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I am i right to do this????????????(9 Posts)
My son 4 has many problems ADHD, DYSPRAXIA, Global development delays. I do not cope with his behaviour well and my partner dispairs with him also. His dad has not had much contact for the last 3 years and my son does not really know him as such but would go off with any stranger no sense of danger. his dad is back on the sence and he sensibily and seriosly wants my ds to go live with him 20miles away full time his dad also suffered with adhd as a child and feels he can offer him a stable life with better understanding. i feel like i am drowning with the demands of my son as i also have a 20m old and a 11w old baby.
life with my ds is soo hard and im at breaking point. do i send him to live with his dad and then have regular contact at weekends.
i want to but have doubts and feel guilty that i cant cope. help
Don't blame yourself for not coping. Having a SN child is very hard and stressful, especially if you've been doing it alone.
What about sharing with his dad to start with to see how you feel and to get a bit of a break. Getting a break means you can recharge and enjoy the nice qualities of your little boy rather than being totally shattered over the difficult behaviour. I know I cope better after a break and enjoy my daughter more as herself.
How serious is your ex about looking after his lad? Do you trust him with a child with no sense of danger. All this will need to be sirted out before he even stays a weekend with his dad.
Good luck with whatever decision you make.
It sounds very tough, dealing with the 3 young children. I agree with needmorecoffee - rather than make any firm decision now to live with his dad, have his dad take him for nights/weekends once he knows him well enough, and then once you have that bit of time to think, see how you feel, rather than rush into any decisions now.
Can I just ask why Dad has come back on the scene after a long absence? Do you think there is a danger that he might have romantic ideas that he can make your son's life so much better and that they will have this mutual understanding thing and walk hand in hand off into the sunset. Is he aware of the day to day grind of dealing with a child with full blown ADHD, Dyspraxia +++? How much experience has he had of the long term realities of living with your little boy (ie, more than just a day out type thing?)
I don't know much about ADHD (one of the few things seemingly my son hasn't got!) but if its anything like ASD then all sufferers are different so what his Dad felt may be completely different to how your son operates.
sorry, this isn't much help and managing three kids under 5 is medal winning in my book but I do think that questions need to be asked of real dad first. You, after all, have been the one stable thing in your son's life so far and will always be there so to change things will be a big deal for him and for you. Also you are quite clearly knackered with a tiny baby and hormonal. I wouldn't rush into anything long term just yet. I know on a bad day even without a tiny baby in tow, I would have been quite happy to have someone take my son away but the reality .... that's another matter.
All the best.
I do trust my ex as i feel like i know him very well aslo they woul be living with ds paternal grandmother. he is a struggle to live with and coz my sons has started reception he needs to live in one place cant share weeks or months.
does it make me evil to want a stressfree life again
I agree with whith NMC. You could be much better allowing his Dad to have lots of contact and stays. It will give you a break to re-charge, and allow your son to build a relationship with his Dad, who from what I understand from your post, he hasn't seen since he was 1.
It also worries me (sorry being very blunt here) why his Dad had not been around for the last 3 years. You have had no support from him for 3/4 of his life, yet he is now asking for custody?? I don't know the full situation but it doesn't sound right to me.
Be really really carefully about handing over custody, as it could be very difficult to get it back in the future. I know things are though at the moment, but as your little ones grow it will get easier (honest!!).
Good luck with whatever you decide.
You understandably seem absolutely desparate for help and a rest. Could there be another way instead? How about asking Homestart (not to be confused with surestart) who have volunteers to help you at home? You would definitely qualify because you have more than 2 young children at home. Or other organisations who can help lift the burden by volunteering help at home?
Or pay a babysitter (some A level student perhaps?) to come to your home to help for an hour after their school hours, when you can take baby out alone, for some peace?
Take ANY help that's offered, friends that offer to take baby out for a bit etc etc.
But I'm really not sure about the massive upheaval of losing your son, miles away with someone he barely knows. That could stress you out with the worry, but also could be potentially a disaster for your son. With ADHD some stability is so important, and despite his behaviour, he must love him mum very very much.
My biggest worry is that i am not the best thing for him, we have a very rocky relationship starting with my servere postnatal depression when i was a single mum coping with ds as a baby and toddler that i knew had problems but noone would believe or help me.
I despratly want to enjoy having him around me its just i dont. My day is filled with wishing he wasn't here. I only feel normal when he isn't here (ds just started school)
I love my childen with all my heart but my ds behaviour is preventing me from showing him as i dispair at the noise he creates i spend all day telling him to shut up and go away.
Dicsipline dose nt work i have tried everything and keep doing it it just has no efect. Its causing such a rift between me and my partner the dad to my 2 smallest that i feel sooner or later we will break up as he cant cope with the SN he has and if i cant stand his company and he is my son imagion what its like for my dp when he aint his kid.
Its hard to accept help as it affect my son behavour and makes him worse when people come into the house he turns crazy.
I know what i say and do is wrong and must be harming my son emotionally but when he starts i cant help it anymore im so fed up with it.
Whatever you decide to do i sounds like you need counselling. Having 3 kids under 5 is hard work (I had 3 under 3) and it sounds to me like you're still depressed. Depression stops you enjoying life, coping and so many other things and it might be that its focussing on the negative things about your 4 yo. When I was seriously depressed I could hardly bear to deal with my eldest at that age. She was highly strung, obssessive and extremely bright but also very needy, like a big black hole. I felt resentful and often just wanted her out the room. I would think about splitting up with DH solely so the kids could go stay with him and give me a break. It was all depression.
It is possible that living with his dad may be the right thing for you and your son and work out well, but making a huge decision like that while depressed or stressed might not be a good idea. A few years down the line you could regret it or your ex could do a few years and decide its cramping his batchelor lifestyle and dump a very angry and confused child on you.
What does your son say? Is he able to understand?
What about family counselling? It could explore if there are other reasons why its this child that you find hard (aside from his SN) and not the others. Include your ex and draw up a plan that initially gets your lad to get to know his dad and see how his dad copes with his son. Have you got a social worker from the Child Heath and Disability Team?
I'm throwing out ideas here. There have been times when I've been so depressed I would have sent my kids away but I know that when I was feeling better I would have regretted it terribly, however hard it is.
Please don't think I'm being critical but just saying make sure its the right thing for both of you and not seen through the fog that is depression. I've made terrible decisoins while depressed, its easy to do.
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