Dealing with competition

[KanelbulleKing]

I need some advice about DS aged 6. He's autistic but most of the time you wouldn't know as he's so happy and easy going. But every now and again a window opens and you see it clear as day. This is currently happening with competition and I'm at a loss as to how to deal with it.

Basically he goes to table tennis each week and they always warm up with a game of soft ball. DS is obsessed with this game and is hyper focused on the 'winning' element of it. But he's the youngest and least skilled so that's not going to happen. Every week the entire game is a complete disaster with meltdown after meltdown. He can't cope when he's caught. He can't cope if the ball isn't passed to him, He can't cope if it is and he then has to pass it to someone else. Everyone starts shouting at him to pass and I can see full on meltdown brewing as he's overwhelmed by the need to get someone else out and all the voices shouting at him to pass. It's awful.

I've tried talking to him and he gets what I'm saying until he's in the game. I've tried to get him to sit out to avoid the upset, but this upsets him more as he desperately wants to play. I'm at a loss as to what to do. He's fine playing tag and I think that's because there isn't a clear winner. If that makes sense.

Any ideas because I dread going with him now. The other parents must think he's a complete brat.

[LightTripper]

Does he ever play board games? Might get him used to the emotions around winning and losing in a less overwhelming/quieter environment?

Could you talk to the organiser and see if they can tone down the winning element for a few weeks while he settles in? Hopefully it will just take him time and practice to adjust to the idea....

[KanelbulleKing]

I try to get him to play board games but he won't. He'll play for a couple of minutes and then go back to minecraft.

[LightTripper]

If you explained that it might help him get used to the emotions of losing with a bit more privacy/less at stake, do you think that would help? It's a tricky age, they're quite focused on "now" aren't they ... but at the same time he cant' enjoy melting down like that so maybe he'd be open to doing some problem solving with you for ways to avoid it? DD always likes to be involved in stuff like this - I think it makes her feel more in control if we identify the problem together and talk about ways to work on it, but I know it doesn't work with all DC!

[dottydolly72]

Oh goodness I could have written this a couple of years back..! One of my autistic sons is totally focused on winning everything! To the point now where if he knows he won't win he won't play.. in all honesty try to avoid these situations because in my experience it's not worth the hassle. It's obsessive and I get the drive behind it but I just could not make him understand taking part didn't mean you had to win. 💁‍♀️ minecraft in this house has taken over... again board games are a no no because of the outcome. Pick you battles, sometimes it's just not worth the upset. c

[OneInEight]

In ds1's immortal words "It's not the competition that is the problem it's the losing". ds2 and ds1 were ultra competitive when they were little and neither could take losing particularly to each other (fun times given they were twins). Board games were particularly bad so we didn't often play as something usually got broken!!! It does get better (a bit anyway) as they get older.

We also found that their inability to lose gracefully decreased when they were stressed - so try and pick your moments to try and challenge your ds on coping with losing. Perhaps start with 1:1 short games based entirely on chance so that if he loses he knows he can have another go & build up slowly from there. In a group game there is a lot of shouting and social communication that he needs to deal with before you add on the problem of the losing element so I guess it is unsurprising some kids find these difficult. ds1 could even have a meltdown when his side was winning if he felt he was not being given enough opportunities to contribute.

For the table tennis situation could you go late to miss the warm up activity or will that cause a meltdown too? Otherwise I would be looking for an alternative group or activity that causes less problems.

[KanelbulleKing]

I took the easy road today and missed table tennis and he didn't notice. Yet.

[dottydolly72]

@KanelbulleKing was it mentioned? Nothing wrong with taking the easy route sometimes! Pick your battles, do what's right for now and hopefully as time goes on it will get easier.