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upset again.........

(11 Posts)
anniebear Mon 20-Dec-04 22:04:07

Sorry, am having a moan again!!! Two in one day!!!

Went to my Daughter Grace's nativity at her Sunday School yesterday. We had to leave Ellie at home with my Mum as she wouldn't have sat still or kept quiet.

As Grace walked in looking gorgeous dressed as a star I welled up and had to hide my tears behind my hair.

But it wasn't because I was so proud (although I was very much!) or because she looked so cute (she did!!) it was because I was thinking "Ellie should be sitting next to her, we should have had our twin girls both dressed as stars"

I am just finding things really hard. I always have mixed feelings posting on here when I am down, I think, well at least you all understand, but I feel bad as many of you have lots of upsets and stress. So I am sorry if I sound too sorry for myself.

I just want to be able to enjoy both my girls. I know they are individuals and would have been different anyway, but they are still twins and I feel so robbed of so many things they would and should have done together.

Still feel like I am grieving almost, but it has now been 2yrs and 8 months since she was ill.

I know I have moved on some what and don't cry every day like I used to but I still get so down and upset.

I know counselling has been discussed recently, do you think that may help?

I was on the verge of going to the Doctors about 5 weeks ago as I had felt really down, worse than usual and was crying lots but I have been ok since. But then I go to the nativity and cry. Went to our special needs toy Library party last Thursday and had to come out because I was in tears as my two seem the only ones who couldn't sit still, and that was in a special needs group!!

I am beginning to feel that going to certain places is beginning to get really hard because of Ellie.

I just really want to be able to enjoy being a parent, they start School full time in September and I feel like I have missed out on so much because I am always thinking "what should have been"

Sorry to waffle on, I have to tell somebody!!!!
Thanks for listening

Angie

pixiefish Mon 20-Dec-04 22:07:33

I am listening Angie but don't know what to say apart for keep talking and we'll keep listening... someone with better advice will be along shortly I'm sure ... big hugs

TwasTheNightBeforeCatbert Mon 20-Dec-04 22:27:43

oh sweetheart...

And I don't know much about your circumstances, but I do know it's too hard to live with "what ifs" in your life. They are damaging, and cause you to live in the past and false expectations of what life might have been like. You have also said you walked out of the Christmas party, but you probably would have been OK to stay - as you say, it was a SN group, and surely if anyone does, they would have understood.

I have a big "what if" in my own life, and if I dwell upon it, it stops me living. I shan't bother you with the details. You have enough to think about.

You already understand your girls are and always would have been individuals. You have said as much. But you think you have one girl against whom you can compare the other as a constant reminder of how things have changed.

I think that counselling would be a good place to start. There are probably things you need to learn to accept and face about your situation which will help you to live for now and the future and help you move on from the past.

I am so sorry if I sound glib. I am always very scared of posting on the SN threads (because what do I really know eh?) but you sounded so sad. I just wanted to let you know I had read and had thought about you. hugs.

coppertop Mon 20-Dec-04 22:27:47

Never apologise for posting when you're feeling down! It's what the SN board is for. There's usually someone around to offer help and support even if (like me in this case ) they don't have any advice.

I think you're more than entitled to feel upset about things. I still sometimes find myself comparing ds1 to other children. I know I shouldn't but I still do it. In your case you have Grace there as someone to compare Ellie too. It must be really difficult not to compare them.

Start as many threads and make as many posts as you want/need to. Hugs {{{{}}}}

charlie95 Mon 20-Dec-04 22:29:32

i feel stressed and distressed about ds prblems nearly 4 yrs on. i was the one who started the counselling thread recently.

we just seem to live week by week really. we dont know how he will progress in each area of development or what he's really going to be like as he gets older. noone has ever been able to tell us. which is why we live week by week and still have OT and why he needs to change schools next year. hes in school now part time but will probably change next sept and assume he may go full time. i always cant help feeling what things must be like for him from his point of view and this always upsets me.......................................sorry eyes are filling up. are we too hard on him or expect too much too soon ?

i'm pg again so even more emoitonal than normal. but i always find something on here thats useful to know or that helps. at least there other peoeple out htere oging throught problems (no offence anyone) and you/i are not on our own. someone somewhere will have done something exactly or similar to another and its good to know and swap ideas/advice etc.

DingleAlltheWay Mon 20-Dec-04 23:02:58

Sending you hugs anniebear!!
Watching things like nativity plays can always be emotion, even to those parents who don't have a child with SN. It's just one of those "lump in throat times" for many of us. Just some of us are more emotional than others!
I watched my DS's assembly last week and when the nursery class came in a did their little dance, my heart sank for a split second, as I wondered whether next year my dd would be among them, dancing away with a huge grin on her little face! For a split second the highlight was off my son, and he was the reason I was there. Then came the split second of guilt....shall I go on, or do you understand where I am coming from.
It has been said already, but it must be so hard for you, because you have the "comparison" there all the time.You can always see the difference between your girls and think of the "what if's." I know it is easy to say that they are both individuals, but when you are low, that is not always so easy to cope with.
I look at dd, and I see dd, I don't see what she isn't doing, I focus on what she can do and try to put my energy (what little I have left!) on helping her to achieve one step at a time. I don't have that "difference" to cope with every time I look at my children and I really feel that this must be such a major obstacle for you to overcome.
I have no experience of this anniebear, but surely,take any help that you can. Push for counselling, it can't do any harm! Don't worry about the time that has already passed with your girls, you cannot change that. Make every attempt possible to make the future easier and happier for all of you.
I sorry for the waffle, I cannot say much to help, but never feel alone, there is always someone to understand here on MN.
Hugs, Dingle.xx

mullgedwine Mon 20-Dec-04 23:59:48

Oh Anniebear((((((((())))))))))). I know exactly what you mean. My two are twins, and it breaks my heart almost daily thinking of what might have been, comparing one with the other. I can't do anything to make it better, but can send you lots of sympathy and empathy but too for our day and night twins!

Socci Tue 21-Dec-04 01:16:43

Message withdrawn

Jimjambells Tue 21-Dec-04 11:19:37

It will hit you less and less gradually. I think those moments will always be there though. I remember last Easter we were staying in a campervan- having a lovely time- we'd been to the cabaret (although ds1 had lasted about 2 minutes) and were walking back up to the van. We passed the site restaurant and there was a family group- mum dad and 2 boys the same ages as ours- they were kind of sitting around chatting and laughing and that was it- me back in the van sobbing away. It was the image of normality that did it for me.

Found the same on the ferry over to Ireland this summer- lots of normal families in my face and I hated it (the ferry on the way back was too traumatic to be upsetting in that way- ds1 was freaking out!).

How much contact do you have with the SN community? I think during the last year I've got to the stage where I can deal with mixing with NT people with children fairly regularly- but I still need to then come home and offload to SN friends. And it is very recent- and its still often raw.

If you do go for counselling its important to get someone who understands the pressures you are under- and the emotions. You don't want someone who tries to link things back to your childhood for example. My best couselling comes from my SN friends (and we call it moaning ) just because we totally understand where we are coming from.

blossomgoodwill Tue 21-Dec-04 11:23:12

I totally understand too Anniebear. Was in tears on Saturday as took ds to see Polar Express and knew that dd wouldn't last 5 minutes so didn't take her. Felt awful as always feel like dd misses out. She went with dh to see a road with lots of Christmas lights instead and throughly enjoyed it.
I just can't wait until we can all go to Pizza hut and the cinema on a Saturday, it will be great once dd gets older and we actually can.

SantaFio2 Tue 21-Dec-04 11:28:13

I've got to admit alot of my 'counselling' must have been done with mumsnetters when i first started posting a few years ago! I think we always have the feeling sad and angry bit. I dont think it ever goes away. i look at some people and think they are vile horrible disgusting people why have me and my husband had to have a child with special needs when we have been through so much anyway, and that is not a nice thought. i love my daughter and I feel sorry for her but she doesnt want me to feel sorry for her! SAhe is gorgeous and lovely and very very happy. She has no idea she is different I am sure, and to some extent i take comfort in that. This is most probably not a very 'pc' message, and i am sorry if it offends anyone.

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