Asd adhd feeling very low

[mia1972]

Hello,
I am the mum to a boy who is 7 and diagnosed last april with asd / adhd. Since we had to go through private route as we were getting nowhere with the school, we ended up with a diagnosis but not real support.
My son't main issues are to do with the autism. He is quite sociable but very unaware so he is constantly seeking other children and not really managing to either listen to them or understand them very well. You put in there a dose of adhd impulsive type and the combination is lethal.
He is currently on medication for the adhd. I was wondering if anyone has encountered this type of asd - sociable but essentially struggling. Very sensory seeking and tactile but no understanding of boundaries.
Is there any therapy / training that can / has helped. After all the OT SLT and other help we have got for him. I am feeling drained. Not sure what else I can give him that is going to help make the transition and become more aware. Or maybe he never will and end up with no friends? Thanks for listening.

[Nettleskeins]

My son was like this. What helped was establishing interests that he could share with others. So in ds's case, football stickers/matches (rather than actually playing it although he did that too, from about 9 very badly) Lego (Lego club at school as a communication pastoral group for those with social communication issues) Also soft play, outings on trains. Basically things that gave ds esteem, kept him out and about, and kept him communicating in positive way about things and ideas. We read him lots of stories too, and I'm sure that helped with modelling of conversation and thoughts and empathy. So things like Wind in Willows, David Walliams. Drama and singing and dancing also was a good outlet for his sociability.

Ds was not at all good at conversation or interaction at this age. Very dominating, interrupting wanting others to play by his rules, getting upset in playground at children not playing his way not liking him. He also had a lot of sensory issues we werent aware of, that set him off.

He is much better now, and has friends, gets out and about and is very polite and communicates beautifully, can listen, and exchange views. Doing A levels in a comp. Has empathy and understanding.

It takes time, but build up skills slowly through every day life situations and don't lose heart. The more you can share with him, the better he will be equipped to communicate with others outside the family..so 1:1 with parents helps later social skills.

Out of Synch Child Has Fun has lots of good advice. Ds gained a lot from gross motor skill situations and that helped him socialise too without too much pressure. It is hard, there will be tears (from you) many setbacks but don't lose hope.

[Nettleskeins]

We actually read thousands of books. I just cannot remember them - it is too late at night. And lots of family films and dramas together, he went from hating fictional drama and things like Dr Who to enjoying them at 11. All helps with social understanding, jokes etc.

[mia1972]

Thank you Nettleskeins. It’s very very good to hear that your son is doing so well, it gives me hope.
In terms of things to do with him, I am trying similar things, hopefully they will sink in. But I will get the ‘out of synch child has fun’ thanks for the recommendation. Yes I am reading thousands of books as well.
I was wondering is there anything you did for the sensory stuff? My son is primarily sensory seeker - in your face. I get him to do some vigorous exercise wherever possible , not sure what else i can do?
Thanks again

[Nettleskeins]

ball games 1:1
badminton in garden
swimming (he loved the lessons)

he was actually very brave

long walks with talking non stop, public transport etc

what he disliked was a walk with no point or aim, so walking for the sake of it..no.

wrestling and rolling

[BlankTimes]

Sensory ideas in here
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?v=201507131117

[marshmallowss]

Carol gray social stories. This would be a good thing to work with your child to help give him a better understanding in social situations

[MapLand]

Does your son like deep pressure? My son craves it and so he lies down, I put cushions on him and then lie on top of the cushions, he adores the weight. He tells me more or less pressure etc.

Also:
Trampoline
Bouncy band on chair legs to bang legs against whilst sitting
Wobble cushion!
Weighted lap pad (this helps my DS during a particular lesson)
Swinging from monkey bars in playground

[mia1972]

Thank you

MapLand, he loves the pressure. He can't do the money bar as not too coordinated and doesn't have upper body strength. He refuses anything at school like the wobble cushion but have not tired it at home.

marshmallows we have read that book together, maybe I need to revisit some of the stories, I also have some other ones, but it doesn't seem to sink in ...or perhaps I should say he understands the principle of it but forgets it when in the moment and wants something

[jan9876]

Hi mia

I have saw this post awhile ago and meant to reply earlier. How are you getting on with your ds? my dd sounds very similar. She recently got diagnosed with autism (previous it was adhd) and everyone seems very surprised because she is so sociable. I don't have much advice as this is all new to me. But I find managing her expectations very very difficult. She wants to do activities and meet people on playdates every single day. Even though i try to have a plan for after school if we are NOT doing anything 'exciting' she always argues her case for going to do something else. When she does see people, I find it hard to get her calmed down again to go home (she's 8!) and often the doesn't get asked back on a playdate. I don't know how much is to do with her behaviour, or how much is to do with people being busy, as everyone is so busy these days and I'm not able to hold a decent number of hours down in my job so i have more time. But i do know that she asks for things that she wants, and persists! For example if she wants to go to the park, she will ask whoever she is with, and keep asking. I know people would find this hard, i find it hard! Anyway sorry I don't have much advice, i will be looking into social stories too to help my dd become more socially aware too. If you find anything that helps please let me know!

[Nettleskeins]

Jan we had this problem that a lot of people didn't want to invite ds2 over, he was too demanding a guest (and would often get in a state when it was time to leave or if the play wasn't the way he wanted it, although v sociable and engaging in other ways) I read somewhere that you have be the house where the playdates happen, perservere as a host and make the exciting things happen at your house, and go out of your way to be a house where other children want to visit. It seems incredibly unfair when we have so much on our hands with our children and people are not so friendly or welcoming or accommodating as you think they ought to be. But that is as it is, and it does benefit your child if you pull out the stops to be a nice base for him to socialise.

Ds2 used to beg to go to other people's houses (the people who didn't invite him over) but I found if they came to his house it went a bit better and that made it more likely in the long run that he did get invited back (ie to parties and when a bit older) It did happen, he did end up socialising outside the home and he does now frequently, no trouble (I would say from age of 13 things improved on that front, but a bit before to a limited extent with kind people who were prepared to make the effort)

It is very frustrating, mostly people aren't that "kind" as you say they have busy lives and cannot fit your child in, so unfortunately or fortunately you just have to be the parent that goes that bit further. When ds2 had parties I tried to make sure they were always limited to about six or eight people so we could do activities that made him look good (treasure hunt, planting up pots, craft activities) and were a bit less overwhelming/set him off. They were always a great success on his own patch he found it a bit easier to regulate his emotions and his esteem was higher for being the host.

[mia1972]

Thank you for your comments, we definitely are the place where the playdates happens, making more effort than anybody I know. It’s exhausting but we keep going because beggars can’t be choosers basically but as he grows a bit older not sure what its going to happen or how things are going to evolve. Any further tip from children that have managed successfully social relationships would be appreciated x

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Hi. No advice I'm afraid but I'm going through the same thing with my 8yr old DD. She has ADHD and Dyspraxia and can't read social situations and is very possessive over her friends.

We are definitely the house that hosts playdates. Sometimes it's even hard to get her good friends over to play.

[Nettleskeins]

For ds2 having a shared interest helped social situations. So it could be ballet, football, fencing, film outings, a particular restaurant cafe. Because it was a very familiar setting and there was something to hang convos on, he was less anxious and found it easier to get along with others socially. For him football matches (he was a spectator) was the peg we hung socialising on, he developed friends that liked to attend same matches, to start it was just an adult going with him. He also played football in a home ed group (mixed ages v relaxed) and then they would chat a bit afterwards. something to talk about and something to do, physically, helped. Whereas a playdate can be something that needs a lot of facilitating from an adult when child is not good at free play. Singing acting and dancing were all helpful with our children to learn how to enjoy company of others. To varying degrees - I am not talking about full of stage education, just home singing or a bit of charades or Articulate etc. Occasional class, once a week for an hour?or in ds1's case three hour when he was much older (15)
I've heard from other parents that long morning sessions or after school activities can be a mistake, as child refuses to go pointblank, but an hour on sat can be fine when the rest of the day is free.

[Nettleskeins]

I think you also don't have to overdo the hosting or playdates. Once a fortnight is fine! It is very exhausting and quite depressing being the host that is not reciprocated. Which is why even just one out of school activity can be the answer instead of going to the trouble of having children over. Ds2 liked swimming lessons. Ds1 liked choir. (this is at 8 years) Our children don't need constant stimulation. That stimulation can come from doing child doing their own thing too, reading, drawing, running around, lego. It doesn't have to be constant entertainment from peers. I had a neighbour whose child found socialising difficult and tbh she drove herself to the brink constantly organising things for him when he would have better to have learnt to amuse himself doing things he liked doing!! In his case he was very interested in computer science and building things and did this at uni.

[jan9876]

hi guys, thank you for this excellent advice. I think I'm just going to have to make my house the fun house, and not over do it either.....dd is the type of child who actually does seem to need a LOT of stimulation, but sometimes me taking her to activities is better than the stress of having to interact socially as well. For example, yesterday after school i took her ice skating and she had a brilliant time, it was just her and I and she was very happy. Once more people are added on she doesn't want the part to stop, and can have melt downs as she asks can they come back to ours after, or can she go to theirs, or can we all go somewhere else lol. Trying to keep things simple is a good idea. She also does a club that her friend goes to and they have a great time, but after wards wants to do something else. We are now in the routine of going straight home and it's working now, but we are having a christmas play date after the next one, and I'm just waiting for the requests to start every week again for us to have a playdate afterwards!! How are you all getting on? If anything like me Christmas is getting closer and mine is very excitable!

[Bigcitylights]

I totally get wanting to make your house the ‘fun house’ and I have tried really hard at this over the past year.
My HFA son is now nearly five so a little bit younger. But things that have worked for us (and we have had some play date disasters along the way, usually to do with him not being able to handle sharing), have been giving them activities that can be done together like the sand pit, water table, balloons that can be used for ‘fishing’ or sword-fighting, train tracks or building toys. They also really like it if I draw the curtains, turn off the light and give them torches to much about with. If it feels like play is falling a bit flat I might need to play the role of Monster/witch/wolf etc and chase them about a bit
I sometimes put out out play tents and try to make the environment as fun and inviting as possible. Good snacks would probably also be a good one. I can’t really measure how much this has impacted my son’s social skills but I do know that he has made some really big improvements over the past year. He still needs prompting not to get distracted especially at someone else’s house with all the new toys but he has certainly got better at keeping on track with other kids’ ideas and building on their ideas to make more of a game.
I would love to know if anyone else has any tips for how they encourage their kid’s social skills. It feels like it is such a huge thing and there is so much for them to learn, it I also think it will be worth it.

[Aymd]

Ompletely off tangent - and sorry this is nothing to do with the social ability or play date side of adhd and autism. My son is very similar to what you describe and I'm reading the book 'gut and psychology syndrome' by Dr Natasha Campbell Mcbride. It's about the link between diet and adhd and autism. I've done a lot of research and there seems to be a significant and notable link between symptoms and diet. So much so that I'm taking him to see a nutritional therapist in the new year. It might help - sorry not with your original post though.

[jan9876]

mia how are you getting on? bigcity that all sounds really positive. i find my dd gets on better with children that are a bit older and more mellow than she, but I guess that's because they give in to her. She has a few friends that are also strong willed, and they play dates are only JUST starting to get better (8 years old) she is starting to share now without a melt down. In earlier years I found playdates with children her own age a nightmare tbh. I still find it hard as she gets over excited and wants to do everything and can't calm down. I have to make sure they do lots of calming activities such as drawing in between more excitable ones. Our school is starting a lego club in the new year for kids with SN and it is designed to help them work as a team, share, and develop social skills. i think this sounds excellent and really hope it helps dd.
Aymd i hope it goes well with the nutritionist. I am sad reading that as I can't get any thing decent at all into dd. not one fruit or vegetable! I've tried everything. she takes multivitamins though but I'm at my wits end with her eating.