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DD asked me "how do i make friends mummy"

(15 Posts)
jenk1 Thu 16-Oct-08 18:27:22

she started reception this sept,she enjoys school which we are really pleased about but has recently been coming home upset about a number of girls in her class.

DD has hemiparesis and PDD-NOS,she is still in nappies,the other day she told me that s6me girls were laughing at her cos of this,but that the teacher had told them off,so i thought ok the teacher has dealt with it,but now these girls wont play with her and tell her to go away.

before i go in all guns blazing cos i cannot stand picking on vulnerable children (this happened to DS who had a breakdown and was off school for 2 years), i need to know how to deal with dd.

she can be quite controlling and only want games played her way and a3ways wants to play the same game,ive tried talking to her about having to share games but with little effect and was wondering if mums who have ASD children that struggle with socialising-how they have dealt with this,any information would be gratefully received.

Tclanger Thu 16-Oct-08 20:48:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mabanana Thu 16-Oct-08 21:18:04

I am so impressed that she asked such a perceptive, intelligent, solution-seeking question. I think that's amazing in such a little girl and will really help her. My ds has Aspergers and yes, it is a problem, but he has found people who like him enough for him to have children to play with. Ask for a meeting at school to come up with a strategy to help her make friends. She probably needs a lot more help to set up games with other children in the playground, so someone should be there to help her and to stamp down hard on excluding and bulllying. Has she got a statement? I'd go for one in your position to get a 1-1 helper. being controlling is difficult for other kids, but a helper can assist her to be more flexible.

jenk1 Thu 16-Oct-08 22:17:28

we tried to get her one and they refused to asess,we went to tribunal and lost sad because the panel said they couldnt justify her needing help in school as the nursery she was at,at the time was providing all the help through SA+.

its parents evening next week so we will bring it up and ask for a plan to be put in place,CAMHS are also due to go in soon and observe her.

Tclanger Thu 16-Oct-08 22:21:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monkeyblue Thu 16-Oct-08 22:24:37

Could the teacher not explain to the class why your dd wears nappies and PDD-NOS so that they can understand

I know its not the same but Ds is dyslexia and his teacher was concerned about possible bulling.So she spoke to class and explained why and what it meant .

Or like its already been mentioned a having a"buddy"

mabanana Thu 16-Oct-08 22:39:55

I am really horrified you lost. That is a total disgrace. You should try again. I got a statement first time for my ds who is a bright boy with Aspergers. I think you also need a meeting at the school to put in place a proper strategy for helping her with social interaction - eg a buddy system, a circle of friends, social stories to help her play more flexibly, role play etc.

Tclanger Thu 16-Oct-08 22:54:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monkeyblue Thu 16-Oct-08 22:59:41

Thats awfull Tclanger
My nephew is autistic and the teacher did the same thing and explained to the class .The kids were great with him they had time and patience in class and at playtime

amber32002 Fri 17-Oct-08 10:48:04

'Social Stories' might help to explain about making friends (info from local autism charities), but you may have tried this already? It's just SO difficult for us to learn how to make friends, and takes SO much practise. Some of us never manage it. I have, but with marathon effort on my part and an awful lot that's not gone right.

The problem is that we have an absolute desperation to know what's about to happen next. When talking with, or playing with, another (NT) person, absolutely anything can happen. I spent the whole of my childhood and teenage years in a state of astonishment at the variety of different things that could happen in even the most structured of interactions. A child with an ASD who's trying to control the play is probably doing so out of fear and desperation, rather than out of manipulation and nastiness. But the other children can't understand that yet, of course.

If there's a sensible child in the class who doesn't mind "parallel play" rather than the sort where people face each other and do the whole eye-contact and random social conversation stuff, that would help. And a child who won't mind playing the same game in the same way over and over again for a while during a break.

They could do with a talk from someone with a good knowledge and experience of autism who can explain the positive things about disability and difference to the other children. Would they be willing to let someone from the local autism charity try, for example?

jenk1 Fri 17-Oct-08 20:42:02

yes going to mention the buddy scheme on weds,thing is with dd 5s shes doing really really well, she just needs help with socialising and interacting,altho i suspect she doesnt say anything at school and "appears" to play well,and then saves it up for when she gets home.

had a chat with the headteacher a month ago about how we tried to get her support and he said he has 5 members of staff in reception and they are falling over each other,well if thats the case one of them can fall over themselves and help her interact, i suspect they are waiting like we are for CAMHS.

anonandlikeit Fri 17-Oct-08 21:50:21

Hi Jenk

ds2 is 5 & in yr1, with ASD, CP etc etc. His class were all introduced to each other last yr in reception, The teacher sat with them all on "the mat" & said a few words about each child, so for example " This is Ellie, she lives with just her Daddy, she likes Barbie etc etc.
When it got to DS2's time she said "He likes watching the TV, he sometimes has sore legs so he wears these little special socks called splints to help make his legs stronger & soemtimes he finds it hard to talk to other children, so even if he doesn't ask remember to include him in playtime etc etc"

The also have a buddy stop & alot of the younger ones will go & sit on the bench if they are lonely & all of the school know that if someone is on the bench not to leave them but to ask them to join them.
I think there is a bit of a stampede as soon as someones bum touches the bench. TBH ds2 doesn't care & just does his own thing but something like this may help your dd.

Usually the older girls are good at taking the younger ones under their wing, perhaps they could speak to the older class.
I am sure your dd is not the only one finding it hard, I know alot of the NT girls in ds2's class have the same problems.

mum24boyz Sat 18-Oct-08 06:52:23

jenk how can she go to school still in nappies without support, who the hell is supposed to deal with that side of things. both my youngest 2 started school in nappies, ds3 is still in them and is 7 next month, they have both always had virtually full time support and we had to sign for their support workers to deal with nappy changes. i dont see how she can not have support, i think you really need to fight that one. i get told how lucky i was and its reading some of these stories that makes me realise how right they are. we never had trouble with the boys being in pull ups, but i think thats because they did have the help, which in itself showed the other kids that they were different, i know that sounds crap doesnt it, we shouldnt want to point out their differences, but these kids have to live with them for a lot of hrs, they arent gonna miss them and they deserve to know what it means to them. is there no way you could go into class and talk to them, would this be allowed, at least that way you know the teacher isnt gonna make a pigs ear of it. i also think ask about the buddy scheme, it may well be an older child that could make a big difference to your little girl. good luck hun.

jenk1 Sat 18-Oct-08 13:48:03

hiya mum24boyz,me and DH reckon she IS getting support,there are 2 assistants that change her -that we know of.

School are waiting for CAMHS to come in and help/give advice as she is quite a complex little girl,CAMHS say they want her to settle in before they come and see her,the headteacher told us that it seems no one knows what to do with her and in the meantime they and us are left in limbo,he has chased up CAMHS.

Ed psych say they dont need to see her as they saw her in may and discharged her as she doesnt have any SN bar medical needs which can be dealt with by CAMHS and the tribunal panel agreed saying her SN are "broader medical difficulties".

i went to see our GP on thursday and told her we are not happy,dD has been on movicol for 2 years now and no investigations have been done,GP is of opionion that its her hemi thats causing the chronic constipation but has written to her paed asking for clarification.

psych,paed,GP and camhs have all told us to leave her toiet traning as she isnt ready,but school want her traind and camhs had to write a letter telling them not too.

im kicking arse after half term tho.

mum24boyz Sun 19-Oct-08 07:46:51

yeah i dont blame you, see mine both have statements so they havent been able to interfere with the toilet training as such, they set up programmes for both boys but even they have ditched it with ds3 as they agree he has no awareness, no investigations as such been done on him and he is now due to go and see a gastroenterologist, 10 days before his 7th birthday, so its obviously not an area they rush in, i am told they wait till 7 yrs old to medically intervene where toiletting is concerned. i have refused to continue attempts at toilet training now as ds3 is getting so upset, and its hard enough with ds4 still on the high praise for being out of pull ups during day. it looks like you are gonna have to kick arse hun, how can they push for toilet training without even knowing what the problems are in the 1st place. its hard work isnt it. good luck with the arse kicking!

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