Dad not coping!

[meandermum]

Bit of background.

My wee boy is nearly 5 and I've always struggled with him, especially when compared to his twin sister who is flying ahead for her age, and felt something wasn't right. His nursery is amazing and have always listened to my concerns, but he always got better through term but would go back the way over holidays etc.

Finally admitted I was really worried about him starting school next year and his teachers agreed. I couldn't fault how quickly everything happened. The next day we had a referral form sent along with my 2 page list of concerns, and within 2 weeks I had a meeting with the early years team, who also came to see me at home and observe him at nursery, and an appointment through to see the pead 2 weeks after that. Who shares my concerns and has put him forward for ASD assessment. Also it was agreed at the school meeting that he would benefit from a provision to ease him into school and early years also want me to do a dla claim in the hope of getting a blue badge as getting him in and out the car when he doesn't want to, or I've not gone where he expected can be a nightmare.

So I'm thrilled. I feel justified that I'm not just a crap parent and relieved he is getting the support he needs.

My partner on the other hand has it in his head that he has a adhd needs a course of Ritalin and a firm telling. He isn't accepting the asd part at all. And fighting me everystep of the way.

He told the pead who's been seeing kids like our boy for 30 years that she's just fobbing us off.

He says it's criminal to do a dla because he's not disabled.

He doesn't want him diagnosed because of the legal implications of the mental health act. He's job means he sees the worst of the legal system, and therefore made him really negative.

He doesn't want him to attend the provision as he sees it as him being segregated from his peers and worried about him being stigmatised and bullies by his peers.

Yet when our son kicks off he is the first to say "I can't deal with that" and storms off!!

His mums a bit better but I don't think she's convinced on the ASD front either and although open to the provision etc, she is firmly in the adhd camp. Which I'm not saying isn't a possibility but I believe the ASD is one too!

I just feel so backed into a corner when I thought I was finally getting somewhere! Will it ever get any better?!

Thanks for reading the saga! Xx

[BlankTimes]

Wow, the amount of help you are already getting and the speed that things are happening is absolutely fantastic.

Could you get his Dad to go on a parenting course with you, one run for parents of kids with ASD etc?
He'd soon learn that a "firm telling" is useless if your son has ASD or ADHD or several other conditions. Impulsivity and being very active are seen in other conditions as well as ADHD.

Definition of Disability is here www.gov.uk/definition-of-disability-under-equality-act-2010

He doesn't want him diagnosed because of the legal implications of the mental health act
I don't understand his objection to diagnosis on these grounds, Autism is not a mental health condition.
He's job means he sees the worst of the legal system, and therefore made him really negative
He needs to read stats about how many young offenders have got to teens and beyond as undiagnosed with different conditions like ASD, ADHD etc. never 'fitted in' to any peer groups and turned to crime.
If they had had the support your son's being offered, had their needs recognised and met, their lives may well have been very, very different.

I've been reading these boards for quite few years and it's very common to see fathers absolutely refusing to believe their kids could have any condition that would need a bit of help at school.
It's often the case that these fathers are very black and white thinkers and many of them could have autistic traits or be on the spectrum themselves and have managed through life without diagnosis because they had no learning disability alongside it, yet have been seen as 'quirky' or 'odd' at best.

IF your son has ASD, he was born with it and will always have it, whether he's diagnosed or not. A diagnosis cannot "give" him ASD.

Some kids only have an ASD dx, many have several diagnoses. I believe ADHD is not NHS diagnosed in England until a child is at least 7, may even be 9.

Have a look at this thread, it's by someone else with an oppositional OH. You are not alone.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3416086-What-is-the-law-re-assessment-where-one-parent-supports-and-the-other-doesnt?msgid=82397833

[ScottishMummy12]

Your partner is probably reacting like that because he is scared and worried. It was exactly how I felt when I was told my dd should get assessed for asd. She was 4 when it was first suggested, I thought and still think she has adhd as well as Asd.
The only reason I let my dd be assessed was because it was about her and not about how I felt, you can have nothing to lose by having him assessed but everything could be much harder for your ds if he does have asd and doesn’t have support in place. My dd had a terrible time when she first started school and for half of the first year as we had no diagnosis and is now doing great with the right support. My dd is now 6 and is now getting assessed for adhd.

[Fairylea]

I think all you can do is keep pushing for the asd diagnosis and provide your useless partner and his mum with information about autism. If and when your child receives his asd diagnosis they will have to accept it and bloody well get on with it, otherwise you’ll have to leave your partner and limit contact. Harsh but true and I would tell him this. I really don’t have time for people like him and his mum - we don’t see my in laws for similar reasons.