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Can't cope anymore he's going to have to go

(121 Posts)
AnyName Sat 26-Jul-08 18:44:07

We can't deal with him. Going to have to tell social services that like they care.

DH said he's going to do it. I can't think of a reason to stop him. We're black and blue. cant do this

Tclanger Sat 26-Jul-08 18:47:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seuss Sat 26-Jul-08 18:51:18

Sorry things are so bad - are you already in touch with Soc. serv?

TinySocks Sat 26-Jul-08 18:53:00

Sorry you are going through such a rough time. I don't know your story, but just reading your post makes me want to cry.
I really hope social services can help, just hang in there.

AnyName Sat 26-Jul-08 18:59:33

SS really don't care. We have no help lined up for the summer. I have fought tooth and nail for every bit of respite we get (24 nights a year) but just when we got awarded that the daycarer said she couldn't cope with him anymore. She gave us 6 hours twice a month. It kept us sane. It gave us time with poor neglected DD who also gets shit bitten and kicked out of her. She is 9. He is 8. I love him and I HATE him

Were not sane anymore and we're screwing DD up I can see it so clearly. We scream at her because we're scared to scream at each other because we know we could tip the other one over the edge.

Tclanger Sat 26-Jul-08 19:03:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nikos Sat 26-Jul-08 19:10:28

This is so hardd for you. You are good parents dealt a shitty hand. Your dd will know this despite the stress you are under. Some days it's just hard to feel any kind of achievement. Big Hugs

TinySocks Sat 26-Jul-08 19:10:41

It sounds incredibly hard. YOu are really really coping with so much. I feel so helpless and unable to give you any advice. I just hope someone can give you the answer.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Sat 26-Jul-08 19:24:12

The challenging behaviour foundation is good.

Also insist on a referral to a clinical psychologist (lots of people can refer, school, GP, SS) - they can help with a behaviour plan.

Is there anywhere safe that you can put your ds when he kicks off. If not ask SS to fund a safespace They can use DFG's to fund them. I asked and they didn't say no straight away (and I didn't push it as I wasn't sure it was appropriate for us).

You have my sympathy my arms are covered in bruises at the moment and ds1 spends his time punching and kicking me. It's very hard to stop and hard to deal with. I'm thinking of videoing some of ds1's behaviour and photographing bruises etc to show SS when my care review comes up. I wonder if actually seeing what you have to deal with makes it more real than just hearing about it?

TinySocks Sat 26-Jul-08 19:37:42

Videoing and taking pictures sounds like an excellent idea. I hope something works out for you, please keep us posted.

podsquash Sat 26-Jul-08 19:43:26

My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I hope the people who are supposed to be there to help you can do it! Best of luck.

Hecate Sat 26-Jul-08 19:47:54

I am SO SO sorry you are feeling like this.

I do know someone who reached the end of her tether and, like in your case, social services were worse than useless. She phoned them up and said she was on her way to their office with her child because she could not cope a day longer and she was going to hand over her child into their care there and then.

ss sent sw straight round and they really helped her.

Shitty beyond belieft that she had to reach that stage, but it was a turning point for them.

AnyName Sat 26-Jul-08 19:57:52

Thank you. He has a "safe place", his bed room. We moved to a house with downstairs facilities for him. At least now his siblings get some sleep at night. But he trashed it constantly. He trashes everything in sight.

I couldn't possibly surrender him to residential care i know I couldn't. Equally I don't know how we can carry on like this. Can't live with him/can;t live without him. My DH is ill himself. Sometimes he can hardly walk/stand. He is in so much pain. I rely on the other kids too much for help.

DD goes to occasional young carer activities and I used to think "I can't think of her as a young cater; I will never let her do that much" but now she does so much that I am totally ashamed. She doesn't know what a childhood ought to be like. Her life is governed by her brother's needs, moods and demands and me screaming at her to help, to fetch something, to get him off me when he is pulling my hair from the root, to fetch a nappy/baby wipes, to help me clean up crap. What life is that? She doesn't remember life without him. She is only 18 months older.

We have only had two days of the summer holidays and already we've hit rock bottom. We dreaded the summer hols so much and now they're here. We NEED school. It's the only way to get through the week.

I am so bloody full of slef pity. I sat in his bedroom earlier just letting him bite me and smelling other people's barbecue smells coming through the window. I am so jealous of their lives which is stupid becuase every family has its problems.

But we can't plan anything. No more holidays ever. We have up on that idea last time we got a funded one from a disability group. Ds made it hell and we came home early.

It feels as if there is no future. This is mine a DH's life until we die. Until then he just gets bigger, stronger, heavier, more violent, less cute.

Hecate Sat 26-Jul-08 20:00:11

I meant call them as a bluff to force them to take action to help you.

AnyName Sat 26-Jul-08 20:05:15

I once rang them early on a school morning and said "help us, or you can come and pick him up and take him away". They didn't give a flying feck. It took me emailing the secretary of state of disability and copying them in on it to even give us what we have.

Hecate Sat 26-Jul-08 20:08:21

Have you considered going to the papers/a magazine? Sometimes going public is what ss fear the most.

Again, am SO sorry that you are feeling at the end of your tether. I can't imagine how painful this must be for you.

MannyMoeAndJack Sat 26-Jul-08 20:09:05

You need to get more help and fast because I don't think things are going to get any easier atm because you are looking at six weeks without any school.

You owe it to everyone in your family to get outside help. Does your area have a residential unit where your ds could access weekend respite care?

The only way, as far as I can see it, to get SS to do more than just listen to you is to tell them something shocking, which in this case is the truth: you cannot continue and unless they intervene, then [insert threat here]. It does have to come to this to get their attention.

Please, please seek help quickly - your issues are not going to go away.

KristinaM Sat 26-Jul-08 20:11:45

anyname - would you consider a residential school? where your son could come home for some weekends/ holidays? And obviously you woudl need respite or carers to cope with the long summer vacation.

thats not surrendering him to residential care. but it IS acknowledging that one or two people can no longer meet his needs. which is very VERY painful when its your child

supportman Sat 26-Jul-08 20:13:04

Sounds like you need to go to ss asap, as has been said, they will only act fast and in a way that will be of use to you if they think that he will be entirely their responsibility and cost. You need to do it for yourself, for your family and for him.

AnyName Sat 26-Jul-08 20:13:41

I dont know how to seek help unless I do say something totally shocking. I am notorious to ss apparently because of my kick arse letters and emails and they praise me to the bloody hilt and say "you are so articulate; we're going to use your email for training purposes if that is ok' hmm

They think we're super parents or maybe they pretend they do so they don't have to help too much. Noone can cope well with DS. Except maybe the respite centre but even there he's been assessed as needing 2:1. We can't get more than the 24 nights a year. That started in May. We've had 7 night. We're not getting any for the hols.

I dont think there's anythingo ut there for us.

nikos Sat 26-Jul-08 20:21:15

I think it's a huge amount you are having to cope with. Megahuge. But all mums, I reckon, lose it with their other kids when they are under stress. Fair enough, your NT dd might resent the situation she is in at times, but I reckon what she will have learnt is that mum doesn't give up on us no matter how tough things are.

KristinaM Sat 26-Jul-08 20:21:56

does your son have ASD or another dx like conduct disorder? Do you know of any residential schools that would meet his needs?

TBH, SS will not find a foster carer to take him, so they will have to pay for a residential
placement anyway if you cant cope

Tclanger Sat 26-Jul-08 20:21:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Sat 26-Jul-08 20:33:26

"I sat in his bedroom earlier just letting him bite me"

Don't feel ashamed about this. I ended up doing exactly this this morning. DS1 had pinched and hit me all morning and in the end I couldn't be arsed to fight him off anymore and let him pinch. It hurt a lot, but it was preferable to yet another scrap. And sometimes not reacting does work.

How old is he now? It's stating the bleeding obvious but I really think you need help managing his behaviour. Just having the plan 'when he does x I'll respond with y' can help - but you need help drawing this up. I know dealing with SS is impossible but if you can ring them and say you are desperate and you need a clinical psychology referral immediately.

MannyMoeAndJack Sat 26-Jul-08 20:35:38

>> We can't get more than the 24 nights a year

I'm afraid this comment is tantamount to saying, 'things are tough now but there's no point in asking for any more help because I know SS won't give more'

Methinks SS want you to believe this is so.

You know that what you get is not enough. You know that you are not coping atm. You know you have six weeks of holidays streeeeetching out in front of you. And you know you have to take things to another level in order to get the extra help that you need. Don't let them flatter you either because it's action that you need right now, not words.

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