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I cant do this anymore........

(58 Posts)
jayzmummy Mon 11-Apr-05 09:36:46

Im really sorry this is a long post.

Im soooo tired. J isnt sleeping at all and I am totally exhausted. Last night was the 3rd night in a week where I havent even made it upstairs let alone get into bed. Im just going on auto pilot and muddling along in my own way. I managed to get some sleep over the weekend because dh was home, but even so I am done in!!!!
This morning came so quickly....the nights are flying by now. I had a lovely day planned for J and I....first day back to we were going off to do our school work and have some fun.

The world has just crashed down around my feet and now I am sat here in floods of tears. J is asleep on the sofa so thankfully he cant see me.

The postman has just bought us a letter from the Paed. His letter is disgusting and it has reduced me to this jibbering wreck. The letter is full of lies and untruths and he has ciculated it to everyone who is involved with J.

I dont know what to do anymore. I have to fight all the time to get J the things he needs and I havent got the energy or the strength anymore to carry on fighting the system.

I gave the Paed all the details about J's biological family and he has dismissed this as being hearsay!!!! WTF is he on? Why would I sit and tell him my sons birth family had so many mental health issues if this wasnt the case? its not hearsay...its fact and is very heavily documented throughout J's mediacl file....if only he could be bothered to read it!!!!

He even has reported in the letter that I apparently tore up his last letter to us.....I did not nor did I say anything to him of the sort...why is he lieing????
What I did say was I found his last letter to us distressing and that what he had written about us had tore at my heart!!!!

He states that he was unable to assess J because J had refused to attend....lies again. I told him I was not happy for J to attend when I felt we had so much to discuss and did not feel it appropraite to have J present whilst we talked about his problems.

He has even stated in the letter that he feels hubby and I were not given appropriate advice with regards to J's biological family and the posible chance that J would have a mental health problem by social services when we adopted him. He uses the phrase...."these adoptive parents" through out..." I question whether these adoptive parents fully understand what they were taking on when they took J and his brother into their care?"....that bloody hurts.....he talks about my sons as if they are worthless....I am J and R's Mom, always have been always will be.

He goes on to critise us for trying to get an assesment done by Gilly Baird at Guys and suggests that the post adoption service would in his opinion be a more suited area to contact for support. He suggests that we contact our adoption social worker who may be able to help us and assist with J's emotional difficulties.

"It would seem to me that many of the most pressing needs, including management of his reported behavioural problems at home, can be addressed quite apart from any ASD assessment. It is indeed regrettable that there is such a long ASD assessment waiting list and it seems inequitable to arrange an out-of county referral only for those families who feel the need to resort to intervention by a solicitor and the local MP."

So what the hell do I do???????

I am just so glad we had our private assessment least I know I am not some crazy fool....Im so scared....he is branding me as being some neurotic mother and is now talking about the boys adoption....I cant take this anymore.

Im sorry....I just dont know where to turn anymore.

coppertop Mon 11-Apr-05 09:41:44


I'm completely speechless! As if you don't have enough to deal with already.

heartinthecountry Mon 11-Apr-05 09:49:19

Oh Jayzmummy - I don't know what to say. This is just so awful awful awful. I feel like punching the paed and I am not a violent person at all. Nor do I know the whole story but just the tone of what you have quoted tells me he doesn't have a f**king clue about what he is talking about.

I am so sorry.

Hugs {{{{{ }}}}}

ggglimpopo Mon 11-Apr-05 09:53:18

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beccaboo Mon 11-Apr-05 10:03:08

Jayzmummy, this is NOT ACCEPTABLE . I feel furious on your behalf. This doc seems determined to 'win' at any cost, regardless of his duty of care to J.

I don't know what to suggest. Is there someone at the NAS who could offer advocacy services/talk to him on your behalf? Someone here might know. What does your solicitor say?

Beetroot Mon 11-Apr-05 10:06:59

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Tiggiwinkle Mon 11-Apr-05 10:26:26

Jayzmummy-I am so sorry. I will leave it to others with more experience of the system to advise you, but just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

Jimjams Mon 11-Apr-05 10:28:11

Jayzmummy- I'm going to talk to my friend who had similar problems to you this week and see if she has any advice. One thing that struck me was the bit about - not being aware of what you were taking on. That may have been a dig at social services rather than you. Here there have been official complaints that SS have covered up/downplayed problems in kids when placing them- causing of course no end of problems.

Please be aware though you are not alone- my friend was in a strikingly similar position. It still rears its ugly head at time. Are you getting to see Gilly Baird? What saved my friend was having a very senior knowledgable person on her side, who could overide idiots like this pead.

MandM Mon 11-Apr-05 10:32:38

I don't know what to say and anything I did say wuold probably be fairly useless to you at this time but just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and am just SOOOO angry on your behalf .
Please, when you feel a little better (sounds stupid I know!) and have got some strength back, take up the suggestion of writing and ccing the letter in response to this diabloical report and make sure that every minutest untruth is addressed.
Lots of love and support to you all.

dinosaur Mon 11-Apr-05 10:38:23

How incredibly frustrating and annoying, Jaysmum.

The paed seems to be contradicting himself? Oon the one hand, he says it's hearsay about J's birth family. But on the ohter, he says he feels you were not given appropriate advice with regards to them and the possible chance that J would have mental health problems. This seems entirely contradictory, doesn't it?

I agree with theh posters who have said that you should go through his letter line by line, dissect it and then answer each of his points in your reply.

Good luck and sorry you are having to take all this on.

Dingle Mon 11-Apr-05 10:40:10

JM, I am so sorry! I can't help you!

Just sending you love and hugs and all the support you need to deal with this!

jayzmummy Mon 11-Apr-05 11:24:31

Have just spoken to appears we are not the only ones in our area who are having problems with this Paed. Have been given a few numbers to try for additional support in my area.....just havent got the strength to fight this on my own.
I feel physically sick by what he has written and cant stop crying.
My boys are my world....I suffered two long years to get them, had to prove to total strangers I was fit enough to be a Mum.I had my life disected by social workers and now this moron is throwing back the last nine years in my face.
He has written that he feels I should go for counselling to get over my loss of never having my own children....WTF....he just doesnt get it. They are my boys and I adore them more than life itself....I knew all about the birth families history and thought long and hard about having the boys in my life. I knew there was a high possibility that maybe one or even both may have problems.....Hubby and I made the choice to go ahead with the adoption because we loved them from the minute we saw them. J is my world and I wouldnt change him for one minute.
It was hard enough finally receiving the news J was Autistic as we had thought it was Aspergers. Now this.......I just dont know what to do????

I have to submit a response to the horrid man. If I dont then every person who ever picks up J's file will see what he has written about us as a family and will walk away having an impression of us that is so very wrong.

Why is it like this? Dont families with ASD children have enough to worry about with out jumped up little twerps who know nothing about ASD make such horrific statements.

Arghhhhhhh if im not angry I am crying.....I have had enough.

APPLE68 Mon 11-Apr-05 11:44:00

Hi hun, what an idiot he sounds like. You must be devestated. I remember getting a report once that made me feel physically sick so I know a little of how you feel.
I would write the letter in reply but I would also put in a complaint questioning his ethics.

You know I really think that some of these so called professionals think that we get a kick out of putting ourselves and our kids through an assessment, when as you know they are bone crushingly, soul destroying experiences and you'd have to be pretty damn strange to want to subject yourself to that.

Do they think we want the best for our kids for the fun of it? Do they think it's easy to put your life on hold and your needs on the backburner to make sure your kids get the best they can possibley be provided with?
Do they think we enjoy hitting our heads against bloody great brick walls until our ears sing and coming up against stuck up know it all professionals who think that a few years of university and a day at the local school give them the right to make assumptions and judgements about the way we live our lives?

It makes me sick that they can have a bad day, miss a few facts, forget a few faces and send out a letter like that that a few minutes after dropping the dictaphone will mean nothing to them but will tear the heart out of a parent who only wants the best for thier kids.

You hold on sweetie, you sit back, take a deep breath and then pick up your pen and goive him a great big virtual kick in the cobblers.

We're on your side. We're your friends and we know how claustrophobic and helpless it can feel to sit in your corner.
You know you're right and you know he's wrong. Don't give up and let the tosser win.


TheRealMrsF Mon 11-Apr-05 11:52:47

i am so sorry- that paed makes me sick. He has no right to say anything about the 'what if's' of adoption...just as he would not be allowed to say that of people who have had their own children ....would he say that all 'disabled kids' should be thoughtfully concieved....' Like saying "well mrs had 2 autistic boys....why on earth did you go on to have a 3rd child....."

Grrrrrr! I feel so angry for you.... wish you could see our paed... she may have her faults but she'd never have written that.

I am amazed (but glad) he commited such twaddle to if you manage to get this seen by the right person...this letter 'in black and white'...would make very interesting reading....this personal stuff i know is really far too delicate to take so publically to the newspapers...but in a way it would be sure to bring the result you need...that being to be HEARD and HELPED.


Davros Mon 11-Apr-05 11:56:08

I think you have no choice but to write your account and make sure everyone sees it. Good idea to have spoken to NAS, hope that helped. But first let yourself go through the first reaction and then write the letter. If it isn't done today or tomorrow or even this week the truth is still the truth. Get over the shock and upset first and then set to work on it.

Njata Mon 11-Apr-05 12:17:43

Hi. Cant believe what I have read. I would write back and totally break down his letter, going sentence by sentence. Have you also considered making a formal complaint about him?

(BTW this is J & K's mum from the place of many rabbits!! and it's good to catch up with you again, but very bad to hear what you are going thru) xxxxxxxxx

jayzmummy Mon 11-Apr-05 12:21:40

Hello YOU....heard you were back in the land of cyber space....hows things????

ggglimpopo Mon 11-Apr-05 12:25:20

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Njata Mon 11-Apr-05 12:32:45

hey love! yup, I got back online finally! Lots happening, but will email you with tons of news! More worried at mo about you. xxxxxx

Davros Mon 11-Apr-05 12:35:35

Agree, don't formally complain until you have done this first.

ggglimpopo Mon 11-Apr-05 12:43:02

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ggglimpopo Mon 11-Apr-05 12:44:26

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KarenThirl Mon 11-Apr-05 13:01:55

God, JM, I can't believe what you're having to go through. I'm just so so sorry that you've been let down once again. I agree wholeheartedly with what others have said about sending your carefully worded reply to everyone on the CC list - there's little point in labouring the point with this chap unless you have an audience to witness it. I'd definitely be considering a complaint too but I'm not sure who it should go to - any suggestions from those in the know?

Hope you feel better once the initial shock has worn off. Don't know what else to say but I'm thinking of you.

Jimjams Mon 11-Apr-05 13:05:52

"Why is it like this? Dont families with ASD children have enough to worry about with out jumped up little twerps who know nothing about ASD make such horrific statements."

Yes- you are right. The trouble is everyone thinks they know something about ASD. Are you seeing Gilly Baird now? She could make a real difference as she knows and understands autism and will show this complete prat up to be the dickwit he is. My friend had this- but with an ed psych (and a a paed come to think of it) - it did get sorted.

Have you ever come across someone in my area - a female psychologist with the initials CS? She is very very good apparently- and familiar both with ASD and adoption/attachment issues etc- recognises the difference!

Socci Mon 11-Apr-05 13:14:55

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