I resent my disabled child

(192 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Meandyou02 Thu 11-Jun-20 18:08:50

Another day ,another handful of my hair torn out,a bite on my shoulder which has not stopped stinging since 4am this morning when he woke and inflicted it,3 hours sleep for me for 14th night in a row,non stop crying for reasons he cant tell me(non verbal) followed by non stop laughing .pinched arms all day long.hate that I'm still wiping his bum up to 10 times a day and hes far far to big for it and kicks me with his big string legs on my face or anywhere and gets muck everywhere in the process.theres no chance he will ever be toilet trained.SS have said theres no available respite.I hate it,hate that hes ruined my life and my other kids life.hes been a screaming demanding nightmare since he was born.no sleep no enjoyment, theres nothing about him that brings any happiness. I am at the stage I seriously think I need to give him up to social care.but I love him,what the hell can I do.im in a living hell.people judge those mothers who kill themselves and take their child but I completely understand why they do,sometimes there is no answer ,no help great enough.

OP’s posts: |
slangofoillmochara Thu 11-Jun-20 18:10:45

This must be so hard. My son also has a disability and it can be bloody tough at times. Have you approached any charities in your area who specialise in supporting families with his condition?

Nquartz Thu 11-Jun-20 18:11:12

I'm so sorry to read this. I don't have any advice but I didn't want to read & run. I hope someone else can help

sadwithkiddies Thu 11-Jun-20 18:11:18

I understand.
Also finding lockdown hard with disabled children.
Please call your childs social worker and tell then you need urgent respite as you cannot continue at present.
Tell them you are in crisis they will help you.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring Thu 11-Jun-20 18:12:48

I can't say anything useful sorry. I know there are lots of amazing parents on MN that can help, but didn't want to read and run.
I can't imagine anyone thinking yabu, sounds a nightmare for you all xx

Inaquandry19 Thu 11-Jun-20 18:14:31

I know how you feel op, similar situation here. Are you a member of the send vcb page on Facebook? I have found it very helpful and have done several of Yvonne's webinars.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty Thu 11-Jun-20 18:16:15

I wish I could say something that would help.
It sounds desperately hard for you sad

anxietrist Thu 11-Jun-20 18:16:46

Surely there must be respite care in circumstances like this? You desperately need a break.

MoreCookiesPlease Thu 11-Jun-20 18:18:00

So sorry OP. Is there any family or anyone else nearby who could give you a break for an hour or two? I'm so sorry to read of your pain. sad Sorry I have nothing to add, couldn't read and run.

EmeraldShamrock Thu 11-Jun-20 18:18:33

You're not alone it is difficult not to resent them. My DS age 5 is verbal it is hard admitting it but his impact on our life especially my DD is very difficult.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice. flowers

YouJustDoYou Thu 11-Jun-20 18:19:49

I hear you op. My.oldest has autism and it's been hard - not as hard for you. But it was still hard. Little.things like other mothers telling me what a nasty little boy he is just because he flapped his hand at their precious perfect children. Hatred directed at him because he doesn't understand how to be quiet around their precious family. Men in the street telling me to "shut my fucking kid up" because he's making hisn screaming noises again. In-law family with their perfect fucking kids telling me I need to just "let him roam" (near the pond that he has absolutely no concept of danger of), judging him for his behaviour, dismissing him as a nothing piece of shit just because he's not like his perfect nieces and nephews. No judgement here, op.

Slushpuppienostalgia Thu 11-Jun-20 18:20:44

Op, no advice but I just couldn’t read and not reply. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can source some help from somewhere.

1Morewineplease Thu 11-Jun-20 18:21:21

Op I’m so sorry to read your story.
There are places like Space2Bme who offer some time for children like your little one . CAHMS or your Family Liaison Officer ( and SS) should be able to signpost you to these types of services.
I also suggest that you keep banging on at SS.

Community Paediatricians and local Speech and Language Therapy services should also have signposts to other services that could offer you some support.

Best wishes OP.

MoseShrute Thu 11-Jun-20 18:23:08

OP....nothing but sympathy here. Your situation sounds incredibly difficult. No judgement for resenting your child. You need support. Its a fucking tragedy that SS are so under resourced and unable to help you. flowers

PlanDeRaccordement Thu 11-Jun-20 18:23:42

I agree, call S.S. or the care coordinator type person and tell them your feelings and that you are on the verge of breaking down.
No shame in putting him into a care home. Not everyone can be a primary carer to a disabled child. Giving birth to them doesn’t magically make you able to do it.

saraclara Thu 11-Jun-20 18:25:55

I used to teach children like yours, OP. And I sometimes wondered how the parents got through each day. One mother basically worked a night shift with her boy, who rarely slept but screamed the house down. She slept when he was at school. Weekends and holidays were a nightmare for her.

I wish I had an answer. But I understand your feelings, and you'd get no judgement from me if you decided you couldn't do it anymore and contacted SS. Your other children sound like they need a break.

TinklyLittleLaugh Thu 11-Jun-20 18:28:54

You are in an awful situation OP. It can’t be good for any of you. In your situation I think I would give my child up. Surely you will still get to see him and have a relationship with him.

Annoyingly, whoever takes over looking after him is going to be given far more support than you have been given.

I hope life improves for you all.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 11-Jun-20 18:33:36

I am so incredibly sorry for what you're going through. I can't even imagine how hard it is. I think you do need to call SS and tell them you are in serious crisis and can't cope anymore. You have to think about your needs and your other children, and remember none of this is your fault. Please get help before you suffer a breakdown.

HalloumiSalad Thu 11-Jun-20 18:34:48

A lady in our area took her and her own childs life in a similar situation. I didn't know her or of her plight, but I cried and it played on my mind for so long because I totally understood and the tragedy was stark. I felt nothing for that mother except sorrow and sympathy.
I wish I had more to offer.
I truly hope there is a service / charity who can offer you the life-line you so desperately need and deserve.

Deltoids1 Thu 11-Jun-20 18:36:05

How old is your DS? Do you get any Direct Payments from the Council?

StopGo Thu 11-Jun-20 18:36:11

@meandyou02 sorry clicked wrong button. YANBU you are coping above and beyond. UnMN hugs to you

DisobedientHamster Thu 11-Jun-20 18:36:21


Zzz1234 Thu 11-Jun-20 18:38:22

One mum once told me (I have always worked in care mainly older adults but did work with children in 2008-10) that she felt so guilty putting her child in care, - what loving mum would do that to their child but it was actually the best thing she ever did and she wished she had done it earlier as now she actually gets to spend quality time with her child, she was no longer do the almost sleepless nights, feeding cleaning etc, but could enjoy a simple walk to the park with the child as she had the energy to do it and looked forward to seeing the child, rather than dreading the time when the taco brought them home from school.

TheRealShatParp Thu 11-Jun-20 18:39:42

OP, that sounds so incredibly tough. I have no advice I’m afraid, but I have an awful lot of sympathy xx

tellmemoretellmemore Thu 11-Jun-20 18:40:29

That sounds extremely difficult. Hugs to you 💐

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