AS ds gets so aggressive with other kids when he doesn't win

[Vian]

Took my 3 dc's out to a play centre today.

Oldest DS is 8 with AS. He did pretty well until another boy beat him in football and at a running race. Then DS got really pushy, nasty etc. I was at him immediately telling him to calm down and play nice etc but he ignored me and ran off, kicking the other boy in the back of the legs and knocking him down. Other parents were pissed OFF.

My son is heavy and strong and I couldn't get him under control except to get him on the floor in a hold. I couldn't handle him and my other two kids and the pushchair and get out of their and DS would not calm down. Luckily my younger two put on their shoes and sat quietly down. The afternoon was ruined for them.

I had to call DH at work and get him to come down and take us home. DS was pretty much trying to kick the crap out of me and I was just barely holding my own. No way was I letting him go after seeing how he was going after some of the other kids. He is strong.

I know that earlier on he was trying to make friends with other kids who were there playing but he tries too hard and got ditched pretty promptley. The boy he went nuts on later in the afternoon was actually trying to play football with ds and being nice to him for quite awhile.

Got told off by parents and had loads of people staring at us.

Going to open the wine tonight.

[Vian]

Please tell me this is just a phase that he will grow out of by age 12.

He is currently upstairs in his rooms trying to figure out how to "defeat us all".

[Hassled]

No expertise here but lots of sympathy - I'm not surprised the wine is beckoning.

I guess you just have to avoid going anywhere where there might be any element of competition until he has grown out of it - hopefully someone who has been through this will come along with strategies. But presumably at school there is some element of competitive sports? How does he react at school when he loses at something?

[sarah573]

I can completely sympathise as I have situations like this with DS 1 (whos 10 with AS) all the time.
He's also very big and strong, it took 3 of us to carry him into CHAMS last week when he didn't want to go!
I struggle to physically deal with him on my own, and its really embarassing when I have to restrain him in public, but sometimes, then he's trying to hurt someone or himself you just have to.

[WedgiesMum]

DSaged9 is like this too. He is very tall and looks like a 12/13 year old and it can be very stressful for him and me in these situations. I have started going to the gym recently to get stronger so I can handle him physically better!

I find that situations where there are lots of other children about (like soft play) and it's very noisy and there's lots going on are just too stressful for DS to remain calm for long. The sensory input is just too much and then anxiety takes over which quickly becomes aggression. I must say I now avoid places when they are too crowded as it just sets DS up to 'fail' as he will kick off and then feel bad about himself.

Losing is often really stressful for AS children and you have to work long and hard to get to a point where they can tolerate even coming second to a family member or sibling. I do lots of games at home with him and me and have gradually introduced DD and occasionally DH although if it is becoming obvious he is going to lose and is not calm enough to cope we have to stop before all hell breaks loose. Does he do any work on this at school? Does he have any support there at all, it is one of the things they should be working on with him as school is very competitive and therefore horribly anxious making for AS kids. But it will take a long time and only improve in baby steps because of the AS - it has taken years for DS to be able to lose to me or DD at home and even then not always and he has to have won at least one game of whatever first.

I have to keep a very close eye on DS when we are out and remove him immediately from situations where he is starting to get anxious because of losing. DD is brilliant and is always able to leave at a moments notice as she is used to this now. I make sure I give her time on her own in places where she can play as long as she likes though. I always apologise to the other parents immediately and explain about his AS but never force him to apologise as he just can't do it at that time, he is too wound up. Most people are very understanding if you are vigilant with your child an apologise upfront like this. However you will always get those who get shouty and I just have to rise above it to remain calm whilst dealing with DS - otherwise he picks up on my anxiety and it just gets worse. Remember it is not your DS's fault that he reacts like this it is just part of his AS which he needs loads longer than others to learn to handle graciously.

I also have got some t shirts for DS which say in big letters 'I'm not naughty I have autism' on them for more public outings. They certainly help when you are carrying a screaming child through McDonalds who then will only sit and eat under the table

[Widemouthfrog]

My sympathies - my DS is only 5 but can still be violent and I have had to physically restrain him in public - one notable occasion was when we were on the bus (along with 2year old DS in his buggy) and I thought we were going to be asked to get off . If people want to react negatively and pass comment then I will calmly explain that my DS is autistic. We are lucky as there is a special needs play centre near to us where no one bats an eyelid at this type of behaviour. Its a godsend.

No magic solutions, but I can assure you that you are not alone. I don't know how we will cope as he gets bigger.

[unfitmother]

Sorry to hear that, my DS has improved with age, he's 11 now but it's still a problem.
Keep working at it - enjoy your wine

[Marne]

just thought i would say hi,my 4.6 year old dd1 has AS and has to win evrything, she has to be first up the slide, first up the stairs, in front whilst walking and has to win games etc..
She does'nt get violent but has a compete meltdown if she does'nt win which can last for hours.
She will cheat if she has to.
I told her that comming 1st is'nt allways best, she now changes the rules to 'who ever comes 2nd wins'

We do get some odd looks from other parents when she insist's on winning and then screems for hours if she does'nt come 1st.

I know race her up the stairs at night making sure I win, now she seems to getting used to comming 2nd and just laughs it off but is still getting upset whilst playing with other children as she can never win because she walks/runs soo slow.