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Mums of kids with special needs

(21 Posts)
mumhadenough Fri 12-Sep-08 14:20:13

Would really really really appreciate your input

mumhadenough Fri 12-Sep-08 14:25:11

Sorry that should have said mums of kids with ADHD!

amber32002 Fri 12-Sep-08 14:29:30

Hi, welcome to this bit where there's loads of lovely parents and many with youngsters with ADHD. I read what you've written and just wanted to say you're not alone. And yes, we all get to feeling that way when we're pushed beyond every possible limit by our children.
Mine wasn't ADHD when little, but he was just SUCH an angry young man until he was 3 and a half. I could have happily booked a train to anywhere else in the country some days...but if it's any consolation he's lovely now. We managed to get the right help for him, and it sounds like you've had such a long battle to get that for yours?

Keep talking to us. Others will have ideas.

Wisp Fri 12-Sep-08 14:34:23

Ive posted/rambled on your other thread

mumhadenough Fri 12-Sep-08 15:02:15

Thank you so much guys for your replies. I feel so much better having just got it off my chest and to people who understand.

His appt for CAMHS should be this month, it really should have been in June but as the scottish schools finish in June there would have been no time for the school to do the connor's scale forms before the end of the school term. Hence we were kept under the child development centre for them to do some "work" with us over the course of the summer. Needless to say, nothing happened.

I'm patiently awaiting the appt at CAMHS where the psych has told us he'll be dealt with quickly.

I feel so bad having written "I hate him" at times. I don't really hate him of course, I more hate what he's turned me into and how shit I am at dealing with it sometimes.

The school have been okay, they've put some measures in place to help him but they don't feel he needs a "statement" or whatever it is they call it here now, just yet. They think they're dealing with it ok. Yet why do I just hear that he's in trouble constantly if they're dealing with it ok. I also asked them to put in place a small diary system to open up communications with us and also a checklist to help him at the end of the school day. I'm sure many of you can identify with your kids not having their, reading book, homework, lunch bag, jumper, jacket, pencil case, and then having their trousers on back to front and having someone elses jacket. These things all mean he is getting "into trouble" or pulled up for and he needs some help with them.

So far they've not did it despite their promises. I really should go in and see them again and ask why its not been done. I'm exhausted with everything though and I just want it all to go away. I want to bury my head in the sand or let someone else deal with it!

Will def try to get GP appointment, I'm physically and mentally exhausted.

As for respite, THANK GOD, dh and I are escaping for a weekend away at the end of the month. My family are really quite good overall and they're looking after him to allow us this wee break. I know they find him extremely hard to handle too so I'm grateful for them doing it. I just need to remain SANE for a fortnight more grin.

Sorry this has been a complete ramble hasn't it!

kt14 Fri 12-Sep-08 15:08:09

no experience of ADHD (so far, that is..!) but wanted to say welcome anyway. I'm sure more knowledgeable people will be along to help soon.

Buckets Fri 12-Sep-08 15:50:53

Might sound completely random but I've found this book really useful for communicating with my DH! I'm always recommending it on MN! Might help you and yours stay connected during the lows and make the most of your weekend away because that sounds such a good opportunity for healing and reviving each other iyswim.

mumhadenough Fri 12-Sep-08 16:13:45

Hi Buckets, I read that a few years ago, its a great book!

DH and I are overall ok, I'm sure we have our little spats now and again but we're pretty much "soulmates" so generally know how each other is feeling without having to say.

I tell you, if we didn't have as good a relationship we have, we'd be well split up by now!

Thanks for thinking of me though.

mumhadenough Fri 12-Sep-08 16:50:38

Oh God, I've just had a phone call that puts my life into perspective! My friend has just had a baby and she has downs sad. I think there's a wee message for me in there!

There couldn't be a more wonderful mum in the world picked to have one of these special babies though, she'll be just wonderful. smile


dustystar Fri 12-Sep-08 18:12:45

My ds is 8 and has dx of ADHD, AS and anxiety. His problems didn't become apparent until he started school at just 4. Before then he was very lively and quite challenging but neither we nor his preschool had any real concerns. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. i love my son but at times I just want to leave all the stress and heartache behind mesad

My ds has a statement with fulltime 1:1 support which has really helped him. You can apply directly to the LEA yourself to have a statutory assessment for him. It doesn't have to be from the school and you don't need their permission or support. In fact its apparently better if you apply yourself as if the LEA say no the school can't appeal that decision but you, as a parent, can.

{{{hugs}}} Be kind to yourself - its a really hard job dealing with this sort of behaviour day in day out. If you want to chat to me you can email me on dustystarry1@aol.comsmile

Seuss Fri 12-Sep-08 18:52:48

Hi, welcome to SN! Hope you are feeling a bit better now. You are not alone, I was walking to the shop the other night and thought 'ooo I could just hop on that bus and keep going...'. Been there with the 'hating' business too - don't guilt trip about it, everyone knows you don't mean it it's just when it all gets too much and it sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment. Things calmed down for me once we got schooling sorted - and the small diary has proved very useful so keep on at them for that!

Seuss Fri 12-Sep-08 18:53:41

Sorry - that was a bit rambly - all three children decided they needed a poo at once.Grrrrrrrr. Welcome!

misscutandstick Fri 12-Sep-08 19:18:43

I can soooooo sympathise and understand completely absolutely how you feel. {{{hugs}}}

My first son is ADHD, he is currently about to have his 16th birthday... and i can honestly say that somedays i wondered if either of us would reach this point...

At the age of 7 there was one particular night that i wondered how i didnt do him some permanent damage. I had absolutely had enough and truly felt like shoving his head through a wall ( angry and blush ), i didnt as it happens I screamed some unintelligble nonsense at him as i was too angry for words, slammed the door and went outside and cried... a lot. So, trust me, you and me are not the only ones who have got to that point.

As a baby he was incredibly easy and laid back about everything, feeding him was a nightmare tho as he just used to kinda 'forget' what he was doing. By 2 i remember saying to the HV "omg, he has the attention span of a goldfish!" in complete exasperation as even at that point he couldnt even 'play' with baby toys before losing interest and fiddling with other stuff. At that point she mentioned ADHD, i didnt beleive her...

It took over 5yrs to get a DX.

To cut a long story short, I took him out of school at 10yrs, and home-educated him (and it was really HARD!) but i really think it worked out for the best. But its not for everyone. He is now 15 and the most helpful, enthusiastic 15y/o i know. He has a growing sense of humour and a willingness to learn. hes still impulsive and still a little thoughtless (but he would be - hes ADHD!). But he really is a pleasure to be with, and hes got immaculate manners!

I know the future you see looks bleak at the moment - but he will come out of it, and you will both be closer because of all you have both been through.

The girls on here are lovely, and will always have some good advice and a shoulder for you. Be kind to yourself (dont go beating yourself up about anything, its a real hard job and you reallly are doing great!) grab help where you can, and remember what hes going through is NOT PERSONAL to you, he is not launching an attack on you personally, its unfortunate that you are in the firing line. if this behaviour is coming out - how does he feel on the inside??? {{{hugs}}} for your journey. and hope for your future. XXX

misscutandstick Fri 12-Sep-08 19:25:31

OOh PS i read somewhere that kids with ADHD 'come from broken homes'.... AYE (me and DH said in unison) its THEM THAT BROKE EM!!! glad you have your DH on side, it doesnt make the day much easier - but it makes those odd moments worth battling for!

tallulah Fri 12-Sep-08 19:58:37

I really sympathise with how you are feeling. I once said to my HV "I just feel like getting into the car and driving it over a cliff", and there was a time when that was never far away. My DS with ADHD was the 3rd of 4 and I didn't think any of us would make it through alive.

Positive story though, he got the help at 7, he got the meds and he grew up. Of all my DCs he is the one with empathy- the one that notices when I just can't take anymore and gives me a hug or loads the dishwasher. The upside of the ADHD is he doesn't care what other people think. I was a parent governor at his grammar school; DS3 would see me in the corridor and run as fast as he could, while DS2 would practically scream "mother!" and run towards me grin grin

DS2 was the one who- aged 15- started ballroom dancing classes with me when DH refused to come (and has kept it up).

He is leaving for uni this weekend and I am so (for me- obviously thrilled for him, and worried as well). I will miss him so much. I just couldn't have forseen this day 11 years ago.

Seuss Fri 12-Sep-08 20:11:43

tallulah - That is a lovely, inspiring, story. Good luck to your ds - you must be so

vjg13 Fri 12-Sep-08 20:12:56

tallulah, what a brilliant positive post.

I wish your son all good things for his time at university smile

magso Sat 13-Sep-08 00:21:08

I completely sypathise. I have got in the car - with ds safetly in the house - just to get away from Ds (Dxed ADHD S+LD and LD at 5 later also ASD) and the chaos that surrounds him! It is hard to like a child who bites kicks and dislocates your fingers! Ds behaviour was at its worst when he started school and he used to melt down and be extremely difficult (and aggressive) everyday afterschool and take hours to come 'down to earth'! School for Ds was a struggle and he was in constant trouble (often for things he did not yet have the maturity to understand or control or notice)and I think felt under constant attack. And as 3 oclock approached I'd get that sinking feeling -- and get ready to contain his prickly side!
I am using the past tense because life although still constantly challenging has got better, and he has started to mature a teansy bit! Ds is now in a very supportive special school and he is much happier and more relaxed. Actually he is quite gentle and loving now!
I hope you get some support- both for you and your DH but also for your DS especially at school- although I know it can be slow in coming!
Is there a local ADHD/ASD support group? Our local group has been very helpful and recently has been organising activities for kids (who often cannot join in well with others) The other parents often know useful things like which paediatrician to recommend or adventure park is good to run off energy!

Buckets Sat 13-Sep-08 14:40:19

Are we all fantasising about ballroom dancing classes now?smile

mumhadenough Fri 19-Sep-08 17:24:05

Hi again everyone,

Thanks once again for your wonderful support and your stories, its nice to know I AM normal! (whatever that is lol).

Tried to get in touch with our local ADHD support group today and it looks as if they have shut down sad so no go there. Will do some more investigating though.

Then got a phone call from DS' headmaster sad. He say's he's had an absolute nightmare of a day with him today. Head has never never called me before so he must have been bad. He said he's giving him the benefit of the doubt that he's just had a bad day because he has an ear infection. But if he is the same next week then he is going to ask me to come in and have a chat about how to manage him a bit better. I really don't know what else I can do, I genuinely AM doing my best. I've been in and spoke to them before, on my terms because I felt he needed more support. This was only 3 months ago, but they said they felt the level of support plan they had in place was adequate (well obviously NOT!).

So I got on the phone to the child development centre to speak to his psych and find out about his CAMHS referral. She is on hols until 3rd October. I really just wanted to talk to someone about how much worse he has got recently, but ho hum.

Phoned the CAMHS team and they have NO REFERRAL (arrrgghhhhhhhh). Have to phone back on Monday and check in case he has been referred through another avenue.

I feel as if I am just getting no support and in the meantime he's pissing everyone off as much as he possibly can.

He turned up at my office there with my mum, to pick up my brother who works with me, and as usual he gets out the car his usual screamy hyper noisy self. Its really quite embarassing and I know I shouldn't feel like that but I just wish he would SHUT UP! angry. Is there anyway possible to make them realise that they are embarassing themselves and me sadI guess not eh, they just don't get it!

Jeez I have fair ranted today haven't I?! This is just a wee bit of a release.

Congratulations and thanks if you got this far! lol

C xxx

dustystar Fri 19-Sep-08 17:29:25

{{{hugs}}} I've just had to deal with a serious incident with ds at school toosad

It really does sound as though the school are not coping and I cannot understand why they haven't asked for a statutory assessment. Have you spoken to the LEA yourself about it at all or is that what you meant about the referral to CAMHS?

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