At rock bottom with autistic son :(

[specialneedsmumoftwo]

Im a Mum of 2, and full time carer to my son who is 3 and who has a diagnosis of ASD. I feel like Ive hit rock bottom. He also has a 1 year old sibling.

He is non stop from the moment he wakes til the moment he goes to bed. I feel sick with anxiety around him to the point that I dry gag & go dizzy...I hate to admit that I dread spending time with him :( I long to have fun family time together, but it is just full of tantrums and meltdowns. He constantly whinges, whines, shouts, throws things, hits people, doesnt follow instructions and never seems to have fun ever :( he has limited speech, and when he does speak he just shouts words aggressively at me when he wants something. I have nothing left in the tank for his little sister, and I feel guilty that she is often overlooked. I know its not his fault, and I feel like a monster for feeling the way I do. I just want to enjoy my son and enjoy parenting the way that everyone else seems to (I know thats a ridiculously sweeping statement!!!). What broke me today was walking to nursery (always a fight) and he wouldnt hold my hand properly crossing the road and broke free from me and almost ended up in the road :( :(. The looks people gave me, like I was a piece of dirt on the floor.. I got home and just cried. I feel like I hate my life...that theres no fun and never will be. Nursery tell me everyday how he trashes the place and doesnt listen. My heart breaks for HIM every single day, and I think I just feel like a failure as I cant help him. I am on edge constantly, and find myself snapping at the kids all the time. I feel like I cant take anymore. I dont know what to do. Does anyone feel the same?? Please dont judge me, I feel awful enough x

[livpotter]

You are not a failure at all. Having a 3 and 1 year old is hard in itself without ASD thrown in too. The age gap between my two dc's is the same. 3 was really difficult for me with my ds (he's 4.5 now) and a lot of things have improved (although apparently he did break several toys at the nursery today!).
Running into the road has happened to me before, can you use a buggy board? That has really saved us. I know it's hard but try and ignore other people, they really have no idea!
Are the nursery supporting him properly? My ds got a new keyworker when he moved into pre school and I think that she is one of the reasons he's made so much progress recently.
Try and be kind to yourself, it's really not easy!

[Lesley25]

I’ve been here also so a handhold here.
Contact everyone you can for support. I wish I’d done the same looking back.
Nursery was hit and miss for my son too- I wish I’d gone to sn nursery. I’ve talked about that a lot on here.
A diagnosis should open more doors for you, access everything. Financially would you qualify for carers allowance? Portage for your ds? Contact social services - forget the scariness but they maybe able to help with direct payments for a sn childminder or access to clubs.
I’m just throwing out what I wish I’d known back then.
But looking after 2 children under 5 is very difficult in itself. Don’t be afraid to go to the gp for help for you- antidepressants is something looking back i wish I’d been brave enough to approach the gp for.
But anything, any support grab it.

[TiffanyDoggett]

You have my absolute sympathy and understanding. I have a 4.6 year old ds who is on the cusp of diagnosis and my stress and anxiety levels are through the roof. At three he would defiantly not hold my hand or have any safety consideration. I used a buggy till he was 3.5 years just to keep him contained which brought about judgemental looks of their own.

Now I dread the latest instalment of what he's done wrong at school. I spend my time with him trying to keep things happy and calm, hoping it'll rub off when he's away from me.

Last night ended in tears for both of us as he spent a while shouting at me after bathtime and myself trying to calmly explain why shouting makes people sad (as he shouted 'I'm not shouting Mummy' at me!)

There are good days and bad days and I am a step behind you child wise (due my second next month). I have been very open about my concerns that all my time and energy will be taken with ds1 and I'll be nothing more than the milk machine for the newborn but I hope I'm exaggerating . Support and talking about it seems to be the best thing. I also have a couple of wonderful health visitors who are bending over backwards to ensure his needs are being met but I'm aware that this service is far more stretched in some areas than others.

You are doing a bloody hard job and are at the centre of a shit storm right now. The only thing to do is ride it though and I'm sure we'll come out the other side

[TiffanyDoggett]

And what you wrote here:
He is non stop from the moment he wakes til the moment he goes to bed. I feel sick with anxiety around him to the point that I dry gag & go dizzy...I hate to admit that I dread spending time with him

I could have written that, word for word. You are not alone and you are not a bad parent for feeling that way.

[Waitingforsleep]

Been here too and second all of the advice especially the anti depressants!
My two are a bit older now and under 5 is definitely worse. I hope you have rl friends to turn to it’s the worst when alone too, I found a few groups to go to of additional needs children and parents which helped a bit but the loneliness and sadness is very hard to deal with so I understand. I would consider changing nursery too if I’m honest as it doesn’t sound supportive :(

[Chasingmytail17]

You are a good parent in a difficult situation. Like everyone said, two little ones is hard, ASD is harder!!! My ASD boy is 4 and there are days when I just feel exhausted and so sad but we keep going because we love them :) and hoping it will gradually get easier. Hope today is a better day.

[Foxesjumpers]

Also been there! Same age gap between my two and when he was 3 was definitely the hardest. He is now 5 and things have improved massively, he is at school and coping brilliantly. Don't get me wrong, he is still clearly autistic and simple things for other families have to be like a military operation for us, but day to day is so much better.

Also we have just learned to cope better and what we need to do to help him. This has come from experience, reading up on it, various therapies and helping oursleves too - I have seen someone for my anxiety which in turn has helped how I deal with my DS and how I feel about everything.

I am sure that you are actually doing a much better job than you realise.

[Snowballz]

Just came on as had a similar tough day and your post made me feel less alone.

I am hopeful that there's light at the end of the tunnel but some days it doesn't bloody feel like it!

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job. Keep going. We'll make it.

[Hightidelowtide]

I’m in the same boat- I have a 3.5 year old son and 4 month old baby. I’m desperate too.

[Snowballz]

Hightidelowtide I am sorry to hear you say that. If you can engineer any kind of break it helps. But that's not easy I know. Personally I found strapping them all in the car and putting music on for a pointless drive out to nowhere was my outlet. I also wished I had realised years ago to not over explain dc behaviour but to ignore all the judgy wankers. I only realised this at Christmas.. .after 3 years of crushing comments!

[Allthewaves]

Also nursery of the have iep in place, have they applied for additional funding, has ed psych been to see him?

Don't be afraid to use a buggy. I had Phil and ted so baby could go in and my son when he went to preschool. Wouldn't have risked walking him.

[Allthewaves]

And all mine wore those backpack with straps on until they were at least 5 as could loop it around my wrist while still holding hands incase they bolted.

You learn to ignore the looks though it's still hard.

Me and asd 6 yr old both sat crying in local museum his week after he had an epic meltdown with tons of swearing. I was mortified. Managed to get him semi calm (he crawled under a table) then I burst into tears and he came and hugged me

[Ityoj]

This was me the other day! I wanted to give my child up for adoption (had a bad day).
I totally understand how you feel. My 3 year old son is the same.
The reality is it does get better but at a slow pace.
Our world is so different to those who have Nero typical kids.
Hang in there. Remember he needs you.
Your doing great.
Lots of love.

[Snowballz]

Since the beginning of summer term (so 9 days!) I've had 2 negative comments said to me about ds on a daily basis during school run. Including one bitchy do an who had a go because ds flicked rain water on her dd!! Ffs!!. I am trying to stay strong but it's bloody gruelling. And my ds is only in reception...so lots of this to come. Bit sick of being a grown up at the moment!