I'm struggling to keep myself on an even keel

[Daphnesmate]

I am struggling because dd2 (5)has some issues, behavioural at the very least, though I suspect it could be something more. We are awaiting an assessment as things came to a bit of a head after parents evening.
DD doesn't seem to tick all the boxes for any one condition. She is defiant (but this has improved with the use of certain techniques), throws a tantrum/loses her temper if things don't go her way (often when she is tired but more so that other children her age, I believe) prone to fly off the handle. School work, she is coping with (if anything she is quite bright and switched on) though she doesn't always focus on the task at hand. But the big area that she is struggling with is social interaction with children of her own age. She is fantastic with both younger and older children/has a very caring side. The latest thing is she has become quite possessive of one particular friend and is often quite abrupt with children, so that a few parents have complained about her to her teacher.

The teacher is keeping a diary now (as of this week) of all these interrelationship difficulties and promises to keep me informed. We haven't told her teacher about the assessment yet (organising privately) as we want to explore her own take on things. This diary thing is stressing me out. Basically, if there has been an incident she wants to talk to me, today yep, I was called in to discuss stuff.

I have two other children and dd2 is taking up the time spent on the other two together if that makes sense. It's as if I have to explain to her strategies, things to say if for example she doesn't want to play with someone, trying to get her to play with more friends and trying to limit the amount of tantrums she has (I think this last one is working quite well).

Everyday, it's like I wake up with dread: what's going to happen, what report am I going to get today from the teacher/who is going to complain next and I am struggling to cope with it, with listening to the next instalment. My eldest dd has none of this issues really, although several adhd traits, it's never become blindingly obvious and she has excelled academically and has a nice group of friends.

When I turn up at school, I present a cool veneer, like really all is well(all except one mum who I get on with well with there, knows the true picture) when underneath I feel a mess but determined not to let it show. I did tell dds teacher that I found it stressful to be given these kinds of reports. I suppose by drilling down on the contents of each incident, it helps to work through them (or at least try) with dd but I cannot believe how exhausting this is with two other dcs, including one very young. I will keep going and plugging away at it, I want dd to be the best she can - happy, confident etc. but everything is fuzzy at the moment, I suppose until an assessment. It is affecting my own mental health - I am constantly stressed/on edge and worried that my mood might become low if this situation is prolonged. Feel so isolated, like I am the only one going through this. Knowing that dd is struggling makes me feel sad.

[Daphnesmate]

I feel like I'm mum but also amateur psychologist, I have to work double time at parenting and explaining things to dd that I might expect to come intuitively to her...maybe I'm expecting too much of a dc her age. I fear she will be scapegoated and never recover, that parents will encourage their dc to avoid her etc.

[Legofriday]

God, I remember that awful feeling at the pit of my stomach every day going to nursery (pre prep) pick up. I resolved it by taking dd out of that shithole!

Start from the premise that dd isn't wrong, the environment is. Why are school doing the diary? To what end? Are they getting an educational psychologist in? If they're just expecting a written accumulation of her "misdeeds" to help her, then that's useless harmful bullshit. If they're going to examine what circumstances led to the difficulty and remedy that, eg unstructured playtimes are hard for your dd, so school could get a teacher to organise games, offer library time, lunch clubs etc etc - then that's good. It doesn't sound that positive from what you've said. If it makes you feel bad, presumably dd feels under seige too? That will make things worse.

Is it a state school? And are you discussing with them whether dd might not be neurotypical?

[Daphnesmate]

Not discussing whether dd is NT at this stage. I am bringing a private psychologist in, but I also want to see what strategies the school can come up with. Hopefully, they are using the diary to drill down on what the 'actual' issues are, so that between us we can put strategies in place the problem is, it is me that is coming up with all the strategies at the moment and that is rubbish. The teacher comes across as a bit wet to be honest.

[Daphnesmate]

Teacher appears just to be lecturing the dcs to be kind and so on and isn't coming up with any strategies tailored to dd. It was only because we said we wanted to speak to her that she has pulled her finger out and started writing in her notebook. Wonder what delights await me later, it's rubbish, it isn't like a normal school run, quite frankly, I can't wait until the Easter holidays begin.