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Hubby and parents thinkmi am parenting autistic son wrong(9 Posts)
A slight bit of background I have an autistic son of 11 and an elder dd. I am basically a single parent as hubby not interested and does nothing to help and grand parents have a really good child free life now. I really have to beg for help from either party parents say hubby should do more hubby says my parents need to stop putting themselves first and help me with the children. Anyway we all spent a day together very very very rare but when my son had a meltdown there way of dealing with it is to use derogatory language "pathetic, baby and wimp". Basically I am too soft on him and have to come down on him like a tonne of bricks. None of them believe in autism and think my softly softly approach has made him the way he is. I thought I was very tune with his needs but now I think it is my fault but am so completely totally exhausted from doing everything on my own that I have created his behaviour. I have never had a day off and never will as they are all wrapped up in their own lives. They detest one of the obsessions he has and says I pander to it and rule everything round it. I need to get tough and when I start getting tough then they will help more. Please help is it me or all three of them being unreasonable. I feel like they are all ganging up on me.
Anyone who spoke that way about my son wouldn’t be seeing him again. Seriously. I would cut contact. It’s damaging you and your son to keep contact with these people.
You must have faith in your abilities as a parent - you have raised your child with minimal input and they have autism. That alone isn’t an easy task for anyone. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad.
Even if they are right and you could be firmer with your dc their attitudes and choice of words aren't helpful and can be damaging. Does your husband really do nothing for your kids, if so that can't be a very nice atmosphere for any of you. Could your sons behaviour be anxiety driven if so a tense home life can't help and then leaves you feeling upset too. You aren't in the wrong here, do you really believe that if you were tougher on him all of a sudden they would be flocking to help? If they can't accept who he is and be constructive then all you can do is adjust your expectations, your doing this alone and that is unfair but you can do it. Does your son have a social worker? They can put you in touch with support networks, behaviour nurses, respite etc.
Tell them to contact the National Autistic Society and let them know they've found a revolutionary new treatment for autistic behaviour and would like to share their acumen and insight. (sarcasm emoticon)
What absolute fools they are and bullies too. Most people can be educated about autism, some unfortunately are too thick, stupid and pathetic to even take on board simple parenting strategies for autistic children.
Cut their contact with your son, he doesn't deserve to be treated like that and neither do you. He's 11, he needs support, how's school, are they helping or do the other kids have a go at him in the same way your husband and ILs do? The exact words you used were used by other kids to my dd when she was in primary school. It's bullying.
ignorant, denialist, thick as two short planks attitude is unfortunately a very common occurrence in families, friendship groups and even worse, some professionals.
The only way you are going to make them see how autism affects your son and to understand that autistic people are "wired differently" is for someone in authority to explain it to them. That would probably have to be a man
Oh this made me feel so sad for you and your son. It must be really hard on you.
My son is 7 and has autism. My parents try to do understand but they don’t really understand. My in laws don’t really think there’s a problem and DS’s father’s family don’t believe aitism exists so I can partly understand how you feel. I am lucky to have a supportive partner though.
You’re doing a fab job. It sounds like you have so much love and patience for your son.
The fact they call him a wimp, pathetic etc proves that they are in the wrong. Making you feel like it’s you in the wrong by being too soft, yet they call him these things? 🤔
Don’t let them make you feel like you’re doing a terrible job.
I would be having some serious chats with the husband though. He needs to help out more.
I am sorry I couldn’t be much more help but I just wanted to say you’re doing a fab job by he sounds of it!
Also, I would like to add.. if they were to spend a whole day with your son without you around I am certain they would believe in autism.
As others have said: what you have described is really thoughtless, unpleasant and bullying behaviour. Of course they would not suddenly step up if you got tough.
It's really hard for you because it you start doubting yourself and lose your parenting 'compass'. Easier said than done, but try to hold firm, you have obviously been very strong up to now.
Forget your parents for now - your husband is the one needing a reality check here.
Presuming he's the father (and even if he isn't!) he needs to pull his finger out and give you emotional support and practical help. You, or someone with a bit of insight- eg local NAS? - needs to spell out what autism is and why DS behaves as he does. Also the effect on you.
It's possible I suppose that he's also somewhere on the autistic spectrum so may not be able to empathise as much. That isn't his get out of jail card though. He needs to step up.