I have two children: DD(8) and DS(4).
My son has been on the waiting list for an ASD assessment since February and I know he will get a diagnosis. He’s high functioning, quite social, speech delayed (but improving) and hyperlexic. I’ve made my peace with it all, although I’ve spent the last two years in turmoil wondering “is he, isn’t he?” I’m sure lots of you know how that feels.
I’ve also made peace with the fact that I am not NT at all. Again, it’s something I’ve known for years, taken various online tests and been appalled at the result - “I’m not on the spectrum, I’m just nerdy/introverted/anxious/socially awkward/struggle with eye contact” etc. I used to think that maybe we were too quick to pathologise normal personality traits. But much more recently the penny finally dropped and I realised that it would explain SO MUCH if I was on the spectrum. It explains everything. And since realising that, it’s been quite a relief. Haven’t done anything about it, but that’s by the by.
Now onto my daughter. Call me anxious (you’d be right) but I’ve had niggles about her for a long time. Now her brother is on the autism pathway, I’m thinking again that maybe she isn’t NT either.
One thing that consistently concerns me is her inability to occupy herself. Since her first term in Reception (she’s just started year 3) her teacher flagged up that she couldn’t do free play. She’d just wander around aimlessly and wouldn’t get stuck into anything. Preschool had said similar. If an adult gave her 1-1 attention she’d happily get stuck into something, but left to her own devices, she’d do nothing. Three years later, not much has changed - left to her own devices, she’d spend all her time slumped in front of the TV. She has shelves and cupboards full of toys that never get played with. And I mean never. I have taken all manner of things to the charity shop and she’s never noticed (and before someone suggests is, yes she’s horribly spoiled by her grandparents - but this is more than about being spoiled). Each birthday/Christmas I’ll buy something and think to myself “This is the one! This is the thing she’s going to actually want to play with!” but no. She’ll happily play with it with an adult (whatever it is: a puzzle game, a jigsaw, a coding set, an arts & crafts set) but she has no desire to get anything out and entertain herself, ever.
I have never known a child like it. I get so frustrated with her sometimes, I’ll say “Right, TV off, time to go upstairs and find something to do, please!” and she’ll dissolve into self piteous tears almost straight away and tell me she doesn’t know what to play with. I’ll reel off all manner of suggestions (what about your Aquabeads, what about that puzzle game?) but once the self pity sets in, she won’t snap out of it. I mean, who has to force a child, sobbing, to get a toy out and play with it?
She’s never played with dolls or character figures or Playmobil/Duplo/Lego. Tried it... nope.
I read somewhere that an inability to play or occupy oneself is indicative of a lack of focus? So I went down the inattentive ADHD road (which, incidentally, I also score highly for ) and quite a lot rings true, I think.
She is so easily distracted. She’ll be getting changed out of her school uniform and after ten minutes she’s only half unbuttoned her cardigan. Or she’ll be wandering around half undressed for ages and I’ll remind her to finish the job. This evening she came downstairs for dinner, made it six feet away from the dining table and then got engrossed in her tablet and forgot why she was downstairs. There’s no point asking her to “get dressed, wash your face and clean your teeth” because she’ll never remember to do all three.
Massive food issues. Very small number of “safe” meals (the usual beige crap - although that doesn’t even include potatoes or most forms of bread) and extreme anxiety/tears over the mere suggestion of trying something new. I don’t bother now.
Potty training was also hell, and once we’d broken her stubborn resolve not to engage with the process (she was 3.10) we’d have to take her and the potty to all manner of (sometimes quite public) areas because she was so terrified of hand driers she wouldn’t set foot in a public toilet. On one memorable occasion we had her sitting on a potty in a busy corridor leading to the toilets at Westfield (oh the shame). Also, once, a Pizza Express car park.
I really feel like I need to take this somewhere but I don’t know who to take it to. She’s extremely bright and so school have never had any concerns, apart from that initial feedback in Reception. She much preferred the structure of Year One onwards.
I just can’t get away from this worry that there’s something going on and I’m failing her by not pursuing it, just because she’s bright and doing well at school. Who do I talk to?
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.
SN children
When you have one non-NT child and you have doubts about the other?
Haworthia · 11/09/2019 23:41
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