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Think i might just give up!

(74 Posts)
bonkerz Tue 17-Jun-08 18:20:58

Its all too much right now.

Today topped it all being told by SENA that DSs problems are my fault and the PRU told me they know what DS needs better than me.

Maybe i am fighting a losing battle. Feel the lowest i have felt in ages today.

Marriage is really strugglng under this strain. Finances are in a bad place and it looks like we may have to get rid of my car Thursday cos cant afford to get it fixed. No car means no life (live in viallage crap public transport) Also means i cant get DS when he is kicked out on exclusion or take DS to appointments as all a good 30 min drive away.

Want to just grab my kids and run TBH, dont have the energy to fight for DS AND for my marriage.

HairyMaclary Tue 17-Jun-08 18:44:14

Hi Bonkerz
I've been following your fight with such admiration! I don't often post but I couldn't let this go unanswered. It's so hard when you have to fight to everything, including your personal life and nothing seems to make a difference. You have done an amazing job for your son and NO-ONE, especially not the useless PRU knows what your son needs better than you.

Is it possible to talk a bit to DH and just acknowledge to each other that things are really tough right now with everything else going on? DH and I sometimes find that acknowledging it means that it can be dealt with later iyswim. Apologies if this is completely unhelpful!

Cars are so expensive now aren't they, is there any way that DS would be eligable for the mobility part of the DLA?

I hope you find the strength to fight on, with your DH, for what you know will benefit your DS. Take care.

bonkerz Tue 17-Jun-08 18:54:34

thanks for replying.
Have applied for higher rate DLA and mobility but havent heard abck yet...its been 10 weeks now. If we get it then we have decided to get a car with it and all will e fine but they are taking their time and im thinking that maybe we wont get it cos its been so long! The back pay if we get it would clear my OD too but obviously no news is good news.

DH is struggling too at work right now and whats happened is we both need support but neither of us has the energy to give it. Im doing everything for DS and DH is going to work! I feel neglected and im sure he does too but right now i think if we acknowledged the problems and talk about them it may actually tip us over the edge IYKWIM.

HairyMaclary Tue 17-Jun-08 19:48:21

WE have just ordered our first mobility car to pick up this week and it took nearly 14 weeks to get a decision! DS already had middle rate care and is a fairly clear cut case as he can't walk! I think they may be snowed under, I hope you get it, it certainly eases some pressures.

i know what you mean about struggles at work and both needing support, have no advice but lots of empathy!

bonkerz Thu 19-Jun-08 12:00:49

went to docs today and got some Anti Ds so hope that will give me a well earned boost!

flyingmum Thu 19-Jun-08 16:04:49

Hope you feel better soon. I found Anti Ds took 2 weeks to kick in but felt better in a way because I had done something about myslef (was having panic attacks all the time). I think they are really helpful when things start looking rather black. You need to keep strong for both your children and for your self and marriage.

How can your son's problems be your fault? A friend of mine was also told this by a family therapist. Turned out he had chronic ADHD and a psychological disorder which was pretty severe.

Sandy Rowe's book (brilliant by the way) on How to Survive the Special Educational needs system tells of her battles for all four of her kids. She also writes frankly about her husband and her relationship which was very strained. I think it is bound to happen when you have tons of stress. The stress comes from outside sources though not from either of you. Have either of you got some form of escape in a hobby or activity? If not I heartly recommend escape - cheap escape for me was fast walking for half an hour round the block. In a funny sort of way it really helped.

Can you take a week out away from the SEN Schooling stuff to regroup a bit or are you tied to SENDIST dates to get stuff in? I just think a bit of a clear space where you don't do anything with that at all and concentrate on something else (yourself, your husband, both of you) just now might help you to clear your thoughts, think about what the LEA are actually up to and decide clearly your next plan of action.

Hve you got an outside bod to whom you can talk over options?

TotalChaos Thu 19-Jun-08 16:21:06

I'm sorry things are so shit right now. It's such an easy get out for people to blame the parents sometimes.

bonkerz Thu 19-Jun-08 16:28:51

thanks guys for the support.
SENDIST date for evidence ended today so technically i have no more deadlines to meet, just got to wait till sept 16th for the appeal.
In reality though i have to ring every mainstream primary in area to see if they would be able to cope with DS and try and get as many letters as possible from them stating they cannot have DS! The closest special school (state one) has already said they cannot help DS so if i rule out all MS then we will have a stronger case.
Have a holiday booked 14th July so will have some 'family' time then.
DH and I have both been put on Anti Ds today so we will see if that helps any!

onlyjoking9329 Thu 19-Jun-08 16:36:12

how awful for them to blame you for your DS additional needs angry
i will keep everything crossed that the DLA sort things pronto and that you get something suitable school wise, i know you are not far from me but i don't know any of the schools near you MS or SN.
you and you DH are under a lot of pressure and strain so will find it difficult for a while, but you can get throu it.
do give me a shout if i can help in anyway.

bonkerz Thu 19-Jun-08 16:44:56

Thanks OJ, the LEA have mentioned a school that is nearer you than me (WING HALL???) but its residential and i dont think i can do that to DS!
I know that i will see the light at the end of the tunnel soon but it seems just as getting close to it the LEA add another tube on!

flyingmum Thu 19-Jun-08 16:55:00

Sorry Bonkerz had to dash last time and just pressed post message as I had a bod trying to sell me stuff (second one today).

Do you think the LEA have concocted something to a) hope you will go away and give up on tribunal and b) go to tribunal because they know they don't really have much of a leg to stand on and if they are made to pay for priory by SENDIST that is how they can square that with the men in suits.

I would go and look round the one they mentioned just so you look very positive. If you don't want residential (and I can understan why) you can play the card that my LEA played with us when they thought that the only option might be residential was that 'we don't really want to ruin family relationships with siblings' I did actually think he had a point just that he was using it as a get out clause not to spend tons of money!

All the best.

bonkerz Thu 19-Jun-08 18:16:55

thanks flying mum, what you say about LEA sounds perfectly feasable. I do think they are waiting for priory to be forced on them as an option so they can 'justify' the expense and definately belive they are pushing me to the limit to get me to drop out!
I eamiled my Mp again last night and he has replied this morning saying he is shocked to hear we are still struggling and has sent an email to the director of children services in my county asking for answers! If nothing else atleast it keeps up the pressure on LEA!!!!

Seuss Thu 19-Jun-08 20:03:16

It's ridiculous really that just as parents come to accept that their child has special needs they then have to actually fight to get them a place in a special school?!? I mean as if anyone would actually be trying to get their child into a special school if they didn't need it? (No disrespect to special schools -ds' is the lovliest school I've seen - just in an ideal world he would be able to cope in mainstream.) I hate the way parents are made to feel like they are making unreasonable demands when they simply want their children to be educated. When my ds got booted out of mainstream and we were trying to get him into the special school I felt like I was begging for him to be able to go to school. Ridiculous - sorry for ranting just brings back memories! Keep up your fight - you are doing a great job!

bonkerz Sat 21-Jun-08 10:09:37

ok fighting spirit is back! Just sat for an hour and a half emailing 115 school in my county with a detailed email of DS and needs etc and asking if their school can meet those needs. Have said i want them to be honest and have not told them what we want for DS as dont want to be accused by LEA of leading answers etc!!! Have asked all emails are replied to within 2 weeks and said i can visit or be contacted if they need more info!
Hopefully atleast 50% will reply and say they cannot meet DSs needs then i can submit that to SENDIST as late evidence!!!!!!
Also camhs are now doing the ADOS and the 3DI-R!

HairyMaclary Sat 21-Jun-08 11:42:37

Well done Bonkerz! I hope you get the result you need from them!

daisy5678 Sat 21-Jun-08 23:04:04

I think that's a fantastic idea. You are so likely to win this Tribunal; it's just a shame the LEA won't give in before the summer. Gits.

Keep that fighting spirit! I'm sorry I've not seen what's going on with you fighting spirit is also in short supply at the moment and I don't seem to have enough time to even go on the computer when I want to. Sorry to hear about the problems with DH, but if you can get through this, you can get through anything.

Great news on the ADOS. When are they doing it?

Thanks for the reply on my other thread about DLA and I'm putting a whole load of stuff together now.

Take care xxxxx

Tclanger Sat 21-Jun-08 23:07:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bonkerz Sun 22-Jun-08 18:16:22

cheers ladies! Am still feeling pleased abou the email idea, just hope some of them reply now so i can submit as evidence because im sure they wont be able to cope with DS even with the best will in the world!
ADOS to be done in JULY, 3DI-R is being done sooner i think im just waiting for the call from psych whos taken on DSs case to do the assessments.
Got a meeting at the PRU tomorrow to discuss plans. Am a bit sceptical TBh as think PRU are in cohorts with SENA and im thinking i need to be careful what i say which will be hard. I dont want to give the LEA too much info so they can arm themselves for the appeal BUT at the same time i want it to get back to the LEA that im confident and armed with evidence and plan to fight till the end to get priory! IYKWIM.
things a bit better with DH since we talked, he is being a little more supportive too but obviously we will have to see. Hopefully the ADs will kick in and all will be fine!!!
Givemesleep, sorry to hear you having a tough time mate, if you need to chat im an email away OK. Dont be a stranger!

bonkerz Sun 22-Jun-08 20:53:06

had first reply today too from a head of a school! She detailed how she will be unable to accept DS and also gave minimal info about a child she already has at the school who has LESS problems than DS and how she is seeking special school for that child too!!!


that will now be my new tag line!!!

daisy5678 Sun 22-Jun-08 21:10:38

I agree that PRU do not seem at all impartial. I'm glad you've had some replies - tbh, even if only a few reply, it'll be good at the Tribunal. And will scare the sh1t out of the LEA! Yay.

As for me... sad

Ironic, isn't it? I want mine to be accepted by M/S, you don't...both for very good reasons. Let's hope we both get our wishes!

daisy5678 Sun 22-Jun-08 21:11:07 sorry

bonkerz Mon 23-Jun-08 10:15:55


bonkerz Mon 23-Jun-08 10:26:57

emails coming fast today!!!!


bonkerz Mon 23-Jun-08 11:46:48


flyingmum Mon 23-Jun-08 14:48:05


Glad to see fighting Bonkerz back.

Priory is the only option really. They know it just they've got to take you to the wire and be seen to take you to the wire.

You know what they will do. Give in less than 24 hours before the tribunal so you don't even get your fight!

How did you meeting at the PRU go. Is there someone else who could go with you to take notes? I'd come but Leicesters a bit far . . !

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