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Guilt over not having a third child?

9 replies

JKCR2017 · 29/11/2018 08:15

Hi all, I have DS who is 7 has asd and would of been quite happy being an only child forever and I have DD who is 3 who is severely speech delayed, hypermobile and has low muscle tone which affects her gross motor skills but is not believed to be ok the spectrum. Despite her speech delay she is really sociable and enjoys the company of other children.

DS isn’t really interested in playing without DD. He is constantly picking on her and making her cry. It’s draining the life out of me. Despite this DD really loves and cares for her brother very much. But he lacks interest in her.

We always planned to only have DC, even more so after DS’s diagnosis. But I can’t help feel guilty for DD that we didn’t have another baby closer in age to her for company. Does anyone feel like this? But then there was also a risk of another baby having asd. Of course this wouldn’t be the end of the world. But my two already keep me on my toes and I’m constantly shattered!!

DD goes to pre school. I try and take her to soft play etc as much as possible and get it and about with her.

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BlackeyedGruesome · 29/11/2018 17:24

I wanted a third child. thank fuck we didn't dd did not appear to have problems, nor did ds when we would have had a third. throwing a third in the mix would have been a nightmare.

oh, and don't bet on her not having autism. she might not, but dd's only became apparent as she got older and her peers accelerated away from her.

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JKCR2017 · 30/11/2018 09:26

Thank you. I do worry ahout DD. DS’s autism wasn’t obvious whereas I do worry she could be on the spectrum (and I believe I am too) 😩

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SaltPans · 30/11/2018 10:54

I knew someone, who ended up with 4 children with SEN, because the first was not diagnosed until she had had them all!

This is only my personal opinion, but having two children with SEN myself, I would not risk a 3rd child with SEN - seeing as these things can clearly run in the family! There can be so much paperwork, meetings, appointments, etc with one child with SEN.....

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Firstworddinosaur · 02/12/2018 18:32

Your DD will get lot's of companionship with her peers as she goes through school and you might even find your DS warms to her more as she gets older. Certainly don't feel guilty!

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KateGrey · 02/12/2018 18:36

We had our third child before DS was diagnosed. It was a rough pregnancy and we weren’t as knowledgeable around Sen as we are now. My youngest also has autism. We decided not to have anymore because we didn’t feel able to cope if our 4th also had special needs. Without sounding awful I wish we’d not run the risk with a 3rd. And I wouldn’t have. I love my children but it’s hard and hard for my only Nt child.

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Allthewaves · 02/12/2018 19:24

We have 3 with additional needs. We knew ds1 probably had adhd when we had ds2 but husband has adhd so we knew what was in-store. ds2 seemed fine - thought we were plain sailing when we had ds3 when ds2 was 2. However by time ds2 was 2.5 his severe speech disorder become apparent which then followed by asd diagnosis. Now ds3 is probably asd and adhd. It's nearly broke me tbh especially with school problems

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SpringerLink · 03/12/2018 21:11

I would feel guilty about not having a 3rd DC. I’m another parent who it’s pretty much broken. DS’s needs weren’t that apparent when we had DD (2nd child) then another DD (3rd child).

Now I’m so stretched that I can’t give each child enough attention. DD1 is gifted and it’s hard to keep her occupied and getting school to meet her needs (lovely needs, but needs all the same). DS (the oldest child) has ASD and is challenging. DD2 (the youngest) probably also has ASD and is gifted.

I’m always feeling guilty that I don’t fully meet anyone’s needs. I don’t even get close to meeting my needs, and it’s put huge strain on my marriage.

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SpringerLink · 03/12/2018 21:26

That should have said would NOT feel guilty. I feel guilty that I did.

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Lunafreya · 04/12/2018 20:44

I have a 7yo DD diagnosed last year, and a 3yo DS who is 2 days away from a diagnosis, he's also presenting more severely than DD. Nothing genetic has been found in our case, however, I know that these tests don't have all the answers.

I wouldn't like to have a 3rd child in the mix right now, as I don't feel it would be fair to anyone. I do understand how you feel about your DC's interaction, my two generally aren't interested in each other, though DD has friends at school, and DS is being supported to make relationships at nursery.

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