ADHD and showering

[StarsShineBrightly]

How to get DD, 9, to shower after swimming without massive row. I need some new ideas does anyone have any?

We have tried:

Rewards
Removing things e.g. toys, anything she currently likes, all returned after she's showered or next day.
Giving her a time frame to do it in and then reward of her choice. E.g game, reading, anything except screen time.
Asking her how she wants to do it - we don't get beyond don't want to or she will just walk off mid discussion, it demand a screen, which i don't want to give before bed time.

We've got angry, stayed jolly...

Different things work, nothing consistently works. We try things for a while before trying something new.

We can't just leave it, she also has a soiling problem and regularly stinks of poo, this is when we insist. We explain why, she says she doesn't care.

Tonight i was kicked when i went to take something out of her room. The thing that worked tonight was the threat of not doing her activity after school tomorrow, and that's only because it's a new activity.

She has called me a bitch, says she hates me. Now she's showered, she's being lovely and sweet and written me a letter to say sorry.

This isn't new, this is all the time, with practically every boundary that we try to enforce. We are shattered and I just want to cry.

Any ideas gratefully received

[MumUnderTheMoon]

How do you word the instructions about showering? Is it a question or a statement eg can you get in the shower please? vs it's time to get in the shower now. Some kids become anxious when presented with options and the first question implies there is an option not to shower. Whereas, the second statement is a fact and can't be argued with and doesn't provide the child with any options.

[grasspigeons]

would she prefer a bath?

[WeaselsRising]

No answers but sympathy. I have an 11 yo with ADHD and exactly the same problem. She also has the soiling issue, but doesn't care that she smells. Now we also have the BO and greasy hair, and still she refuses.

She will shower with me which was hilarious, but not something I want to do often. She will also go in the bath, but only if I stay with her, which is much less traumatic.

[WrongKindOfFace]

Can she not shower at swimming? A gap between swimming and showering might mean she finds it hard to get back into the idea of getting undressed again etc.

If she likes to feel in control have you tried giving her a choice - do you want to shower now or in five minutes? You could offer watching a programme on a tablet whilst showering if she’s willing to shower early in the evening?

You’re not alone though, nine year olds are frequently vile, stinky creatures who are reluctant to wash.

[StarsShineBrightly]

Hmm, good point. Thanks.

I think we alternate between the two without realising. Possibly she thinks she has a choice and then is annoyed when realising she doesn't.

I think I try to be more statementy, but DH is probably more of a question/ offering choice. He says i don't ask, but make demands, so maybe I've tried to do more questions but that may have back fired?

[StarsShineBrightly]

I'm clearly a slow typer.

She doesn't prefer baths, but has the option if she wanted.

Can't shower at swimming, school pool and not great facilities for showering and mil does the swimming and i pick up at the end.

Thanks for the sympathy! Although not looking forward to BO and greasy hair battles too!!

[WrongKindOfFace]

Could she get bundled into a onesie after swimming them straight into the shower when home? Might be less of a transition as she’s then not properly dressed.

[grasspigeons]

social stories
now and next visual time table type thing
can she hold the shower head so she can direct the spray and have a bit more control
sorry - I do feel for you. I don't imagine there is a quick answer.

[StarsShineBrightly]

Thanks, I'll look up social stories, heard of them but not tried them.

She ripped up the visual timetable i did, rubbed out the one on the white board!

She can move the shower about if she wants.

[grasspigeons]

yes our timetables get ripped up or rubbed out as well but I guess they must work for someone as they get mentioned a lot by professionals.

[StarsShineBrightly]

Glad it's not just us, but you have my sympathies too grass

[Epiphany52]

Maybe this is a helpful article blockedtobrilliant.com/your-adhd-child-has-poor-hygiene/

[MumUnderTheMoon]

He says I don't ask but make demands
When dealing with a child with a developmental condition giving direct instructions with no wiggle room is often the best thing. Giving options can cause genuine distress. You both need to be on the same page if she sees any way out of showering she is going to take it. You may find that dealing only in simple instructions improves things for her overall.