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Happiness unaffected by life events.

(35 Posts)
cyberseraphim Mon 14-Jul-08 10:58:06

What do you think about this ?

In some ways, I actually feel happier - knowing that I have survived a traumatic event like realising a child has a serious developmental disorder but if his ASD was more severe I don't know if the same would apply but you only really know what your own situation is like.

cyberseraphim Mon 14-Jul-08 10:59:09

keep forgetting to do that

Tclanger Mon 14-Jul-08 19:16:58

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cyberseraphim Mon 14-Jul-08 19:28:46

Great Minds think alike - I was reminded of the Nietzche quote too !

nikos Mon 14-Jul-08 20:21:43

Although if I had a magic wand I would make it all go away, I am indeed stronger and like a lioness when it comes to fighting for ds. All the stuff I used to sweat about the other 2 NT children has disappeared too. I'm much less judgemental too (well usually wink)

sphil Mon 14-Jul-08 23:12:42

Hmm - I don't know. I am definitely not as happy now as I was before DS2 was dx- in the sense that I don't feel I can ever relax and have that carefree feeling. There's always something niggling away in the back of my mind that stops me from being completely happy - and I did have times before when I was perfectly, utterly happy.

I think it's changed me hugely - some ways positively (more confident, less bothered about what others think), some ways negatively (more anxious, more obsessive, more grumpy!)

Tclanger Tue 15-Jul-08 07:51:21

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sarah293 Tue 15-Jul-08 08:41:15

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FioFio Tue 15-Jul-08 08:44:03

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jimjamshaslefttheyurt Tue 15-Jul-08 08:50:20

I remember a friend saying that she thought we were all damaged in some way (she's also has a child at the severe end of the spectrum) and I think that's right.

I hear people talking about going camping/meeting other families to go fro a stroll/meeting up at BBQ's/going into town and having a meal out - and they're just chatting as if it's an easy everyday occurrence. (I was listening in to a conversation on Friday so it's recent for me). And I can't even remember feeling like that. They talk about family trips out as if they're fun, relaxed easy going affairs and I can't even imagine it being that way.

Like Fio I feel tired and worn out. I'm happy enough - although I've had to work hard at not getting bitter-, but I'm covered in bruises, the bits that aren't bruised (like my face) hurt from being punched repeatedly every day and my muscles ache from the physical side of lifting, carrying and holding down a 9 year old.

sarah293 Tue 15-Jul-08 08:53:49

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jimjamshaslefttheyurt Tue 15-Jul-08 09:03:19

I know what you mean riven. Ds1 loves doing all that stuff (as do the other boys), we just can't for reasons related really to the restaurant thread (eg if we go to a cafe he spends the whole time trying to get into the kitchen- the only way to keep him out is to physically hold him down- he's 9 - he screams, he punches and he hits the floor). Everything we do has to be planned. If we go to the beach . We are trying 3 nights camping but I have no idea whether it will work. It's quite possible he'll spend the whole time in the other people's tents trying to check out their loos (the tents have flushing loos) or trying to climb into their beds.

Although he could supposedly physically do all this stuff, he can't because his behaviour is so socially inappropriate. HTe social model of disability just doesn't really provide anything to deal with this sort of stuff. You can't let go of gripping his arm the entire time he's outside the front door and so hearing people talk about these days out as relaxed easy going affairs....... Half the time we can't go anyway because with ds1 requiring full 1:1 you need someone else for the other 2.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Tue 15-Jul-08 09:03:50

If we go to the beach should have been deleted.

sarah293 Tue 15-Jul-08 09:09:09

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jimjamshaslefttheyurt Tue 15-Jul-08 09:17:35

Meetups are hard I think. Even if you can find childcare/meet without the children your life os so different you still feel odd one out.

I tried to do normal stuff with ds3 and hated it.

Which I guess is a reflection of how much it changes you (ironically I had a year and a half of normal stuff with ds1 as he was such an easy baby).

It will get easier with full time school though.

cyberseraphim Tue 15-Jul-08 09:25:51

The article seems to be talking about traumatic events which happen and which you then move on from but when day to day care is a struggle in itself, the possibility of 'moving on' is less apparent. Our day to day care is only a little more than for an NT 4 year old so for us it has been more about adjusting expectations which is a lot easier to do than coping with severe day to day needs.

MannyMoeAndJack Tue 15-Jul-08 09:33:50

I think I get the point of the article and I think that we do adapt to changing situations (although I would say this is necessary for survival!), however, I would say that my happiness, post-ds, is closely coupled to his moods and behaviours at any given time. So, when he is in a calmer, quieter phase, I will be 'happier' because he requires slightly less supervision than when he is in full-on manic mode and this then affords me a margin of 'freedom'. And when my ds is in one of his can't-trust-him-for-a-second phases, then my happiness is put on hold because there is no time to indulge myself in anything for me.

I think the human spirit is strong under adversity but continual, unrelenting adversity undoubtedly takes its toll on the happiness factor.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Tue 15-Jul-08 09:34:42

Yep cyber- I think that's hit the nail on the head. For us the hardest thing is definitely that we are unable to do anything normal at all. And now people have stopped inviting us because they know we can't go.

Already this morning I've had to push him up the stairs, fight with him to get dressed, sort out his wet bed because his nappy leaked, stop him banging his head when he couldn't get his nappy off, stop him pinching me several times, go upstairs and removed him from ds2 nd ds3's room and lock the door because he was bashing the windows and dodge a few punches and kicks. I saw him for less than an hour!

The really irritating thing is that he's not punching or kicking aggressively. He's doing it because he desperately needs sensory integration. Which of course isn't available.

My friend said to me 'you're life will always be interesting' and I try and hold onto that and see it that way. But some days are harder than others.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt Tue 15-Jul-08 09:35:49

Good point from Manny about it being linked to ds1's moods..

Never come and visit at full moon!

MannyMoeAndJack Tue 15-Jul-08 09:51:25

At the end of the day, anyone dealing with and living with SN kids who have very severe/profound needs is de facto living an 'abnormal' life. This is tough enough in itself, yet we are simultaneously surrounded by a huge majority who have many more freedoms than ourselves. I think we do a great job given the circumstances - I guess you could say that the maternal bond has been tested and tested and tested but yet endures.

FioFio Tue 15-Jul-08 09:52:55

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FioFio Tue 15-Jul-08 09:55:32

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MannyMoeAndJack Tue 15-Jul-08 10:01:00

FioFio - not sure what you mean by 'for most people'?

FioFio Tue 15-Jul-08 10:02:12

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MannyMoeAndJack Tue 15-Jul-08 10:03:22

I thought that was what you meant, my comment was referring specifically to the contributors of this thread.

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