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Really stuck....could do with yout input!!!!!

(30 Posts)
JaysMum Thu 10-Mar-05 16:30:47

Hi Guys.
I really am in a terrible tizz and dont know what to do.
As you know I have been fighting to get J into the local special school and he has been granted a placement from Sept 05. In the meantime I have been home educating and he has had access to the special school placement for two hours on a Friday afternoon.
He has attended 5 times in total now. The class teacher is lovely and she has recognised that J has many problems with his ability to complete the school work set fo him by his previous school.
She has made many suggestions for different strategies for us to try at home to help with J's reading and writing difficulties.....remember these are problems that according to his old mainstream school did not excist!!!!

This afternoon after a big session of spinning, J said he needed talks. So I sat with him and in his own way he has told me he doesnt like the new school. He doesnt like the children in his class, they scare him and he wants to go to a "big proper school".he said that he feels ready to go back to school now and wants to know if he can go back to school soon.

The head from hell at his old school is away from school and has been for the past three weeks...on matters pending??? Whatever that means????
Two weeks ago I was contacted by the B of gov's at the school. They asked me to write to them to clarify my concerns I had about the treatment J had received at the hands of the head from hell. I did this and I can only presume the disaapearance of the head is somehow related to problems within the school relating to SEN children being subjected to abuse from the monster.

J is now most insistant that he does not want to go back to the special school.....he doesnt how ever want to go back to his old mainstream school....what the hell do I do????

I have contacted admissions and there are no vacancies at any of the local mainsteream schools apart from his old school!!!!!

I really am in a tizz and dont know what to do. J's happiness is the most important thing to me. I have had my reservations about the special school placement being the right environment for J. He has speech difficulties and cant always communicate what he wants to tell me. I worry that he will mimic the behaviours of the other children in his class. He did say that he finds some of the work too easy and all they do is "play games and stuff".

J could cope well in a mainstream school environment if it was a school that had understanding of ASD and if he had a LSA who had experience of ASD. J has Dyslexia so we also need to know his school could cope with his difficulties with reading and writing.
J's old LSA is still employed at his old mainstream school as J's LSA, because we have not removed J's name from the school register she still has her job????Makes sense doesnt it.....really good use of LEA's budget!!!!
The LSA wasnt that clued up on ASD at all....but J liked her.His class teacher hadnt got a clue what ASD was and the SENCO....well she just isnt worth the air she breathes!!!!
I would rather gauge my eyes out than send J back to that school.....but its the only one that has a space for J.
Oh help has any one got any ideas because I am sure as hell I havent got a bloody clue what to do!!!!!

amynnixmum Thu 10-Mar-05 16:43:39

Poor you and poor ds

If there's a chance that something is being done about the head from hell one option would be to wait and see what happens. Would ds go back to the school if the head was no longer there?

Could it be that he simply hasn't had a chance to settle in at the special school. Sorry, i don't know a lot about ASD but I thought that resistence to change was quite common.

Potty1 Thu 10-Mar-05 17:02:52

Jaysmum - I don't have any exp. with ASD so can't relly offer much advice. My nephew has Aspergers and I know it took him quite some time to settle in his special school after being removed from mainstream.

Does J have a statement (you mention his LSA?) - if you can get a school named on his statement they would have to find a place for him I think. Would it be feasible to put him in the special school as a short term measure with a view to finding a mainstream one with the experience to help him reach his potential? Would he go if he is able to understand that its a short term measure. You may find that he settles and loves it, otherwise the pressure would be off you to home ed. and you can work towards getting him back into mainstream.

amynnixmum Thu 10-Mar-05 17:11:49

I forgot he had a statement. Do you have a school named on there already? Speak to the LEA and see if you can put on a different school. I thought that if a school was named on the statement that they had to find a place.

JaysMum Thu 10-Mar-05 18:09:26

ummmm we really are in a pickle.....J's old mainstream school is currently on his statement. His special school placement is due to be added to the statement in a couple of weeks time.....they are ammending his statement. I thought I was being crafty and by the LEA ammending his statement now would mean that I could get J into the special school before Sept because it would be recorded in his statement as the service provider.....I was going to go along the lines of "well you've named the school"...."you provide the placement NOW"...."duty of care" etc!!!!
Little man has really put a spanner in the works for us now by telling us he doesnt "feel right" at the special school.I understand where he is coming from....on first impressions I was really impressed with the special school. Hubby and I both spent a lot of time considering J's options. We both felt the special school could meet all of J's educational needs better than any mainstream environment. BUT it isnt all about educational needs is it????
J on the outside looks like any "normal" little guy. He likes to play his games, but they are his games and his rules. He likes his "friends" but doesnt understand the meaning of friendship.He wants to be so "normal" and as he gets older and realies's he is different to his peers he is becoming so very difficult to deal with.He has begun to hate the things he has to do that are so different. He hates the fact that his mates can go cycling off together, yet he cant. He has no road sense and would end up getting flattened before he got further than the next lane.
J resents me so much...I am the big bad ogre because I am the one who has to tell him NO!!!

I have always sworn that J's ASD would not become his prison. I want my son to be as independent as possible.....but how can I do this when there just doesnt seem to be the right school placement available.

Hubby thinks J is missing out on the most important part of school life.....socialising. This is one area where J had problems in school. He was open to the bullies and was the soft option because he was so easily manipulated into performing the most degrading of acts in the school playground.

Since J has been attending the special school for his Frday afternoon sessions he has become less interested in doing the work at home with me. He says whats the point....we only colour in at the new school.

I remember only a few weeks back i posted here about the teacher saying she thought J may be to bright for special school....I was in a tizz then by what she meant.

Now I understand. J is too HF for special school BUT he cant cope in mainstream school.

Oh bloody hell what are we going to do???????????

Potty1 Thu 10-Mar-05 18:22:14

What about a different special school Jaysmum? Are there any? Dn goes to a special school with an autism/aspergers unit where presumably there are other high functioning children. Any mainstream with autism unit attached, I know these are pretty rare? Sorry, I know you've probably been down these routes but just feel the need to offer some suggestions, you sound pretty hacked off and stuck betwen a rock and a hard place at the moment.

JaysMum Thu 10-Mar-05 18:28:29

We live in a very rural area so we dont have a fab selection of choice. There are only 4 primary schools in our catchment area which covers the largest village in europe!!!! people are clambering for places at all the mainstream schools and things arent helped by the local marine base changing to a family quarters!!!!
There are no other special schools around here. There is one school about 20 miles away that has an ASD unit attached.....the LEA refused J a placement there because all the children who went there had ADHD and not ASD....they thought it would be an inappropriate placement for J as the children all had emotional and behavioral difficulties....ummm whats J got then????

redgirl Thu 10-Mar-05 18:40:35

hi jaysmum,sorry everything is so complicated for you all right now.my ds is 9 and has aspergers so some problems like jay.mainstream is very hard for our kids isnt it? please dont be hasty, its so hard for our asd kids to adapt to new situations-he probably needs to be there fulltime before hell settle. what provision is there at the school for kids with higher abilities? can you talk to them about this can jay get extra input and grouped with more able at school. i hope this dilemma is worked out ,just dont rush into anything,all children hate change.are there any other units /schools he could attend instead(not simple to organise i know) all the best, redgirl

coppertop Thu 10-Mar-05 18:52:26

Is there a possibility of a mixed placement? Perhaps x number of hours/days a week at the special school and the rest in mainstream? Some children do this as a kind of transition step before going to m/s full-time. Could this be an option for J?

Chocol8 Thu 10-Mar-05 19:05:20

Oh poor you Jaysmum - this is a problem that I hope I won't have to face with my ds changing schools in April.

I thought Coppertop's idea was an excellent one - do you think J would do that and the LEA would be ok with it? It sounds the perfect solution as J can get used to the Special school but have the best of both worlds.

Afraid I can't help but realise what a difficult situation you are in so sending you ((((((((((hugs))))))))))). x

JaysMum Thu 10-Mar-05 19:16:41

Im not sure the LEa will go for that CT. I have asked before about a 50/50 school week. I suggested this....
week one mon, tues, wed....mainstream
thurs, friday.... special school

week two mon, tues, wed....special school
thurs friday....mainstream

week three as week one

LEA refused saying it would cause too much disruption!!!!!!

Hubby thinks I should go into school tomorrow and tell them J will be back in on Monday.We leave J at mainstream until Easter hols and see how he goes.....if all is well then he stays at mainstream until Sept....then we have a full time trial period at the special school.

J has just told his Dad he will not go to the special school because he wants to make sure his "friend" B is OK at mainstream......I think we are getting down to the real reason why all of a sudden J is saying he doesnt like the special school.

Im going to have a chat with B's mom and see if shes over heard the boys plotting something!!!!!

Hubby knows B is having a hard time at school at the moment....maybe he has off loaded to J and now J feels he should be at school with B to help him through his hard time.

B and J were inseperable at school and this caused sooooooo many problems!!!! B has ADHD, so imagine the mischief they got up to in class!!!
More problems since B and his family moved into the house next door to us!!!!! Could kick myself for telling them house was up for sale!!!!!

Jimjams Thu 10-Mar-05 19:34:10

I would be careful about moving from the special school (aalthough I think mixed placement is a good idea).

i think you summed it up in your first message "J could cope well in a mainstream school environment if it was a school that had understanding of ASD and if he had a LSA who had experience of ASD." IME it is incredibly difficult to get LSA with a good understanding of ASD in mainstream schools. As they pay these poor LSA's the minimum wage it is hardly surprising. In fact the only way I have seen it happen is either when parents of ASD kids are employed, or LSA's transfer from special schools (although in the one case where I know of that happening she left to go back to the special school as they offered her a lot more money - privately run one). The other problem we had was a huge turnover of LSA's. 5- in 4 terms!!!!

HAving said that special schools vary and I'm writing this message from the viewpoint of ds1 being in a wonderful special schopo, that is perfect for his needs.

coppertop Thu 10-Mar-05 20:32:55

The LEA says that a mixed placement would cause too much disruption?? Too much disruption for who exactly? Presumably they have this in writing from a pro dealing with J's case? Hmm...Somehow I thought not.

MeerkatsUnite Thu 10-Mar-05 20:53:12

Hi,

I would also agree with Jimjam's comments re the LSA and mainstream.

There was a child in my son's infants school with ASD. Note I say was. He was "permanently excluded" by this school last summer as school felt they could no longer "cope" with him. This child had a LSA (with little to no training in working with children on the autistic spectrum)along with 25 hours weekly support via a statement.

This child is now in a special needs school and am pleased to say he is doing really well. At last he is in an environment where the whole person is looked at and potential encouraged whereas before it was a different story.

I also think B is somehow behind your son's reluctance re the new school.

Wishing you and your family well.

JaysMum Thu 10-Mar-05 22:42:46

It appears that B has been asking his Mom if he can go to the same school as J!!!!!!
As I said earlier B has got ADHD and has problems with his schooling, though not to the extent that J has.
Poor B has been having it tough at school since J left in October....his Mom didnt tell me because she knows I have enough on my plate...Bless.
No one wants to play with him at school and so B has thought up a plan that if he persuades J to go back to his old school then they can play all day and then after school too.
His Mom has sat with him tonight and explained that J needs special teachers who can help him and that those special teachers can only help children who need very special ways to learn things.
The only problem I have now is persuading J that he is going to his school session tomorrow afternoon.
He has said "no.no.no". It has taken me nearly 6 months to have J trusting me again. I was the one who sent him to his mainstream school everyday and he hated every minute he was there. Now Im the bad Mom who is sending him to another place he doesnt want to go!!!!
Hubby is still convinced that we should go into his mainstream school tomorrow and tell them that J is going back to school on Monday.Hubby suggests we see how J copes for the next few days and then we make a decission as to whether J stays at mainstream for the remainder of this school year and then starts at the special school in Sept.
My real concern is that J and B will have a big bust up at school and it will carry on into our home life. J is obsessive about B and I just know the first time B decides he wants to play with someone else J will explode.....the last time he did that in school they threatend exclusion!!!!

Still sat here not having a clue what to do for the best....my head hurts and is spinning with all the what if's and but's.

The sad thing about all this is that tonight J asked his Dad when will he be able to go to school because he is ready now to go back.

Still in a tizz.......

JaysMum Thu 10-Mar-05 23:13:11

now hubby isnt talking to me!!!!!

Jimjams Fri 11-Mar-05 07:32:19

why's your dh so keen on mainstream?

Much sympathy.....

JaysMum Fri 11-Mar-05 08:21:29

Dh really is a strong beleiver that J should be given his oppurtunity to attend mainstream and have the right support to be included in the local community, which includes the local school.
Someone once told dh that the best thing we can do for J is to let him be exposed to "normal" society as much as possible so he will develop a learned behavior to cope and that those in our local community will be more accepting of J and his ways.

Hubby and I had a good chat during the night. Neither of us could sleep. The problem we have is that J is asking to go back to school......he doesnt want to go back to the special school.
I know the only reason J is feeling like this is because he is worried about B, his friend.
Hubby thinks we should let J go back to his mainstream school and let J "see" for himself how he copes being back there. Hubby just keeps saying what have we got to loose.....if it all goes diddly squat we can just pull J out again......and J will know for himself that mainstream isnt right for him.
I really am so very confused and still so very unsure what to do for the best. I have always used the saying "if in doubt dont" to solve problems in my life.......but I have my own doubts about both schools.
At least hubby and I are united again.....it just gets so stressful doesnt it when you have such big things to work out.

KarenThirl Fri 11-Mar-05 10:41:44

Sorry to hear of your predicament, JM, no wonder you're feeling so confused. How would you feel about educating him fully at home until an appropriate place comes available? I'm new to this and not sure of the mechanics of arranging such things, but would it be possible? Does the LEA allow you to do that as an interim measure? Just a thought, might not be worth much.

JaysMum Fri 11-Mar-05 11:23:15

I have been home edding J since October 04....the plan was that i would do this until he starts his Sp Sch. placement in Sept. He has access to two hours a week at the special school and now he is saying he doesnt want to go there at all.

I really am in a tizz as to what is the best thing to do!!!!!!

send him back to old mainstream......keep him home full time....or still hold out until sept when he starts at the Sp sch. full time!!!!!!

Oh bloody hell....I dont know what to do!!!!!

Jimjams Fri 11-Mar-05 14:08:19

I'm not sure that you can try mainstream without the risk of it going pear shaped causing damage to someone as vulnerable a J. I would agree with your dh's sentiments, but realistically I'm not sure the support needed can be accessed. The more complex the child the harder it is. If it did go pear shaped would you be able to get him into the special school? special school places are like gold dust round here.

KarenThirl Fri 11-Mar-05 15:22:13

Is there anyone you can go to for expert advice on this Jaysmum? Not sure what support you have in place. BTW, I was aware that you home-edded but not sure of the time slot. How long has he been saying he doesnt' want to go to school? Could it be a temporary blip? Just wondering if it might not be a good idea to make a change without being sure he's definitely as unhappy about it as he says.

JaysMum Fri 11-Mar-05 17:17:05

ARGHHHHHHH.....I took J to sp.sch this afternoon. They were having a fun session in the school hall for Red Nose Day.
Before J went in to school I chatted breifly with his teacher. She is so very lovely and is sooooo approachable.
She has told me that J really is very HF BUT he so desperatly needs to be in the sp.sch.....he is functioning at around age 4yrs and 6 months in all areas......he is 9 FFS!!!!!
Im so angry because his last school insisted he was working in line with his peers.....which I knew was not true, but they kept fobbing me off.
J spent the afternoon having fun.....he really enjoyed his afternoon there.
I have an appointment to discuss our concerns in full with the sp sch. HT and class teacher on Monday afternoon.
So for the weekend I am going to try and put this all away and forget about it.....it has made me feel very sad, confused and in a real spin. Im tired and fed up.....its been a hard old week....now its time to have some fun, unwind and relax a little.
I'll tackle this on Monday...but in the meantime Im off to play.....

Chocol8 Fri 11-Mar-05 17:32:26

Good for you Jaysmum, you certainly need a break from all the worrying and stressing. Wishing you a wonderful weekend - you all deserve it. x

Davros Sat 12-Mar-05 09:05:13

I think you should try to work on the special school working iyswim. Maybe he could go back to m/s after some better input at the special school. Can you discuss strategies with the new teacher to help him accept the new school? Or is there a psychologist who could help on this? I agree that it is very important for him to be happpy but 9 year olds can't make decisions on what is best for them unfortunately.
Have a good weekend and, whatever you decide, don't rush into it, give it time even though you may not have much time to decide.

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