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I have just been shouted at by the parent of DS1's latest victim. AIBU to think they'd be better off yelling at the school because I am doing my bloody best and am now scared to go into the playground, which is ridiculous?

(46 Posts)
Peachy Tue 23-Sep-08 16:10:43


Am not so much angry that he approached- God knows I'd have done the same- but he wouldn't listen and kept saying in a put on voice 'yeah yeah I know he has needs'. The aggression of the dad dd make me shake (still am) and I feel like crying still.

What I was actually trying to say, if he had listened, was that I was very sorry and that he should approach the school in the hope they'd support our constant requests to them to watch him at lunchtime.

Most of all though I am scared that ds1's behaviour makes me feel sick sad- today he kicked the exact site of the injury on a boy with a recnt leg op. He says the boy ran after him- boy was on crutches. It's all bullshit, it's always bullshit and ds1 is angry at us for not beleiving him.

The school called the Dad in to get his son, so why the f didn't they tell us?
had I been alone i'd have been petrified; I had ds2, 3 and 4 with me.

Am really wishing I could just sign some forms for ds1 to go to a behavioural unit but school will barely acknowledge an issue atm, as they don't want any more 1-1's in the school and his current one already has too many hours. They have to try that before anything else: ed psych dept ahs closed due to staff shortages as well.

Ths was in front of the Mum of poor little ds2's new friend (DS2 has been hurt by kids telling him to top DS1 hurting them sad so chances are, as before, friend won't be allowed to play with ds2 now. But ds2 can't help his brother.

I think my patience with ds1 is running out. I love him dearly but truth be told he can be a little shit and I hate to think that way.

Peachy Tue 23-Sep-08 16:14:36

I need to opst this in AIBU don't I? I hate that topic.

Saturn74 Tue 23-Sep-08 16:20:51

Oh Peachy, I was hoping this wasn't going to be you. sad

The father has behaved badly - of course everyone gets upset if their child gets hurt, but so unreasonable of him to take it out on you.

School are being crap, but you know that.

What would happen if you refused to send DS1 back to school until you were assured that there was enough supervision/support to ensure his safety, and that of the other children?

Bit drastic, but it would get the LEA to sit up and notice.

Does your LEA have a parent liaison dept?

LadyMuck Tue 23-Sep-08 16:24:45

Don't put in AIBU whatever you do! The SN threads were hidden for a reason - many parents simply don't understand what you are going through.

The other parent was angry, and in that heat was unreasonable. Give him a day or two to clam down and then approach him again and see if they would support you in approaching the school.

Sounds like a shit day for you - I'm sorry.

Peachy Tue 23-Sep-08 16:26:59

I did put in AIBU- because if I need a shouting at then I want to know.

So far its been nice surprisingly which is almost a shame becuase if someone can call me a neglectful cow then it would echo how I feel about myself now after 5 years of this crap

HC if I keep him home he will miss his dyslexia teacher and ih he misses that it gets withdrawn as its at LEA's discretion

LadyMuck Tue 23-Sep-08 16:31:49

No it seems to be going fine, but AIBU threads are a bit unpredictable at the best of times, and you're not at the best of times.

I have nothing to offer other than sympathy.

TotalChaos Tue 23-Sep-08 16:39:14

I think parents of NT kids just don't understand how little influence we have over behaviour when we aren't around. What a nightmare. Unfortunately I have no practical advice for you.

Saturn74 Tue 23-Sep-08 16:46:25

Peachy, I know you must be feeling awful about all this.
I remember the feeling of dread when picking up from school, or if the phone rang.

It grinds you down, the responsibility of it all.
You can't be responsible for your DS when he's not in your care, but somehow everyone expects you to be.

School has failed your DS.
You haven't.

No-one on MN is less neglectful (or less cowular grin) than you.
<<not usually a big soft wet lettuce emoticon>>

FabioVicePeeperPlopper Tue 23-Sep-08 16:47:01

Oh no. sad

How much do the other parents know about ds?
How much are you happy for them to know?

TC is right about how much other parents will understand, is it worth telling them how it is, or will they shout 'special school' at you or think you can cure any kind of behavioural problem with a good smack?

Crap situation - sorry to hear Peachy.

streakybacon Tue 23-Sep-08 16:57:08

Peachy I'm so sorry for you and your boy. I've had it happen to me in the past at J's old school and it's not nice.

The dad, though understandably upset, was out of order. So was school for not informing you of what had happened. TBH I wouldn't approach the dad myself but would speak directly with the Head and get them to have a word with the dad about taking matters into his own hands. There's no excuse for what he did regardless of what happened between your sons. He's left you feeling shaky and intimidated and he didn't give you a chance to explain or apologise - unforgivable.

Really sorry. Try and keep your chin up.

trace2 Tue 23-Sep-08 16:58:45

so sorry sad i carnt help but had to say thinking of you alls

r3dh3d Tue 23-Sep-08 17:13:46

Oh, grimness.

I think my approach would be to see if you can harness Mr Angry's rage against the school. Suggestion about a solicitors' letter from him to the school on the other thread a good one - also can you get a joint meeting between you, head, Mr Angry? Possibly don't tell the head he is coming too... ? Really hard, of course, because it means you have to approach him and explain some stuff and hope he starts to understand ... but I think harnessing the other parents could be a big help; at the moment the school is winning because they can suppress a single parent (you) by convincing the mass of parents that you are the problem, not them.

Maybe have this meeting, solicitor's letter to document the outcome signed by both you and Mr Angry (ie it's clear school are failing AGAIN to provide a solution to keep the other kids safe) and then copy it to MP, LEA and head of board of governors as well as school head? If the pair of you can get into the MP's surgery the MP will prolly write a letter to hit the desk at the same time.

Am talking a bit off the top of my head here as DD1 in special school so this isn't a familiar problem to me. But my gut feel is that Governing Bodies are scared of MPs and legal action. And nominally the GB is the group the Head reports to (other than the LEA and I have to say ours fears no power in this world or the next other than the Auditors.)

cory Tue 23-Sep-08 17:14:10

So sorry for you!!!

I think I would do what Humphrey suggested- refuse to send ds to school until they can guarantee his supervision. It's a health and safety question, they are putting both him and the other children at risk. Don't take this lying down!

But cut the Dad some slack, he had a shock and said more than he should have said. Inappropriate but let it go. Or as someone suggested, enlist his help!

It's the LEA you want to concentrate on! They have a duty of protection to all the children in their care- I would contact them, describe this incident in all gruesome detail and ask what they are going to do. And the school- they need to show the other parents that they are doing something and that it's up to them, not up to you.

Of course what happened was horrible, but your ds can't be expected to understand that so there is no point in blaming him. Poor little lad, he can't help it.

saint2shoes Tue 23-Sep-08 17:26:57

sorry no advice as not my field but

<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>> to you

SaintRiven Tue 23-Sep-08 17:41:04

Peachy, is he getting any behavioural support at all?

Tclanger Tue 23-Sep-08 17:47:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peachy Tue 23-Sep-08 18:13:08

No behavioural support- we saw someone years ago, his suggestion was to lock him in a room. Fab hmm

You've met him Riven, he's not all bad is he? please tell me no. he was fine with you and your dd. Its big groups that do this.

I am not angry at the dad. I wish he had approached it differently but I am wondering if ds1 has scared him before.

have e-mailed head, and will go in tomorrow. Want to know why we weren't told and what is being done.

vicsta Tue 23-Sep-08 18:14:08

I'm sorry Peachy, sounds like a shit day sad

magso Tue 23-Sep-08 18:57:11

Oh - Peachy! Sorry this has happened. I had a similar couple of incidents when ds was in ms and is utterly hellish - can't find a better phrase! I felt responsible even though I knew it was negligent madness of the school to leave my son un supported in the playground! I can identify with the awful adhorance of my childs acts too.
It tears you in 2!
One mum did do as I asked and take it up with the school the net result was that ds was excluded every lunch time (helped by a fork dropping incident)- which was a strong bargaining position for getting a statement so it helped in the end.
You are upset now. Give yourself some space (can DS1 be sent to wash the car/ sweep the drive to keep him out of your way till you can recover a little? He may need to do several good turns to calm down and feel better too.

PheasantPlucker Tue 23-Sep-08 19:21:47

Peachy I don't have anything to add to the other posts, but just wanted to say hi and that I hope the school sit up and notice and do something.

Seuss Tue 23-Sep-08 19:55:46

sadSorry to hear you got yelled at - must of been horrible, hope the guy calms down and can hear you out. When my ds' school said he was endangering others and they couldn't guarantee his/their safety I kept him home as others suggested. Also wrote a stiff letter to LEA. We did get our statement but the upshot was ds ended up moving to a special school. I don't know if you'd want that or not but thought I should let you know what happened when we took this approach. On the plus side the special school is the best move we ever made!

I hope you can get something sorted with the school asap!

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Tue 23-Sep-08 20:05:14

Ah posted on the other thread (quite crossly at one stage, it was the suggestions that there was something you could do from home when its obvious he needs support in school).

I think this needs a full on approach. Supervision, social stories, autism outreach in school. I~Now he's hurt someone badly enough for their parent to be upset it's time to strike. You could actually use that to your advantage. It's the one things that LEAs are scared of. I think you need to write and make it very clear that you are holding the school & LEA responsible as this happened because he was not being adequately supervised. You're not interested in their budget, you're interested in making sure this doesn't happen again. Of course behavioural support and social storys etc will be helpful and you will back up at home, but all the strategies in the world will not help if he is not given funding for adequate playground support.

Get writing and copy the letter to everyone. If you can send it as an official council complaint do so (it then goes into a system and they have to reply within so many days and deal with it), and copy it to all the other parties.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Tue 23-Sep-08 20:06:16

What you want to avoid is him being expelled for his behaviour- which is why you need to get in there first holding them responsible for not meeting his special needs.

Peachy Tue 23-Sep-08 20:26:28

JimJams you're right as ever, I do need to write that letter.

When I got his statement I told the LEA (in writing) that I would hold them responsible if he hurt or killed someone- now is the time to do that I guess

But I won't be keeping him home; he would see that as a reward and do it again as soon as he went back.

Back to shock and awe I guess; I am sadly out of practice!

I am happy for ds1 to go to whatever school can help him. Apart from the aggression he is just within the boundaries I think of having some kind of independence as an adult- I'm damned if they're going to blow that for him. DS3 won't get that chance through no fault of his own so I am doubly adament!

anonandlikeit Tue 23-Sep-08 20:35:52

Peachy, the school have failed but you know that already.
They have failed in their duty of care to safeguard the children - both the other boy & your ds.
As the others have said you must use this to get the supervision your ds needs, encourage the other parent to raise concerns about the lack of supervision in the playground.
Incidents like this will only emphasise how much more supervision your ds needs than the average child & if that means they provide additional resource to ensure safety then they must do so.

Sorry you've had such a shit day, hopefully it will end up working in your favour.

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