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Is anyone else's dh aspergic and or passive aggressive

(12 Posts)
cheesehead Tue 06-Jan-09 15:50:07

If so how do you deal with it and make a happy marriage? I'm currently separated from my dh ( and we have a 2 yr old ds) but i'm wondering if i do got back if i can find ways to better deal with his:

lack of positive emotion/enthusiasm
inability to express himself/say how he feels at an appropriate time
lack of social skills
lack of interest in sex
inability to accept responsibility for his behaviour
difficulty n controlling his anger and inability to stop ranting when angry and lack of memory of what he's said.

I

cheesehead Tue 06-Jan-09 15:51:01

I have read that those with aspergers have a marriage failure rate of 80%

siblingrivalry Tue 06-Jan-09 16:12:36

Hi cheesehead.

Are you describing my dh?! Apart from the lack of interest in sex, he exhibits all of those signs.
Personally, the most frustrating aspect is his inability to accept responsibility for his behaviour -he has to turn it all around so that someone else is to blame -usually me!sad

He is usually very anti-social around my family and friends and I find myself frequently apologising for his behaviour.
I have considered leaving him many, many times.
I don't know why I don't, TBH, but he is a very good father to dds (dd1 is SN) and seems genuinely unaware of when/why I am upset.

I don't know how you could make your dh aware of his behaviour -I know it is very hard.
Does he realise the effect it has on you?

Sorry, I can't give you any advice but I do feel for you and hope you can find a way.
Good luck smile

cheesehead Tue 06-Jan-09 16:32:27

Hi sr, sorry to hear your dh is similar. Appently aspergers is often described as "extreme maleness'. In the time i'v been apart from dh (2.5months) he has none practically nothing to try to get me back although he has said he still wants our marriage to work Also when i was ill recently he dropped everything at work (despite having a very demanding job) at a few minutes noticed to look after me. I'm seeing a counsellor next week to discuss whether there is any hope for us. I'm not sure there is though so think we'll probably have to get divorced

cheesehead Tue 06-Jan-09 16:32:29

Hi sr, sorry to hear your dh is similar. Appently aspergers is often described as "extreme maleness'. In the time i'v been apart from dh (2.5months) he has none practically nothing to try to get me back although he has said he still wants our marriage to work Also when i was ill recently he dropped everything at work (despite having a very demanding job) at a few minutes noticed to look after me. I'm seeing a counsellor next week to discuss whether there is any hope for us. I'm not sure there is though so think we'll probably have to get divorced

cheesehead Tue 06-Jan-09 16:32:29

Hi sr, sorry to hear your dh is similar. Appently aspergers is often described as "extreme maleness'. In the time i'v been apart from dh (2.5months) he has none practically nothing to try to get me back although he has said he still wants our marriage to work Also when i was ill recently he dropped everything at work (despite having a very demanding job) at a few minutes noticed to look after me. I'm seeing a counsellor next week to discuss whether there is any hope for us. I'm not sure there is though so think we'll probably have to get divorced

cheesehead Tue 06-Jan-09 16:32:31

Hi sr, sorry to hear your dh is similar. Appently aspergers is often described as "extreme maleness'. In the time i'v been apart from dh (2.5months) he has none practically nothing to try to get me back although he has said he still wants our marriage to work Also when i was ill recently he dropped everything at work (despite having a very demanding job) at a few minutes noticed to look after me. I'm seeing a counsellor next week to discuss whether there is any hope for us. I'm not sure there is though so think we'll probably have to get divorced

Marne Tue 06-Jan-09 17:07:54

I think dh has AS (dd1 has AS), we argue alot due to his lack of emotion, if only he had a lack of sex drive (he seems to have a very high sex drive unlike me).

bullet123 Tue 06-Jan-09 17:36:02

I'm not sure how to advise you. I will gently point out that I have many of the difficulties you describe, the only one I don't have to a great extent is difficulty in accepting responsibility for my behaviour and I certaintly don't do it to be passively aggressive. To me that smacks of a desire to control, of being aware of what you're doing and doing it to incite a negative reaction from another person. Believe me, that this is the very last thing from my mind. I find difficulties with contact and initiation and expression very very difficult and I'm not capable of doing it to be passive aggressive.

bullet123 Tue 06-Jan-09 18:14:07

Ok, have broken it down to look at each point:

lack of positive emotion/enthusiasm.

I feel very little emotion a lot of the time and am far more likely to react to what others would see as trivial things than major events. When I do feel emotion I often find it very hard to express it. It doesn't mean I never care or am happy about anything, just that there is often a barrier to my being able to do so.

inability to express himself/say how he feels at an appropriate time

I have this very strongly. It can range from being unable to say that I need to get a drink if we're somewhere unfamiliar, or even in town, to being unable to express if I'm unhappy or sad. It relates primarily to my difficulties with initiating I think. One of the best things that helps is for me to write things down.

lack of social skills

Now, I don't have this too badly in some ways. I can learn all the social niceties, "how are you," etc but may forget to say them. I won't lie of I don't like something and pretend I do, but I will find something about the thing I like and comment on that, rather than a generic "that looks great", unless I actually do think the thing looks great. Or I'll soften the criticism by makign it clear it's just my opinion. My social difficulties come more in obtaining and maintaining friendships offline, apart from DH I speak very little to other adults most of the time and even with DH spend a lot of time in silence if he doesn't talk first (doesn't mean I can never start the conversations off, just that it's not easy).

lack of interest in sex

Yes, very much so, although enjoyable once things get going and not bothered about the build up to the actual act. I'd be hypocritical to offer advice on this as I still flinch involuntarily and find face to face contact almost impossible to manage.

inability to accept responsibility for his behaviour

This is something that must be very difficult for you.

difficulty in controlling his anger and inability to stop ranting when angry and lack of memory of what he's said.

I have this, but am not - I hope - abusive. I find it very difficult to let go of a topic once I'm able to express how I feel about it. DH frequently has to tell me that I've been saying the same thing over and over. If your ex's anger spills over into violence and or other forms of abuse that that is unacceptable.

The main thing I can see with myself and with DH is that we both compromise. I make mistakes, he makes mistakes, but we both understand that the other one is not actively trying to be hurtful.

trace2 Wed 07-Jan-09 09:00:04

my dh and ds as aspergers i to am finding it v difficult! you have described my dh only he know how to moan lots as he can not copesad i carnt stand the way every thing is black and white to them( i mean both my two) and all they ever do is argue together its driving me nuts.

sorry carnt help i just keep tying myself to keep us together

cheesehead Wed 07-Jan-09 10:17:02

Thanks for your replies. I talked to dh last night and it ended up with his putting the phone down on me 4 times and me getting very upset - quite normal for us. One of the issues we had which started 4 years ago was his snoring. the dr told him if he lost a bit of weight it should stop. we've slept in separate rooms for the last few years as i couldn't sleep because of the noise he made. He just accepted separate rooms and did nothing about it. Weve probably only had sex 3 times in last 2 years. He said he's now started exercising and will lose weight if i want him to but "don't add 20 more things for me to do". There were many other issues such as his shouting frightening me and ds, not expressing himself, my embarrassment of him in social situations. He s not that bothered about havnig frightened me, he thinks its my fault for making him stressed. We've tried cousnelling too, both together and individually.

I think that this marriage is over and i need to get our divorce moving.

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