Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

1 2

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

SN children

Unusual situation

26 replies

hibbledibble · 21/04/2018 22:31

I know often parents if children with sn complain that there child is socially excluded due to those needs.

We have a bit of a reverse situation where my nt child is friends with a sn child. The children get along well and play well together, when they have an opportunity.

The difficulty is that I find that the mother of this child keeps on turning down playdates, due to her DC's sn.

The reasons are varied. She has said it's due to a phobia, to do with something in our home. I then suggest another location, and then there is another reason. We are happy to go to their house, but haven't been invited.

I'm deliberately vague as to some of the the details, in case the mother is on this forum.

Any tips in order to facilitate the friendship? Or should I just accept that the mother is not interested in maintaining?

It is sad that this dc is being held back from a friendship due to her sn.

OP posts:

Report

zzzzz · 21/04/2018 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hibbledibble · 22/04/2018 08:37

They don't go to the same school.

OP posts:

Report

zzzzz · 22/04/2018 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hibbledibble · 22/04/2018 09:51

I'm not sure why you are giving such terse replies. They know each other as we live locally to each other. Other than playdates there are no other opportunities for interaction, as they go to different schools, and do not do any extra curricular activities together (their child does not do any)

OP posts:

Report

Bekabeech · 22/04/2018 10:05

Maybe she just doesn't want her child playing with yours?

You can't force someone to accept play dates. Just remain friendly and it might change. But then again it might not.
I had a mum of an NT child back out of play dates for all kinds of reasons - it turned out she had a drink problem I learnt via gossip. Not saying that is your reason, but sometimes there are religious or other reasons why people turn down play dates (or even the mother finds you boring) or she has had too many play dates turn dbad. Or suspects your motives.

Report

zzzzz · 22/04/2018 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz · 22/04/2018 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twofigsnotgiven · 22/04/2018 10:27

Play dates involving children with SN can be extremely difficult for the child and the parents whether it’s at home and elsewhere. The child might not cope being in different surroundings, have other children in their space, etc. Different things work for different families.
My DS, for example, can’t cope with other children coming to us for play dates (meltdown if they touch his stuff, he labels everything, etc), and with paydates elsewhere he has huge anxiety before, and a comedown afterwards. The latter we do, the former we can’t as he’s not there yet. We find it easier to do the return invite in a neutral space, eg park, cinema, beach, etc.
Maybe ask the other mum what works for her and her child?

Report

Allthewaves · 22/04/2018 10:48

I find play dates hard work with my dc. They end up not wanting to play with the child or lose interest after 30mins at most. It's really hard work

Report

Marshmallow09er · 22/04/2018 12:00

It might be the mum also has SN and / or might find social situations overwhelming. She might also worry about leaving her DC without her (I certainly do!).

I would continue to gently offer opportunities for them to socialise, but don't be disheartened / offended if you are re-buffed. It might just be too much as this point, in which case it might be best to back off a little until a later time.
It's nice of you to try but there might be lots of factors at play you are unaware of.

Report

hibbledibble · 22/04/2018 12:46

zzzz you seem to be very angry! I'm not sure why.

I'm just posting here for ideas about a sensitive way of approaching this.

I have offered to take the child out, so 'hosting' out of the house.

The reason I have tried to maintain the friendship is because, as I said in my op, the children enjoy spending time together.

I know this child does not activities as mum has told me.

Thank you marshmallow for a balanced reply

OP posts:

Report

zzzzz · 22/04/2018 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frusso · 22/04/2018 14:31

For me playdates as a parent of a child with SN are stressful.

Personally, at one stage, I found it really hard to be around parents with NT dcs the same age as my dc. I wasn't in the right headspace at that time.

Playdates at others houses; so many things that could be accidentally broken, pens within reach, plant pots, nowhere for dc to go if they had a meltdown, even the smell in other peoples houses could trigger meltdowns (everyone's houses smell different, not bad, just different).

I have a friend whose dc has allergies and for them it would have been a nightmare, they used to come in and re-hoover before the dc came out of the car. But if you don't know someone well enough, you can't do that, so a decline is easier.

Parks, they would be okay if friends turned up whilst we were there, but I couldn't always guarantee that I could get dc there if arranged a time to meet. But after school dc would be so tightly coiled they would be a spring ready to explode, and they are easier dealt with when contained at home. And for some dcs even the slightest deviation from the normal schedule of events can trigger meltdowns of epic proportions.

And a lot of the time my stress levels were through the roof, and we'd had 5+ meltdowns before it even got to the time to meet someone.

As for extra curricular activities, don't get me started on the ironic nature of "inclusivity" when it comes to those.

Report

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 22/04/2018 14:34

Where are you currently meeting, you must have spent time together somewhere?

Report

hibbledibble · 22/04/2018 15:08

zzz I just suggest you re read your replies, and ask yourself if they are helpful.

Frusso thank you for highlighting those things to me. Any idea how best to proceed? Should I stop offering play dates?

Captain previously our home was fine. We have also been to their house.

OP posts:

Report

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 22/04/2018 15:11

So presumably something has happened between them and now to upset things?

Report

BlankTimes · 22/04/2018 15:14

Ask the mother to come to yours with her child, that way she will be able to intervene and redirect if you do something that's ordinary to you but she knows her child cannot cope with.
Don't let the kids play out of her sight.

It is sad that this dc is being held back from a friendship due to her sn.
It's more likely the mother has tried playdates with NT kids and it's all literally ended in tears or full on meltdown as the child struggled to cope with NT "normality" which will be so different to their own home.

I think you're very kind to ask, but I don't think you know how difficult it is for a child with sn to just come around and play.

Think about how they know each other and where they usually meet, can you extend that by 5 then 10 minutes periodically?

Report

hibbledibble · 22/04/2018 15:14

captain no not at all. Their DC has decided they don't want to come to our house, due to a phobia. At least this is what mum says. I have offered different ways of minimising this, but they are all not acceptable.

OP posts:

Report

BlankTimes · 22/04/2018 15:15

Apologies, your reply was posted whilst I was typing mine, please ignore anything that's now irrelevant.

Report

hibbledibble · 22/04/2018 15:15

blank previously play dates have been fine. Obviously I don't know if there are melt downs after we leave

OP posts:

Report

zzzzz · 22/04/2018 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hibbledibble · 22/04/2018 15:21

zzz I only suggested that perhaps your replies are not helpful. Perhaps if you do not wish to be helpful, it is better to not post? Your latest post comes very close to personal insults. I have not judged anyone. Ironically, you are the one judging me in this situation.

OP posts:

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Email address

You've subscribed!

BlankTimes · 22/04/2018 15:44

previously play dates have been fine. Obviously I don't know if there are melt downs after we leave

In that case, I'm stumped, sorry. I think you are really lovely for wanting to encourage a friendship and have no idea why the other mum is so hesitant to continue.

Report

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 22/04/2018 15:45

Their DC has decided they don't want to come to our house, due to a phobia
I doubt he's decided to have a phobia, something will have changed or happened.

Report

pandyandy1 · 22/04/2018 16:24

Hi there.

My DS is over 5 now and has ASD. There are times when he is an angel and (to others) appears totally NT; BUT there are also times when his behaviour is very challenging (in a variety of different ways.)

I have to admit that I have deliberately avoided playdates before.

At this present time I don't feel comfortable for DS to play at somebody else's house without me. Yes, he could be absolutely fine; play nicely and even say please and thank you BUT on the other side of the coin he could raid his friends mum's cupboards; happily tell her didn't like any of the suggestions for tea time and even wallop his host because something just didn't go his way.

In a nutshell, when he's not with me or very close family I feel on tender hooks. It's my issue I know and I don't want my DS to miss out but it's not a nice feeling.

That being said, we do a lot with my closest friend and her DC. She comes here, we go there and we go out and about. We have known each other a very long time before DS was born and I would be able to tell her if an activity wouldn't suit my DS or if we had to cancel because he was having a bad day.

Suggest a meet up with all the children in the local park during the next hols.