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Oh god I've just blubbed in front of thePortage Co-ordinator and now feel really low

(42 Posts)
Merlot Wed 23-Feb-05 10:55:30

We just had a visit from the Portage Co-ordinator (Educational Psychologist). I am feeling low at the moment anyway but this lady seemed to open up my floodgates .

She was very nice, but very quietly spoken - leaving lots of silences and observing ds2 a lot. Ds2 has the start of a stinking cold and a bit of a temperature to boot and spent most of the session ignoring me and just chucking blocks around the place.

I just feel such a crap mother and when she asked whether ds2 gets much chance to socialize with other kids, the waterworks just opened up! I really feel that I am not playing with ds2 enough, that he is not mixing with other kids and that I am a useless mother to him.

Spent all last evening finishing off a Roman Soldier outfit for ds1 and feel that I am as good a mum as I can possibly be to him, but to ds2 I feel woefully inadequate and just feel so bl**dy useless.

I am now convinced that this woman is going to put down half of Matthew's problems to his `depressed, isolated' mother.

Sorry to sound off, but have no one else to talk to just now

HV finally put in an appearance last week and has suggested that ds2 goes on the Disability Register and all of this has just started to hit home and I feel really sh1tty

Sorry, just need to get it out of my system - I am going upstairs to pound a pillow!

coppertop Wed 23-Feb-05 11:12:09

Oh Merlot

Like the rest of us you're only human. I lurch from feeling guilty for not doing enough for ds1 to feeling guilty for not doing enough for ds2.

FWIW I burst into tears during the first visit from the senior portage worker - and several more times after that too.

I know that in some perfect world somewhere every mother spends hours and hours each day flitting between playing long and educational games and taking the children off to socialise with other children, before returning home to a sparkling clean house to get ready to prepare the perfect healthy meals - but for the rest of us this is totally impossible.

Ds1 is off school today and at the moment he and ds2 are playing with an old Connect 4 game. Ds2 is happy because it involves lots of red circles and ds1 is happy because it means he can post the discs into slots. And what am I doing? Letting them get on with it while I'm on here.

Hope you're feeling better about things soon. xxx

Keane Wed 23-Feb-05 11:15:52

oh Merlot I remember this feeling well. Please dont blame yourself. You are a good mum. Sometimes things do get on top of us and we do cry. i have done it many times in front of professionals (even a paed), we are only human after all and the emotional feelings are hard to deal with. Dont beat yourself up about it, you are having a tough time xxx

Keane Wed 23-Feb-05 11:16:38

and it feels quite nice to know that I am not the only person to have cried in front of them

macwoozy Wed 23-Feb-05 11:17:45

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you were a so called crap mother, then you wouldn't even be worrying about it. I also worry about the lack of friends my ds plays with, but as you know its not always so easy to suddenly create these friends. And don't worry about blubbing, I've done my fair share of that.

lou33 Wed 23-Feb-05 11:18:36

merlot you know i am here at the end of a fairly near email if you want to chat, been there done it etc.


Merlot Wed 23-Feb-05 11:30:13

Thanks all. I've just pounded that pillow and feel a bit better now

It sounds really awful, but another factor was that the Portage Psychologist was young, extremely beautiful and seemed to have everything going for her...

I just thought, `what has happened to my life, this is not how it was supposed to turn out...'

So completely self indulgent and wallowing in self pity that I'm shocked at myself .

Thanks for your kind words; thanks Lou

maddiemo Wed 23-Feb-05 11:35:51

Don't feel bad Merlot. I broke down and cried on a SN course once, in front of the staff and all the other parents. I felt terrible but one of the staff said to me later she always remembers the session as very open and honest.
I am sure that you are not the first mum to cry in front of her and that she does not make judgemnts based on a tearful mum.

Sorry you feel so low.

heartinthecountry Wed 23-Feb-05 11:52:24

Merlot - if it is any consolation last night I was feeling exactly the same emotions as you were this morning 'crap mother, failing dd and yes, how the f**k did my life end up here'. Still feeling shitty this morning tbh. Reasons far too long to go into and irrelevant. Just wanted to say that you are not alone. It is bloody hard sometimes and you are perfectly allowed to blub, even infront of perfect beautiful professionals .

Dingle Wed 23-Feb-05 12:27:18

I am sure we have all got upset and blubbed at some stage, the last time I did it was in the middle of a group SALT session, 2 SALTs, a trainee, a portage worker and 6 parents with their children all witness it!!

As for feeling like a "bad mum!" I've been there too! In fact I visit that guilt trip every so often before flitting over to "fight mode" ready for the next installment!!
We as parents can only do so much, and can only spread ourselves so thin before snapping! You are not alone, and never will be.

Love Dingle.xx

JaysMum Wed 23-Feb-05 12:43:20

You cry because you care.....thats why my social worker told us anyway and it makes me feel better to think this.
I tried so hard not to get emotional in front of the professionals involved with J.....they told me I was not letting J see emotion and that I should cry infront of I did at our next Paed appointment.....then the Paed wrote that I was causing J's anxiety because I had been emotional infront of my child!!!!! Cant win can you eh?
Tears are the release of our pent up frustration and fears....and I know I have many about J's future.
Pound those pillows, have a good wail....but dont ever think you are a bad mother....hitting yourself with the guilt stick doesnt help anyone..especially you.

YOU ARE A FAB MOM and DS2 LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE....and so do we. xxxxxxxx

lou33 Wed 23-Feb-05 12:45:25

scottish lady merlot? Initials JW?

Marina Wed 23-Feb-05 12:59:51

I don't think it does professionals any harm to see for themselves what it is really like looking after a child with SN, merlot. My two are NT but I cried my eyes out in front of a rather prim HV over ds' persistent retention and soiling after I had a stillborn son.
Maybe once your Portage lady has had more years of experience she will be better at reassuring her clients' parents that it's OK to feel this way about the crapness of life at times, instead of leaving you with a feeling you have "let the side down" or whatever.

Merlot Wed 23-Feb-05 13:03:05

Oh thank you all so much I'm feeling much better now.

Jays Mum you have made me shed another tear with your kind words

Lou - You got it in one!

lou33 Wed 23-Feb-05 13:05:58

she is a lovely lady, so don't feel embarrassed honestly, she has seen it all! It's good to let it out when the professionals are about, they can see the reality of it, good for them.

Have you been allocated a portage worker? If her intials are MC will you say hello from us, she is wonderful and was genuinely sad when she discharged ds2.

Merlot Wed 23-Feb-05 13:10:17

Lou - She did seem very nice, but just too beautiful!

There is a waiting list for portage at the moment, but JW thinks that we should be assigned someone by Easter (which isn't that far away).
If there initials are MC I will be sure to say hi on your behalf

lou33 Wed 23-Feb-05 13:15:47

Easter isnt too bad then.

You will get invited to portage fun days and christmas do thingies and the kids will get presents etc

Merlot Wed 23-Feb-05 13:30:47

Ah that sounds nice

chonky Wed 23-Feb-05 13:35:13

Oh hun, really sorry to hear that you're having a low patch. I find it really hard to draw the line under what's 'good enough' and drop the guilt. I often feel as though I should beat myself with 50 birch twigs <flagellate, flagellate> if I miss one opportunity to put dd in her physio corner seat & let her lounge in her bouncy chair instead. And that's just the start of the guilt list.......

You are a fantastic mum, it sounds as though you're organising & doing loads for your ds, and he's making progress. There's nothing to be ashamed about having a blub, and as everyone says there's no harm done in letting the professionals know what it's like. And the portage worker may be terribly beautiful but I bet she has hairy toes or something like that .

I wish I could meet you on Friday for a good old gossip, but would have to bring dd & she's not the most settled in restaurants .

Merlot Wed 23-Feb-05 13:47:34

ROFL at `hairy toes' . I would love to meet you too Chonky (what neck of the woods are you from?) but have to say that it looks unlikely that I am going to make the SN meet on Friday either . I have just given ds2 some calpol and I wouldn't mind betting that, despite my fingers being crossed, he wont be well enough for me to get to London

I have just received the BIBIC dvd - have you seen it yet? I'm off for a quick look and will report back .

chonky Wed 23-Feb-05 13:57:43

We're in deepest darkest Glos. - occasionally we make it up to the big smoke, so perhaps next time?!

Spooky - our BIBIC dvd arrived today too, won't have a chance to watch it tonight, but should do tomorrow p.m. - will let you know. Hope your ds is feeling better soon.

Merlot Wed 23-Feb-05 14:08:20

How weird about the dvd Chonky

Ah that's a shame....but I'm sure Glos is very nice. We're in Surrey so, as you say, maybe our paths will cross at some meet in the future?

The great thing about MN is how distance is no boundary

Let me know what you think about BIBIC

JakB Wed 23-Feb-05 14:38:37

Merlot, so sorry you're feeling so down. Think we've all felt like this from time to time. I totally forgot about dd's visual schedule this morning and I'm always feeling as if I just can't do ENOUGH. Sending hugs {{{hugs}}}

mum38 Wed 23-Feb-05 14:50:02

I've cried infront ds2's SENCO so I know how it feels. I'm always feeling somehow I should be able to do more too. I'm sure you are doing everything you can.

Hope your ds2 gets over the cold soon and the portage co-ordinator sorts out the portage quickly.

Merlot Wed 23-Feb-05 16:16:42

Thanks Guys for sharing your own vulnerability with me - its made me feel a whole lot better

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