Ds 4 year old won't accept he is going to start school in September.

(24 Posts)
Aspieparent Wed 02-May-18 13:41:41

My ds4 who has sn which is undiagnosed at the moment but is waiting on panel for a asd diagnosis.
He is a very anxious little boy who hates to step foot out of the house. He currently attends nursery but doesn't like going as it means leaving the house. Even with things that he likes to do if it involves leaving the house he doesn't want to do it. We had to go to Specsavers yesterday to pick his glasses up and he spent the whole time telling is how worried he was being out because of the people, noise basicly everything.
He starts school September and very soon he will start woth having school visit him in nursery and he's likely to be visiting school too. So we have been trying to discuss with him about going to school but he won't have it. He's addiment he will not be going to school and won't actually discuss anything further we just get no no no I am not going to school I am staying at home. Does any one have any advice on how we can try help him? TIA

OP’s posts: |
Ellie56 Wed 02-May-18 16:10:51

I found spelling things out to my son beforehand helped. Before you actually go out of the house, tell him exactly what will be happening and that afterwards he will be coming back home.

So for example "Today we are going to to Specsavers to get your new glasses. When we get to Specsavers you will try your new glasses on to make sure they fit properly. After that we will come back home."

It may be that your son is not ready for school yet. Have you considered deferring for a term or until he is 5 and keeping him at nursery until then?

Aspieparent Wed 02-May-18 16:38:17

I have thought about it but he turns 5 in octorber so deferring himbwould only be till january. He isn't ready for school no where near ready for school. I have asked advice and about deferring and everyone thinks it would be a bad idea as he would then be the only one starting. Also not sure they would allow it as EP said in her report he needs to be with children more socialably able than him so he can copy them.
I do try spell it out but I must admit sometimes I forget and maybe don't spell enough put iykwim. I will get into a routine where I spell everything out.

OP’s posts: |
Sirzy Wed 02-May-18 17:08:30

When ds started school they gave us photos of everything and everyone to help him know what to expect.

We also did the first visit after school so with no other children around.

We were lucky that he went to the attached nursery so they could take him over and do a lot of transition work.

When he started can you look at a phased entry? Build it up gradually.

Aspieparent Wed 02-May-18 17:16:10

I am going to ask nursery when school contact them of we maybe could sort out a social story but one with actually pictures of school his classroom his teachers. I have tried a generic social story but hes not interested am hoping something more personal will help.

Phased entry could help I will ask if it's possible.

OP’s posts: |
Sirzy Wed 02-May-18 17:25:41

Yes actual pictures make a massive difference. When ds moved from year 2 up to year 3 he went up and took the photos himself.

It may be worth discussing him starting slightly later than the others Too simply so they have a chance to settle and things are a bit less chaotic?

Aspieparent Wed 02-May-18 17:33:33

That's another good idea. It's going to be very chaotic to begin with the school have a 2 class intake of 30 children per class.
I personal don't feel it's the right school but have visited every school in the area and none felt right. Don't know if am just being silly though.
Thank you btw.

OP’s posts: |
Ellie56 Wed 02-May-18 19:39:36

Why don't the schools feel right OP?

Aspieparent Wed 02-May-18 19:58:03

When we visted we had alot of hmm are you sure mainstreams right for him and we would do are best but. He's also in nappies full time too and is drilling showing zero signs of control or being any where near ready which they constantly said they would struggle to have staff to change him.

OP’s posts: |
Aspieparent Wed 02-May-18 19:58:41

Drilling is ment to be still sorry.

OP’s posts: |
Sirzy Wed 02-May-18 20:12:25

Does he have an EHCP? If not I would look into applying for one

Aspieparent Wed 02-May-18 20:23:07

No I have spent the last 8 months trying to get one. L.A. won't do one took it to tribunal who basicly said not enough evidence yet he won't cope with mainstream so doesn't need an EHCP although the tribunal did say that what my son receives in regards to his inclusion support and addtional funding at nursery is specialist provision but can't see any evidence he will need this at school yet. Up until applying for EHCP we was being told he would need one to one support at least at school and how difficult nursery was finding it with him yet once EP was brought in that all chnaged. It turned into his anxious because his mums negative about him and that there's not really any issues with him yet he's still tracks in the 16-26 months and 22- 36 months even though he's 5 in octorber. EP actually said she believed his tracking is all wrong and he should be in the 30-50 months and 40-60 months category. We even changed nursery in kanuary due to the old nursery not keeping notes and refusing to communicate with us and the new nursery have done his tracking a freash for themselves and he's still tracking in the 16-26 months and 22-36 months areas.

Sorry That turned into a bit of a rant.

OP’s posts: |
Ellie56 Wed 02-May-18 20:23:30

Have you asked the nursery if they think mainstream is right for him?

Maybe you should look at some special schools and as PP said consider applying for an EHCP.

Sirzy Wed 02-May-18 20:29:32

Rant away, all too often things have to reach crisis point before the support is there when it’s often too little too late.

Aspieparent Wed 02-May-18 20:41:48

His new nursery are sympathetic to us and can see his issue they have to me they are with me 100% and now trying to help me get things in place for mainstream like asking the doctor for a health care plan for his toileting need so mainstream have to deal with it and not phone me to go all the time as that wouldn't help his separation anxiety. They won't see what they think he will need but said exactly what you said that it has to get to crisis point before they will do anything. His inclusion teacher says he has strength he can use and will be able to cope it's not all bad.
It really upset me the way the judge actually said that there were meaningful and purposeful measures being used for my sons deficits that nursery have identified. I just think to refer to it as deficits is so horrible and cold.

OP’s posts: |
Sausagepickle123 Wed 02-May-18 21:17:22

Hi - do you think it is perhaps too far away for him to envisage? my “nt” child refused to entertain the prospect of school (screamed whenever we mentioned it for months). What helped was just not talking about it until nearer the time because we realised he had little concept of something happening in 4 months time. Difficult with the visits etc but might it help to try preparing him nearer the time. So with my asd child we just started talking about it a couple of weeks before and watching tv shows about going to school, social stories etc.
Good luck - I didn’t sleep for 6 months before my asd child started school and despite initial negativity, once he was actually in the school they’ve tried hard with him and he’s very happy.

Aspieparent Wed 02-May-18 21:34:46

It possibly is to far away. They are talking about it and getting school ready in nursery they started after Easter holodays. To be honest they started school readiness in January before I pulled him out in his old nursery so it's something that was introduced to him along time ago. That's possibly why we get the reaction we do. I am trying to get the right timing I don't want to leave it to late as if he's not well prepared he won't handle it. Also don't want to know be supportive around the visits and things that will happen.

OP’s posts: |
getoutofthebath Thu 03-May-18 12:34:11

If he struggles you can do a phased start with him where he goes in for one hour a day, then gradually increases. A friend has a DS with v similar issues to your son and this worked for them.

youarenotkiddingme Thu 10-May-18 20:58:28

Some children need something to finish before they can move onto the next thing.

It may be he'll engage more and better once nursery finishes (Eg he's left) and during the summer holidays when he will start somewhere new afterwards.

But yes, personal social story is the best way over a generic one or a general getting ready for school en made approach.

youarenotkiddingme Thu 10-May-18 20:59:06

Should add that was what my son was like - he wouldn't entertain moving to school until nursery had finished 😂😂

Aspieparent Thu 10-May-18 21:15:45

Hopefully he will entertain it more during the summer holidays. Tbh he's never accepted nursery he's been there since octorber 2016 haha. He just hates leaving the house so everything begins in a negative no matter how good I make it.

OP’s posts: |
youarenotkiddingme Thu 10-May-18 22:43:17

Itsvthe age old it's only how good we think we make it - against how good it actually is for them.

Finding something motivating for him he can get as a reward on arrival could help. Even if it means introducing it. Same for school.

Not easy but when you find that 'thing' it does help ime

Didiplanthis Sun 13-May-18 21:11:19

My ds was incredibly anxious about starting school. His big sister was already there but he refused to even go past the reception door. The term before he started we read a book just next to it, then he would run past it. Eventually I carried him in screaming and once in he would play games with me. We agreed I could get to nursery late to build on this (not same school ) and I took photos of his classroom that they put up at nursery for him to tell them about and talk about. It took a very long time but it massively helped when he started. I don't know if you might be able to arrange something similar ?

Aspieparent Sun 13-May-18 22:32:10

I am hoping we can sort something out. He currently goes to the same nursery and is in the same room as his younger brother that helps him i still have tonspend some time settling him and he uses a blanket and teddy to comfort if he's really struggling. He's got 4 visits planned first i stay with him then they want him to stay without me it took us 2 and half week of 8 sessions at nursery slowly moving me away o was there for 3 sessions then in staff room for 2 session then he stay for 20 minutes alone then 2 one hour sessions before he started the 3 hour sessions. He's just about handles the 3 3 hour sessions a week but constantly says he's to ill to go. He has nursery tomorrow and has spent this evening trying to convince me he's getting ill. I have been told to ignore the fact he says he doesn't want to go school and use the fact his younger brother wants to go and can't but he can but I refuse to do this. I did suggest the more personalised social story but was told well we could but you really need to ignore the fact he doesn't want to go and make it sound really exciting which i have been doing already.

OP’s posts: |

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in