How do other sn parents stay positive and manage to stay 'happily 'married? Feeling low today!

[magso]

Feeling very low today, struggling with the knowledge that DS (8) will always need high energy parenting and fear I will loose DP!! Dp returned from a business trip several days early and I just felt sad (overexcited Ds, no early night for me, grumpy critical jetlagged DP! How do you manage to keep a positive outlook when things start to go wrong? How do you share the difficult times, and find emotional support from DP? How do you manage to stay interesting when you spend most the day doing essential but not exactly life enhancing chores!?

[Peachy]

Positive- goodness knows LOL! Am not often that, can't see why i should be if I don't feel it

Happily married- luck? Certainly am not interesting or glamourous (PMSL at that) but Dh knows the score, they're his kids too and he's not exactly high maintenance either.

We talk a lot, do what we can together- eg when boys at school- but I do really feel the luck factor in marriage is massive.

[MegaLegs]

Oh magso sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I don't know what to suggest and I always come across as reaaly patronising when I try and help! DH and I have good times and bad times, I nearly walked out of the house at 5 am this morning, had my coat on and bag, but DS4 followed me down stairs and of course I would never leave them but it grinds you down.

What support are you getting?

[mccreadymum]

It is just hard magso, there's no two ways about it. My DH learned the hard way that you have to work together when there's an autistic child, as his first marriage split up - at least partly to do with having an ASD child. This time round, he is much more careful as he's now married to me and we have two children together, one of whom is ASD. He has learned not to make the same mistakes, as he was a wreck when his first marriage ended. The thing is, the going out to work part is actually easier than the staying home part - but most of them don't get that!
I used to have a big city job, working in investment banking, so I know for sure that mothering an ASD child and one other is a lot harder !

[Peachy]

Megalegs btw- i dont think you come across as patronising, you always seem supportive to me.

[MegaLegs]

Thanks peachy I try! Sometimes I type a post out and delete and retype and delete until it sounds ok.

How ar eyou doing magso? Come and talk to us when you can.

[magso]

Megalegs hope today is better! I used to go and sit in the car for some lone time when it all got too much now DS follows me! Dps work is quite stressful so he doesn't exactly come home ready and willing to muck in, although he is a very good dad. Some how I have disapeared,and this tired domestic thing (currently sporting a red shiny nose!) has replaced me!
Peachy you cant be less glamorous than me lol! I suppose I feel I have to keep my chin up no matter what!But talking of time with your dh I realise we have very little couple time without Ds so time I worked on that! Time to find a 'babysitter' methinks!
You are right mccready caring for a sn child is harder by far than working for one thing it is continous and unending and the other mostly unrewarding. There are the little moments like Ds managing to stand smartly still for a minute in the remembrance parade! I still work a little and it is lovely to get away and hear conversation!

[Peachy]

I have a slight advantage on the time front, as DH's shifts mean he's often around in the day 9although I get the night tantrums in exchange of course!)

have you looked at home start?

[magso]

No I havent thought of home start and to be honest I still havent done the dLA forms!! I didnt realise about dla until the paed asked if we were getting high or middle rate! I was rather tied up appealing against the statement at the time so let it slip!! If we get DLA we could use it for respite occasionally. So have ordered the forms!! Ds goes to a lovely afterschool club once a week (my working day falls on their quiet day so they can care for him!) so we are very lucky. So as homestart is in short supply I'll try to find another way! Ds is full time at school now he is at a special school so really life has got easier for both Ds and I! So time I worked on the adult relationships in the family! Thanks guys feeling more positive now!

[Peachy]

Do think about HomeStart- yes its in short supply (used to be a manager for them) but that didnt mean we didnt want referrals, and i get the impression it could really help in your case, give you some one to one for yourself.

[magso]

Thanks Peachy, will look into Homestart. I thought I would get time to myself once Ds was in ft school but that hasnt really happened yet - too big a backlog of long neglected chores! It looks like we will soon have a specialneeds saturday club locally so will look into that also since actually evening care is so complex (any carer would have to be fully able to cope with Ds). So much of caring is just keeping your head above water IYKWIM.

[MABS]

do fill in the dla forms, tho i warn you it's harrowing. Have to say, marriage with an sn child is hard, take care.

[Peachy]

DLA downer tip: on a separate piece of paper (which you never ever let them see) make sure you write one positive for every DLA negative you haev to write- that reduxces the depression factor massively, with the bonus you can keep the list for referring to for other low times

[lourobert]

my Relationship has suffered greatly...but would it have anyway??? DOnt think I could manage on my own though which is a very selfish point of view I know but its true

[Blu]

Magso - there is a MN-er who found counselling very very helpful in dealing with all the issues in being the parent of a SN child who needs full-on attention. She found someone who understood / had experience of the issues, too.

[lourobert]

speaking of counselling. is there anywhere that you can get counselling which is geared solely to working through being a parent of a child with sn. I went to some counselling a while ago and it was crap.....she didnt have a clue and was SO patronising.

[r3dh3d]

Not that I'm aware of Louro.

We went to Relate and found it hugely, hugely helpful. We learned:

• that all the stuff we had put down to intrinsic problems with our relationship were actually issues around DD1
• that having an SN child makes it more difficult to talk and resolve issues so you have to force yourself to ... well, to relate, really.

The other thing that helps us is we have a live-in Mother's Help (which we pay for, natch ) which means 2 nights babysitting a week that we take come hell or high water.