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do you feel guilty when you enjoy 'normal' family time away from your child with sn?

(24 Posts)
FioFio Wed 20-Aug-08 08:44:31

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sarah293 Wed 20-Aug-08 09:02:22

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sphil Wed 20-Aug-08 09:37:20

I spent the whole afternoon with DS1 yesterday, on our own. We walked into Glastonbury (he wanted to do a 'long walk'), got absolutely soaked, went into a cafe for milkshakes and cake and then came home on the bus. It was lovely, but I did have one part of my mind with DS2 all the time and yes, I did wish we could do this sort of thing together. We could of course, but it would have been stop, start, stop, start all the way, I would have to have taken food for him for the cafe etc etc.

So I completely know where you're coming from. I don't know if it gets easier - I hope so!

pagwatch Wed 20-Aug-08 09:41:26

oh Fiosad I know what you mean but we have to let that go
Think of it this way - the whole family dynamic changes every time anyone is missing. When Dh is away I actually privately love it because I don't have to cook again as i can eat with the kids and i get to watch shit on the tv without him tutting at me. Doesn't mean i don't really want him at home.
My DD ( NT ) was away last night and we quite deliberately took the boys out to make the most of her not being there. Ds2 is much calmer when she isn't around being all noisy and pink smile.I think ALL parents feel really guilty. In fact I think it is often a good sign.
Don't think of it in terms of who is missing - just enjoy the different experience.

TinySocks Wed 20-Aug-08 09:57:55

Oh Fio, I have the same feelings.
DS1 goes to creche three afternoons a week. I must admit, it is so much easier to do things with DS2. Even being at home just with DS2 is easier. Love DS2 to bits, but really need those three afternoons a week.

PheasantPlucker Wed 20-Aug-08 10:14:19

Fio I totally understand. I feel awful, but sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me sane, and allows time for dd2 to do things we just cannot do when dd1 is around.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Wed 20-Aug-08 10:14:30

oh god yes and then I talk constantly about ds1 when he's not there because I don't want to look like a family of 2 boys.

ds2 and ds3 are off to stay at my Mum's tonight. I don't feel guilty when it's that way round. DS1 is going to be really upset though, he is desperate to go. So I'm tyring to think of a nice treat for him....

FioFio Wed 20-Aug-08 10:48:36

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FioFio Wed 20-Aug-08 10:48:38

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Thomcat Wed 20-Aug-08 10:59:10

Oh God yes, and spot on about the 'ohhh 2 girls' thing and I feel awful and say 'no there's 3 of them' and then feel so, so bad and say 'DD1 is with a friend at the moment' and then feel I'm not being truthful.

On holiday there were so many things we would have liked to do but couldn't because of DD1 and there were times I had to strap her, aged 7 in Dec into a buggy for her own safety, like in PAdstow (aka PadStein!) near the boats and the harbour. She just has no sense of danger but a huge attraction to getting wet!

eidsvold Wed 20-Aug-08 11:19:41

yes yes yes. I do the actually we have three children although it is a rare time when we are out as a family without dd1. i think the dds - 2 and 3 appreciate that they get full on mum and dad attention rather than one on two.

Then I remind myself that the other dds need this time out too. I know the one time dd1 went off with a family friend and the rest of us went out for coffee and cake. I could see dd2 just relishing having dad and mum to herself. Dd3 was still a baby and asleep.

eidsvold Wed 20-Aug-08 11:20:37

damned if you do and damned if you don't.

You worry when you have an outing and it is not going so well or it is rather stressful - then I feel for the other two but then when dd1 is off at Prep/school and the other two are having an outing - feel for her.

FioFio Wed 20-Aug-08 11:58:37

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BriocheDoree Wed 20-Aug-08 12:26:01

For those of you whose eldest is the one with SN, at what point did you have to start making extra time for no.2 and not just drag them along with whatever no. 1 wanted to do? DS is just a baby and not quite walking yet, but I have this horrid feeling that things will get more complicated when he is. I can cope with DD wandering off when DS is in his buggy but I don't know what I'll do when he's toddling and she's still doing runners. (Of course, no guarantee that DS is NT but at the moment we think he is - seems better at pointing / waving than DD was!)

HairyMaclary Wed 20-Aug-08 13:11:50

I think I'm hitting that stage Briochhe. Ds 2 started walking properly, i.e. all the time in the past 2 weeks and it's made it so much harder. DS1 isn't walking and I'm starting to feel really guilty about dragging DS2 to all the therapies and appts that we go to. I'm hoping it will get easier when Ds1 starts nursery in Sept as he is doing 5 sessions over 3 days, so we have 2.5 days of appts or therapy and 2.5 days free. I'm seriously considering hiring an auapair or mothers help to help me as my back is giving in and it's all looking really manic once term starts but it's money we don't really have! At the moment we have no time away form Ds1, maybe it's time to bug ss about respite...

Raine3 Wed 20-Aug-08 13:29:04

Have to agree Fio, it probably does her good too gives her a chance to meet new people and have some time just for her ... if you need that time chances are she does too x

eidsvold Thu 21-Aug-08 10:03:11

I found that it got easier as dd1 was in kindy and then school. So we started with mother and toddler swimming lessons. Then dd3 came along so dd2 got to swim all by herself. Then we added in playgroup which was great. Dd2 loves playgroup. We also do some outings that she requests. Things like we have gone to the museum on the bus ( albeit with dd3 along). I find it is harder now as dd3 needs so much attention as she is walking and in to everything. So I try really hard to make sure dd2 is not left out with the demands of siblings on either side.

However I think she copes very well. We had to stop letting her in to therapy as she would do the work for dd1.

I just tell myself that as some families go to church or are at sport every weekend cause that is their reality - our reality involves hospital appts, therapy sessions and special needs. Dd2 accepts that - I do not think until she gets to school proper that she will realise that other families don't do all that.

Dd2 starts kindergarten next year - she keeps telling me how she is such a big girl and how all my girls will be at school ( dd2 and dd1) and only my baby will be at home and she asks what I will do all day. For goodness sake I might finally catch up ironing or actually clean the house properly or something.

Debs75 Thu 21-Aug-08 10:18:12

Don't feel guilty, the way I look at it is my dd1 didn't ask for a brother never mind one with autism who fights her on every occasion so when he goes to activity days I do things with her that he doesn't do, sometimes its just shopping and lunch, heavenly as i can get round shops without him screaming and attacking people and can then sit down to eat and not spend the meal picking bits off the floor or hiding condiments.
Also when he is at these activities he is trying things that i am wary of doing with him but if he enjoys them then we do them with him in the future.

anonandlikeit Thu 21-Aug-08 10:26:33

I don't feel guilty but i do miss him, it just feels odd iykwim.
But it also feels strange if i take ds2 without ds1 so it works both ways.

cyberseraphim Thu 21-Aug-08 10:30:42

We are very lucky so far as DS2 is playing the role of the dog that helps the autistic child - He is really helping DS1 to talk and engage more as they are very competitive with each other.DS2 uses the Hanen strategy of 'The Intruder' to get his attention.

Seuss Thu 21-Aug-08 13:23:54

lol cyberseraphim, my ds2 is like that too!

FioFio Thu 21-Aug-08 13:41:21

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Seuss Thu 21-Aug-08 14:31:49

envySitting!envy

Kidding - all quiet here for another hour - just me and dd, the lads are at playscheme!

So quiet...grin...sorry but not feeling any of that guilt!

Seuss Thu 21-Aug-08 16:02:23

yep...peace well and truly shattered!

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