DD hitting other kids - how can I help her?

[MycatsaPirate]

DD is 12. She was diagnosed with ASD last year after a long battle with the GP to get a referral.

She has huge anxiety about change, hates people breaking the rules and is very introverted. Her social skills are awful and hitting the pre teen era has been extremely hard for her.

10 days ago I got a call from her on the way to school to say another girl had punched her in the face. It hard started after this other girl had dragged a chair up the hill from the church and then told DD she wasn't to touch it. DD touched it with her finger and laughed so the other girl punched her. School were notified immediately and they looked after DD and calmed her down, put an ice pack on her marked face. The other girl was put in isolation for the afternoon that day.

Incident two was at lifeguard training when the intermediate group (DD's group) had been responsible for putting on a swimming gala for the adults and little rookies to take part in. At the end of it DD was writing out certificates and one or two of the other kids were rocking the table. She got very angry and lashed out and hit another child on the arm. I wasn't there (at home with a stinking cold), DP was getting changed after swimming and all I have to go on are three different reports (DD, swimming coach and another parent) which all vary slightly.

Then on Friday last week I get another call from school to say that DD had slapped a boy across the face. They had seemingly been lining up to leave the classroom to go back to their own class and this boy was pushing her, jostling her and tried to take her pencil case off her. Eventually she snapped (in her words, her face went all tingly and she got very, very angry) and slapped him. She was utterly distraught afterwards and dp went to collect her from school as she was in no fit state to walk home. School will be deciding what to do today as it was school finish time on Friday.

She is such an angry girl, really hates lots of talking, noise and people preventing her from doing what she is meant to be doing. In her eyes she did nothing wrong and it was the boys fault because he was mucking about and annoying her and wouldn't stop. I told her that she mustn't hit out physically but walk away but in this case she was unable to do that because they were to line up and stay there. In her head she must stay in the line and not leave it until told to. I have no idea where the teacher was at this point btw.

I have rung Autism Wessex this morning but no one is there so left a message. I am terrified of my DD becoming the child who is always getting into fights. She is incredibly bright academically and loves her sport but she is struggling so much with the social side of things and I have no idea how to help her.

I have tried talking to her but she just closes down, puts her hands over her ears and walks away. When she doesn't want to know something, she will literally just refuse to listen.

Really struggling here, I am dreading a call to say she has seriously hurt someone but really don't know where to turn.

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

Oh your poor DD. It sounds like all this is linked to her getting punched....AND she's basically been. bullied repeatedly by others and is sticking up for herself, was it mentioned that the boy had pushed her first?

Is there any way she could come out of school for a while at least and do Interhigh?

[MycatsaPirate]

I honestly don't know whether the school know he had been pushing her about, that is all being dealt with today and I've not had a call from school yet to let me know what's happened. The SENCO is lovely and she really understands DD's triggers. I have told them repeatedly that if pushed far enough then DD will retaliate physically. There was another incident two years ago when a boy was following her down from school repeatedly shoving her in the back and trying to push her in a hedge. She ended up pushing him into the road in front of a (thankfully very slow moving) car. The boy in question admitted he had been annoying her and she had just reacted.

She won't want to come out of school. She is obsessed with school and hates having any time off because it affects her attendance. I picked her up early the day she got punched and she was quite stressed that it would affect her percentage!

I just honestly don't know what to do anymore. Three incidents in the space of 10 days is just overwhelming. Both school and lifeguards are very aware that she has the diagnosis but don't seem to understand that she needs to be monitored or she will end up lashing out.

[CheapSausagesAndSpam]

OP ask for this to be moved to the SN board here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs

Or copy and paste and just post again....loads of knowledgable people there who know a thing or two about this

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our SN Children topic now (and giving the thread a wee bump so the OP will hopefully get a few more replies).

[HardAsSnails]

It sounds like her anxiety levels are very high and it isn't taking much to tip the balance. I would talk to the senco and ask if they can do regular check-ins with dd for now, to monitor her stress levels and facilitate her taking time out to de-stress through the day if needed. Does she have an exit pass to leave lessons if she's about to burst? Does she have somewhere or someone she can go to if she's topping out? Can teachers be more alert to her signs of stress?

[MycatsaPirate]

Thanks MNHQ for the move.

HardasSnails Thanks, she really does get quite stressed quite easily and it doesn't take much to push her to bursting point. School have been great with her since she started in year 5 (It's a middle school so years 5 to 8).

Although she only got diagnosed last year, in year 5 her teacher was fantastic and used to give her and a couple of her friends the option of working outside the classroom if the room was incredibly noisy. This was great for her and gave her some much needed head space. Also through years 5 and 6 she had the option of staying in to read or draw at either lunchtime or playtime to get some peace to get her head together. They don't want her excluding herself from her peers but giving her that one break a day did her good. She still has that option but think she feels like she is missing out if she stays in.

Now she's in year 7 they are doing a secondary curriculum so doesn't have one teacher all day like in previous years, they move from lesson to lesson. This means the teachers don't know her as well and don't think they recognise her signs as her form teachers did in the last two years. I'm not sure there's a way round that. I will definitely speak about the Exit pass.

SENCO's door is always open to her and she does check in with her most days to see how she is doing. I really can't fault that.

Yesterday I got a call to say DD was being put into isolation all day today. I queried that as the girl who punched DD was put into isolation for three lessons on the day it happened and then the next day took part in a football tournament. I said to her form teacher that putting her into isolation all day means she will miss her netball tournament plus will be getting double the punishment the other girl got for hitting her. I also asked where on earth the teacher was when the incident happened and why no one had stepped in when this boy was winding DD up.

They know that she is prone to lashing out, it's on her Plan and if she is told to stand in line, she will stand in line. if she has no escape route then the chances are that she will lash out if someone is starting to really piss her off.

I did get a call back from Autism Wessex who are sending me out some stuff which I will read and then go and talk to school again. I think she needs an Exit pass and more coping strategies to help her.

They have also put her into a Monday afternoon group with a youth worker. Unfortunately the girl who punched her is in the same group and DD will probably not open up much in front of her. We shall see.

[ObscuredbyFog]

Try to consider she's not angry as much as overwhelmed when she lashes out.