Desperate for behaviour advice 5yr old suspected ADHD

[WestWasnt]

DS is 5 and I suspect possible ADHD, his Dad was diagnosed as an adult. Up until he started school I thought he was just a child who enjoyed being outdoors and was often distracted by being 3/4 and wanting to play. School have said he does have ADHD traits but they won’t assess until he’s 7.
He’s a Summer born so we started him at school when he was 5. His behaviour is very good at school, though he struggles socially, this is improving though as the months go by. He doesn’t seem to know how to join in and play with the other children, he sometimes annoys them when he thinks he’s just playing a game with them, getting too close to their face etc. He really, really struggled to learn their names, but has finally managed now.
His behaviour at home, until he started school was mostly very good. He’s got a nearly 2 year old sibling who until a few months ago he was mostly very good with, and very gentle.
Recently though his behaviour has been much worse, he constantly harasses and bullies his sibling. He hits her, not hard thank god, but enough to annoy her, he blocks her way when she’s trying to walk about. He takes toys off her when he doesn’t really want it anyway.
He is also very loving with her, and they often sit having a cuddle, but literally seconds later he’s bullying her again.
I feel a bit lost, and don’t know where to start with how to discipline him. I have started to concentrate on comforting his sister when he’s cruel, and making a big deal of giving her a lot of attention. This does work at the time, he always looks sorry and usually comes to ask if she wants a cuddle, or to offer her a toy. It makes no difference 2 mins later though. He’s back to bullying her again.
Any advice would be so gratefully received. Any websites I could have a read of etc.
Many thanks in advance!!

[ShastaBeast]

I have an older adhd child. Diagnosed age 6 which was minimum age in the LA. We didn’t totally commit but used some 123 magic tips using the book. Some areas have courses based on the techniques for adhd parents. Plus methylphenidate was a game changer. However once the hyperactivity was reduced it was clear there were autistic traits and that explained some of the social issues. Unfortunately Coronavirus has impacted her ASD assessment and will probably impact other services too. If you can afford it I’d recommend going private unless your area doesn’t have two year waits. Just wait until he’s six as they won’t diagnose in the UK before this in our experience.

[WestWasnt]

Thank you, I’ll have a look at the 123 Magic technique. He’s definitely struggling more since he’s been off school. I have a chronic pain condition so it’s going to be a long year if they’re not back to school until September, and I can’t find a way to help him control his behaviour.

[ShastaBeast]

Snap I have chronic pain too. Although no doubt exacerbated by having a child with additional needs, lots of melt downs. Stress is a bit factor.

School has prioritised SN kids so offered a place to both my eldest adhd child and the probably dyslexic young one - school dropped the ball and delayed assessment. We spoke to the teacher after a half hour of tears and wearing school uniform the whole day on Friday. We are isolating as we almost definitely have COVID19. So we are (hopefully) immune so not increasing risk and it’s only two days. It will be a relief and otherwise I need to get creative to keep them occupied. But the methylphenidate is a life saver. Once on the right medication it can make a massive difference. I feel worse about the dyslexia as it’s less easy to overcome.

[WestWasnt]

That sounds really difficult! I agree stress definitely increases my pain.
I find it so tiring to try to find different things to occupy him while trying to referee and get stuff done at the same time. He hates being on his own, so doesn’t ever play in his room for more than 5 mins.

[MrsPworkingmummy]

OP, my 8 year old DD sounds very similar to your son. We asked for help via her school before she turned 7 in Year 2 and she's only just started to be seen by our local impact team and CAMHs. They suspect ODD and autism and possibly ADHD too and have made an urgent referral to cyps. I feel like I've lost my beautiful daughter. She is rude, spiteful, shouts and screams, frequently violent, uses horrendous language and is awful to her brother. Like your son, she 'blocks' her db from moving freely, teases him constantly, hits him and trys to control and manipulate. She can be very loving, funny and sweet but this is completely dependant on her mood. She's often manic and has meltdowns that can last hours. She hates being on her own and won't sleep in her own bed. My husband and I are stressed and depressed as a result. It's emotionally draining and I dread to think that we've got to live like this for years to come. I can offer no advice other than you are not alone. My husband and I are both loving parents, are professional people who should be able to handle this yet and we are at our wits end.

[WestWasnt]

Thanks you MrsP! It does help to feel less alone. I also feel very much that I should be able to deal with this. I am a qualified nursery nurse, though haven’t worked in a nursery for many, many years. It does make me feel like I should know what I’m doing though. I was considering emailing his teacher for advice, she’s lovely and the school have quite a high number of children with additional needs (if that’s the right term). I feel like I shouldn’t need to ask though, and worry that she’s got her hands full at the moment. It’s my youngest’s birthday tomorrow, I don’t think he’ll cope well with all the attention being on her, although obviously it will only be the 4 of us, so he won’t be vying for attention from Grandparents etc as well at least.

[openupmyeagereyes]

Does he get much 1:1 time with you and dh? If not it’s possible this is attention seeking behaviour and sibling jealousy so try to give him regular, focussed 1:1 time with both of you where you have fun with him.

I would recommend the book Calmer, easier, happier boys. It has some really good techniques.

[WestWasnt]

He gets plenty of 1-2-1 with his Dad, but not enough with me, I have a chronic pain condition so have to rest a lot. I guess I’ll have to make more effort to make sure he has time on his own with me. Thanks for the book recommendation too, I’ve bought it on audible.

[openupmyeagereyes]

Reading, crafting (if he likes it) etc. are all good too. It’s the spending time that’s important - talking and listening to him. Tricky during lockdown but hopefully not impossible.

[Mammabear31]

You've just described my nearly 7 year old @WestWasnt, but he tested negative for ADHD. We are waiting for an ADOS assessment, his paediatrician suspects Dyspraxia or social communication disorder.

We are struggling with the lockdown as I've always said hes like a dog - needs walking twice a day! - but he is very into lego and colouring so we are trying to keep him distracted. Hate to say it, but his tablet helps too.

[WestWasnt]

I also say that to his Dad that he needs walking twice a day, I think all kids do really, but some more than others. He’s finding it hard to understand why he can’t go to the park and why he can’t see his Grandparents. He keeps asking me how many weeks it’ll be until the “virus is less lively” of course it’s a very hard question to answer!

[Gmac82]

As Shastabeast commented above we found the 123 Magic system works well.
My son is 7, 8 next week, and has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. We had a full nerodevelopmental assesment done privately as we have been on the CAMHS waiting list for 2 years so far!
My son can be the loveliset, cuddliest wee boy one minute and then a nasty, uncaring devil the next. I find that turning my back on him and telling him not to speak to me because I'm angry with him, gets him curious and often agitated and wants to make things right. He can also explode with anger! I used to try to talk him out of a meltdown but our psychologist explained to us that he needs the meltdowns to regulate himself as this is the only way he knows how to do that at his age and therefore to leave him alone. He usually appears back acting totally normal as though nothing ever happened. Although he doesn't have a sibling we have a family dog and at the age of around 5 he got quite nasty to the dog, physically and verbally, and didn't seem to care. He lacks empathy and understanding of feelings and consequences but we had to remove items or toys that he liked as punishment and sometimes this happened 10 times a day until it sunk in that he didn't like the punishment. Yes, taking an item away would result in a screaming match and meltdown but we had to grin and bear it and after a few days he started to do it less and less. Not that it is easy to deal with several tantrums over the day when you have another child and your own health problems! Good luck x

[WestWasnt]

@Gmac82 Thank you for that, I always discounted 123 Magic when he was younger, I didn’t like the idea, I also didn’t like any kind of naughty step. He was very good when he was younger though, so it was easy for me to discount it, probably because he was an only child with a stay at home parent and very involved Grandparents and extended family.
I’ve read the basics of the 123 Magic system and have been using it the last couple of days. I’m hoping I’m seeing a slight improvement, but maybe I’m imagining it. Time will tell I guess.
The book recommended by a PP has arrived today as well, so hopefully that will help too. The real difficulty is getting time 1-2-1 with me, and I’m sure that would help more than anything else. That of course makes me feel like a rubbish parent!