended up whacking his classteacher roound the face when she bent down to say hello.

The school,were very apologetic and agreed they should have made a different arrangement for him.

i think take her but talk to the school first- they may be able to allocate her an LSA for the induction.

Don't worry I know all about being the odd one out- the other mum's were all very kind (of a bit clueless and/or bemused) though.

[ThomCat]

oh babes, it's so hard. I wish I could do it for you, or hold your hand or something.

It sounds like you have som,e accepting still to do??? Maybe when you have dealt with how you feel about having twins, one with ond one without SN you will cope better, I don't know?
Have you had counselling, do you think that might help?

Is it just these mums starring and whuispering about why Ellie is 'acting' like a naughty child that upsets you? Once they know you and know Ellie, will it still upset you?

[anniebear]

Oh no Jimjams!!! Not a good into to the new teacher!!!!!

Good idea to talk tot he School, will do that. Find out exactly what they do

Thanks

[Davzmum]

Hi anniebear!
I agree with the others, ring the school before hand and tell them how your feeling!
I know its not the same but D my 6ft 2 Aspie leaves school in 6 weeks time and we are looking at sending him to the local 6th form centre, I rang them and explained hes not too good with crowds and we have our own private viewing in May!

Good luck and dont worry about what other people think

[Gwenick]

Not sure if my input is any good, but this is from a mum with two NT children. I agree with the others, take Ellie along, maybe not to the first one, but perhaps not to the first one - so Grace gets a feel on her own.

So what if the other mum's stare, even if she's not going to be going to the school 'long term' for a long while to come. They're going to HAVE to get used to the fact that they're children will have a SN child in class with them. Adn the sooner the parents get a chance to explain to their own children the better.

I'm sure most of them WON'T stare and think what a naughty disprutive child, yes some will sadly, but then some will be standing there staring and thinking the same about other childen there. I can almost certainly guarantee that there'll be naughty and loud NT children at the induction days too.

Please rest assured that not all mothers without SN children are going to be 'nasty' about it - some of us are nice - honest


PS If this is a pile of waffle just ignore.

[heartinthecountry]

I think that is a really helpful post Gwenick - and you are right about it giving parents a chance to explain SN to their own kids.

I'm not saying it will be easy anniebear but I think you should take Ellie along to one of the inductions. But also think Jimjams advice to call school to discuss first is wise.

[MandM]

Hugs Anniebear, you're obviously finding this really difficult. I would say definitely talk to the school beforehand. You need to make sure that you feel comfortable with whatever arrangement you come to.

My DD is going into mainstream school in September (with full-time support) and we've been thinking about the induction days quite a bit recently too. We've started making a little list of questions for us to ask and useful pointers/facts for the teacher/SSA to know about Marley as and when things pop into our heads so that we all get the most out of it. Also, I have a friend who teaches there so we've already made some contact and I'll be speaking to them again before the 'big-day'.
DH is more worried than me that some of the other parents might have objections to having an SN child in the class (although he fully agrees that we need to give mainstream a chance), personally I couldn't give a damn what anyone else thinks. My only concern is doing the best by my child.
What I had thought I would do (though not sure how good an idea it is?) is making it known to the teacher that should any other parents express any concerns that I would be willing to speak to them (in a friendly way of course!!!) just so they can get to meet Marley and I can tell them a little more about her and her CP/WS etc etc.

[Davros]

Agree you should phone first and maybe take Grace first, then Ellie. Can anyone go with you? DH? Your mum, sister, friend? I'm not surprised you find this hard and upsetting, she is only 3 and this is a big step for all of you. It takes experience and practice to manage these situations, especially if you might not be able to help being upset. If you still really dread it and feel you might get upset while you are there, then be realistic and don't go. She'll still be going to the school and following the arrangement with the 2 schools you have made.

[anniebear]

Jimjams, meant intro to the Teacher!!


Yeah, I know the other Mums aren't going to be nasty. I have lots of friends with NT children and some are very helpful and understanding. Just some parents may not understand and to be honest if you saw a child not doing as they were told and running wild etc, if you had no experience of SN children (as I didn't before Ellie was ill) then you would just think a child was really naughty.

Before Ellie goes for a session at the school, I am planning on seeing the Teacher and asking her to explain simply to the other children about Ellie.

Am on a waiting list for counselling a 9 month one!!

Yes, haven't really come to terms with it all, one day I had two healthy 8 month old twins sitting playing, few days later one was brain damaged.

If the other Mums all knew, yes I would feel a bit better, but would still be legging it round chasing her whilst they all stared!!!!

Where do you get this Rhino skin that others have mentioned in the past?!! I want some!!!

Just having a hard few days at the moment, sorry to be a moan

Thanks
xxx

[ThomCat]

You're not moaning babes.

[anniebear]

If you knew how many moans I don't post that I really wanted to! lol!!!!

[Davros]

In that situation I think even my rhino skin might fail me! I suppose one thing is not minding telling other parents when you feel like it, but being in a situation where you might feel pressured to say something but you DON'T feel like it! Are you sure there are no other SN kids already at the school or starting?

[anniebear]

Yes, There is only one class per year which is why I liked it, I am pretty sure there are no other SN kids.

There is a SN child in another year but I dont know what disabilities .

[Davzmum]

Rhino skin comes with being a mum Annie bit like have eyes in your backside babe

[Davros]

Yes my a*se looks like a potato, I mean I've got eyes in my backside
Maybe the school could put you in touch with the mum of the other child with SN just to find out how things have been for her? If it were me and I was asked to speak to a new parent I'd say Yes, wouldn't you?

[Twiglett]

Don't know if you would want my input as I am a mum of NT kids but here's my tuppenceworth anyway - feel free to ignore it

I think you should take her, but if there's a series of inductions maybe just take Grace to the first one

I think you should be open to other mothers, one of the most difficult things as the mother of NT children is knowing what to say, how to approach, how to help. I am a confident person but have sometimes stood there tongue-tied not knowing how to break the ice, and it can be so much more difficult with parents of children with SN. Because you don't know how to break that ice - sympathy is too much, empathy can be misconstrued as can a nice jolly hello or 'isn't she sweet'

I think most parents are that first - we're parents. We all need support and social connections and we're all feeling our way along.

I hope you work out what is best for your family

If you were coming to our school, I would probably stare as I tried to work out how to break the ice (especially if another mother is running around ragged) then get embarrassed as I realised I was staring, then say something completely inane and stand there kicking myself..but at the heart of it I'd be wanting to make a social connection and potentially a new friend.

[Twiglett]

Telling the teacher to tell the other parents about Ellie first sounds a great idea

[Gwenick]

Caww blimey twiglett - you put it much better than I did

[anniebear]

Thats nice Twiglet!!

Thanks everyone

Isnt it brill to be able to post a concern and have lotsa of opinions within a few hours?

Great, thanks xx

[ThomCat]

What a nice post Twigglet, esp the last line, bless you, xx

hope you are feeling a bit beter anniebear

[anniebear]

Just having a hard time at the mo, Ellie has been awful, just so bad for me.

Seem to be crying at everthing. Watched Holby tonight and knew I would cry at Wils Testimonial!!!

And even worse, I cried the other day coz a baby was born on one of those Sy baby progs, then cried that night coz Ray Langton died in Corrie lol lol!! Couldn't care two hoots about Ray Langton and don't even watch Corrie every week!!! But still I cried!

oh well, heres hoping tomorrow will be better!!!

Thanks everyone!

[Saker]

Anniebear I always feel for you because it must be hard not to make comparisons when you have twins and I'm sure that would make it harder to accept things. On top of that you have a very definite event that you can pin the cause of Ellie's problems to and you must feel more than some of us that she shouldn't be like that, that wasn't how she started out. With my ds2 it's hard to imagine him any other way and though I wish he didn't have his problems, I can't imagine him without them. I feel like it's not the same for you. I'm not surprised it's hard for you to accept things and I don't think you should apologise.

In terms of your original question - it's a hard one. Do you think Ellie would gain anything from going? If not, I think it might be better not to take her. I know it seems unfair but if you think she won't really enjoy it or gain anything from it and it could spoil things for you and Grace, then maybe the better option would not be to take her. I sometimes take ds2 to something that I feel he would enjoy if he was "NT" but in my heart I know he won't and then I'm disappointed. Not that you sound unrealistic in your expectations of the event .

There is one other child with SN in my ds2's preschool and getting to know his mother has helped me to feel a bit less isolated. I agree it would be worth trying to meet the mother of the other SN child. She might be really relieved to get to know you too.

In terms of you