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New to this site and feel alone with my son at moment

(14 Posts)
nicky693 Tue 23-Sep-08 09:59:29

Since the age of 2 i have been backwards and forwards to the hospital with my son C. All we keep being told is he has moderate learning difficulties. His speech is delayed and he has a stutter, to which singles him out at school. We have had problems over the years with Pre school and now his school with his behaviour. He is statmented for 4 days 1 on 1 a week. He trys to kiss and cuddle other children and when they say no he grabs them and accidently hurts them to try to cuddle them. A few children have been hurt in the playground by C as he gets over excited when playing and does not understand when he is hurting other children. He does not hurt intentionally he is just trying to play. The school and his helper are trying to teach him to be gentle, however he has limited understanding. Now I feel very alone as parents are begining to talk behind back about C, thinking he is a naughty child, also having coments thrown at me in playground. I get very upset as I know C just does not understand and is just trying to play. Wish the parents would speak to me and not behind my back, hate the fact that C is being laballed as a naughty child. I have been fighting for C to be diagnosed with something more specific so we can get extra help and support. Havent got an appointment till FEB 09. Feel very isolated as my son is so different from other children at school. He has other learning difficulties which wont go into now as this thread is already very long.
Is anyone else going through this?

magso Tue 23-Sep-08 10:43:30

Welcome Nicky to sn!
Oh Nicky I feel for you! My son also has moderate/severe learning disabilities and attended ms from reception to year2. - He also likes hugging and kissing which in ms often ended in fistycuffs as the other children pushed him away or hit him! He was always in trouble for (unintentionally)hurting children - because he pinched them by holding too hard , so his behaviour got difficult( he started to copy!!) and he would beg for reasurrance that he would not get in trouble each day before school. So yes you are not alone!
Who are you seeing in Feb - is it a developmental paediatrician?
Does C get support in the playground? I think my son has 2 reasons for hugging - he likes the sensation ( ie seeking sensory input) and its his way of saying I like you and want you to play!! We have taught him other approaches like 'may I play please?' ( it comes out rather garbled!).
There are many of us on here who have felt isolated in their struggles to support their children with sn!

nicky693 Tue 23-Sep-08 10:57:49

Thanks for that, C does exactly the same. It nearly always ends up in fistycuffs as of course other boys dont want to cuddle and kiss. Either that or he will pin them to the floor for a cuddle and bump their heads on the playground which of course caused parents to become very upset and when talking in their group Cs name is always brought up. He even does it to the dog,trying to cuddle but its more of a strangle!!! But when I tell him to be gentle he doesnt understand and says he is just playing. Its hard to tell a child not to hurt when they dont realise they are hurting and think they are just being nice.
Thanks for the support and advise.
It can also end in tears if a child does not want to play with him. He cannot understand that sometimes children may want to play with someone else, he becomes very obsessive with children.

nicky693 Tue 23-Sep-08 11:18:33

Yes its a developmental paediatrician. Cs statement states that he is supossed to get help in the playground and also eatting his lunch but this has been an issue at school as this help is rarely in place. They are now paying a little more attention to him in the playground. But I dont think they are helping him with his lunch as he is coming home with all his lunch. Yesterday he hadnt touched his lunch but had a half eatten sandwich in his lunch box that i didnt give him. just waiting for a cross parent to tell me that c took their childs sandwich!!!! Perhaps he liked the look of their lunch rather than his!!!! Got to joke or will cry. Its the reaction of other parents that upsets me more than anything. He took someones banana the other day and when i asked him why he did that he said because he liked bananas more than the other boy!!! Then got upset coz he couldnt understand what he did wrong.

cory Tue 23-Sep-08 11:40:38

Have the other parents been told about your ds's problems? Would it help if you tried to build bridges? Would it be helpful if you went in and spoke to the class? Or tried to make friends with the parents and explain?

Because if they are not given any information, if all they hear is that their children are being hurt, then you can understand that they are getting upset.

If it was my child being hurt (well, actually it was a few years ago, and he was getting too scared to go to school), then there are a few things I would like to reassure me:

an explanation of why this keeps reoccurring yet the usual punishments are not being meted out (if I was told that there was suspected SN that would make things easier to understand)

a plan for how the school are going to deal with it in such a way as meets the needs of your child, yet keeps my child safe (e.g. extra playground supervision, instructions given to the other children on how not to wind him up)

a plan for what you want the other children to be told (children need to know why X is punished for pushing, but not Y)

the reassurance that you recognise my fears and those of my dc

In return you would have my sympathy and I would do everything I could to train my own dc to behave in a way that made things easier for yours. And maybe we could all gang up on the school if they were not providing adequate supervision.

But as a parent I remember how difficult it is to try to deal with a child who doesn't want to go to school because he keeps getting knocked down and doesn't feel safe. I wouldn't go to work under those conditions, however sorry I might feel for a fellow colleague with SN.

The answer must lie with the school. But in the meantime I would try my hardest to make the other parents my allies.

magso Tue 23-Sep-08 11:45:23

Good! Thankfully you have a statement for C already.
There is such a lot of waiting! we got shunted around alot and got caught up in a reshuffle of services (so had to wait again!) - and all the time our child was treated as naughty/ not listening/ negilgent and thoughtless, refused a statement and had little tailored school support. Oh and yes we too had trouble with uneaten lunch ( followed by hunger induced meltdowns)- ds ended up coming home to make sure he got fed!
Ds seems to have similar logic to your son!! He ate a whole box of my chocolates shock- saying but 'I like them'!!
Do you suspect any particular diagnosis?

nicky693 Tue 23-Sep-08 17:57:39

Yes the parents are aware of Cs problems and when he does knock a child down he gets very upset and sometimes even apologises to the parents.

Some are very sympathetic and have explained to their children about C. I took C to his first and last birthday party the other month but before i went i explained about C to the parent and said i would stay to watch him. He played up and instead of going on the trampoline went under it and got frustrated as he couldnt grasp the party games even though i was try to encourage him and explain things. In the end i explained to the mum that i was taking C home and she went very odd and basically threw the party bag at me and told me to leave.

I didnt realise that some people could be like this. i know i need to harden up and i except that every mum is protective over their own child however these parents see me going into the school on a daily basis to talk to his teacher and they can see how concerned i am about the other children. Also sometimes C is used as a scapegoat for the other children, sometimes c gets blamed for something he hasnt done, the parents go in to the school and then find out that it wasnt my son.

I have also explained to the parents that if their child tells them that C has knocked their child over etc then can they please tell me because i cannot deal with the situation if i am not kept informed.It saddens me coz i know he is just trying to play and not to hurt. We'll get there in the end.

One pediatrician has said that he has a lot of autistic traits however his obsession for kissing and cuddling is not usual. However another pediatrician has said that he could still be on the autistic spectrum. His occupational therapist said that he could have Dyspraxia however it is hard to say if he has dyspraxia or he is just so far behind.

Tclanger Tue 23-Sep-08 18:09:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nicky693 Tue 23-Sep-08 18:36:47

my husband doesnt find it hard to except but when i see c with other children i wish he was like them and then feel guilty for that but then on the other side i love his querky ways and wouldnt change them.

Hes more clumbsy and excitable in the playground than disruptive, flinging arms and legs everywhere and not looking where hes going when running, he also trips over his own feet a lot which does not help, bless him!!!

mumwhereareyou Tue 23-Sep-08 19:41:29

He sounds just like my son and i was in tears last year when he started school last year because of the other parents.

DS is now 5 in year 1 and has a statment of 25 hours a week, the other children are used to him now but did take an awful long time. Unfortunately the parents take a bit longer and even now some don't speak to us.

The only diagnosis we have is moderate to severe GDD, paeds think he is 2-3 yrs behind his peers, we pay for private SALT at £60 a hour once a fortnight as NHS won't see him because he doesn't concenrate enough.

Anway i have garbled enough but know exactly what you are going through. Just think they are the ignorant ones not you and your lovely family.

magso Tue 23-Sep-08 19:53:35

Nicky your son sounds quite like my son! He still trips over his feet, and forgets to watch his limbs so knocks into others. And walks into lamposts!. I think my ds has some sensory integration difficulties. We had a long route to diagnosis because he is not typical of any one diagnosis, so now he has a whole host! School (special) are helping us work on the kissing and cuddling - by stopping him and telling him that is just for (family names), which means we are all working together.
Does your child get support in the playground? Ds didnt get support as such but was allowed to play in the outdoor (sandpit/bikes) equiped play area at break with a few other children to reduce the overload and lost in the playground effect!

nicky693 Tue 23-Sep-08 20:10:56

He is supposed to get help in the playground because this is what his statement says he needs however I dont think he gets that much help. Because some children came in one lunch time and said that cameron had been really boistrouse all through the lunch break. My view is if someone was watching him then this should have been stopped after the first incident.

Yes C walks into lamp posts to and has even bumped into our house before, we laugh it off coz then he doesnt seem to get as upset. At the moment I cannot fault the mainstream school for inside the classroom its in the playground and lunch time that there is a problem, we keep in close contact every day with the school as he comes home with other childrens sandwiches in his lunch box etc so we try to keep pressure on the school to watch him at lunch time.

Thank you to you all for your posts, it made me feel so much better knowing that there are other children out there like C. Thanks for the support

cory Tue 23-Sep-08 20:20:46

I think you should chase up what actually happens in the playground and at lunchtime. If the statement says he should have help, then are under a legal obligation to provide it, are they not? It's not fair to let him get into trouble when they know his needs.

magso Tue 23-Sep-08 20:21:07

My son used to swop sandwiches - I think to be helpful - or possibly to get friends. I think they all tend to - not good if you are trying to watch what they eat!
I found trying to get lunchtime support in ms impossible! This is often the time less able children need support the most.

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