autistic child who winds everybody up

[cola2019]

Hi. My son is 11 and has high functioning autism. He adores school so much and is doing fantasically well. In fact he wants to be at school all day every day because he says it is tthe only place where people like him. He is very popular with his peers and teachers and is a fantastic role model. Because he is respected and liked he has no reason to ever not do the right thing. So school for him is an absolute breeze. However socially anywhere else he is a nightmare he winds everyone up and everybody then snaps at him. He has no respect for any adults out of school and because of this he is hated because he is so rude. We are basically housebound at weekends or holidays because I have no idea who he is going to wind up and I can't risk it. He loves the reactions off adults when he misbehaves so he will be really naughty to get a reaction. He will listen to and respect me but anyone else out of school he will just purposely wind up. I don't really know why - he just says it is so funny watching them explode. He thinks everyone hates him (being autistic he is seen as wierd!!!) but at school everyone respects him for being him. I have heard of children who refuse to go to school but very rarerly hear of autistic children who want to stay at school the whole time. Any advice appreciated. Thank you

[madcatladyforever]

See if you can get some friends over who will totally ignore his rude behaviour and him.

[cola2019]

Ignoring definitely works. I think because he has quite obscure interests and obsessions nobody is interested because he actually has nothing in common with them so he gets their attention by being rude this includes most family members who actually refuse to have much to do with him. At school the staff think he is amazing because of his uniqueness and difference. it is a very inclusive school where they seem to embrace uniqueness.

[Legoroses]

It sounds to me like he doesn't have the skillset to manage outside school. Lots of kids act the eejit when they can't manage - nt kids too. He's doing a pretty spectacular job of that, but what's his other option? He obviously is motivated by doing well when the structure is in place and when he knows how to do well. Family events with people who might not be making the accommodations that teachers are, with much less certainty and predictability might be impossible for him, so he reverts to a very certain formula where he can predict exactly how people will respond. He's creating certainty and managing an unpredictable situation. It's actually probably comforting and the amusement is a bit of masking.

Do you have access to a really good SLT who could help build some of those wider communication skills?

[cola2019]

Legoroses - you explain it so well I think this is exactly how he feels. He knows he isnt the most liked or respected child out of school he knows he annoys people and is very very proud to be himself and he refuses to change to fit the criteria they want. We are hitting a very similar situation to when we were banned from free play toddler groups when he was 3 as there was no structure he would do things like throw toys or pull smaller kids about because he loved being shouted at by the parents and the more attention he got the more he did it. However structured groups such as swimming or music groups he would sit and listen to every instruction whereas other kids were running amok. My main problem is people think I am using his autism as an excuse because if he is this model child at school it means he can behave.

[FishingPaws]

Would you be able to create a situation where you can combine Legoroses idea of having asking someone to help him develop the necessary communication skills, with creating a much more structured set of family interactions? Instead of a free for all (which it probably feels like to your ds) have a visit with 1 or 2 family members who 'get' that your ds can behave (by their definition) when he knows what to expect and what is expected of him - then structure the visit for him so he's being set up for success. Something like that might act as a social stepping stone between the environments he's comfortable in and the ones he struggles with.