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Having more children when you have sen children

(21 Posts)
kaz86 Mon 22-Jan-18 11:23:09

Hello.
I have 3 children, my two eldest both have asd, both delayed and have ehcp. My eldest is a very good kid, my second is a handful, I love him to bits, but he needs a lot of time and is yes a hand ful 😂. He has a full 1-1 at school because of this, it's just how his autism effects him.
I also have a 2 year old that seems to be developing fine.
I'm really quite broody at the min, and would love another one, it would be our last. I feel I shouldn't because of our sons needs although having a little sister has been the making of him, his so good with her. They all want another brother/sister. However I worry what people will think, esp as he has no road safety runs of calls ya idiots while out (at he his a lot better this is all anxiety and sensory related).
I have fertility issues (pcos ), also in my 30s so wouldn't want to wait a long time. Wondering if any one has been in similar situation.

SpringerLink Mon 22-Jan-18 14:02:17

Have a think about how you would cope with another child that has SEN. I know it's not necessarily going to happen, but how would you cope if it did. One rule I like to stick to is to plan for the worst, and then hope for the best. I you think that you'd be fine with another child that has additional needs and therefore needs additional time from you, then go for it.

On the other hand, it sounds like you have a really lovely family already, and that it's all working for you. Is it worth taking the risk? There's a saying about people at work being promoted to the point of incompetence, because they were good at the pervious job and then get promoted to a job they can't do. I've often wondered if that's also true of the number of children you have. Having DD3 pushed me beyond my limits, and I had to really look at my life and make huge changes (like dropping to part-time work) to get back in balance.

kaz86 Mon 22-Jan-18 19:36:24

Thank you.
It's really difficult. I wouldn't have another till my youngest is at school so I think that would help.
I have to be super organised and do every thing when they are at school so I can be with all 3 after school. I suppose it will Be holidays that will be the toughest. However I normally go to safe places.
We also did that with our third expected a sen child, however we were really lucky and that makes it harder as having such a easy child might make it harder if followed by a child with sen. Tbh my sons challenging behaviour is the hardest part. I'm happy they all have each other though. They are all quite close too. We have no family to help so we are quite use on not relying on people.

Ellie56 Thu 25-Jan-18 12:22:48

How old are the children you already have?

kaz86 Thu 25-Jan-18 22:28:22

7,5 (nearly 6) and 3 😬

Ellie56 Sat 27-Jan-18 19:15:18

They are still quite young. It very often happens that problems arise when they get older and more is expected of them at school. There are also often difficulties in the transition from primary to secondary school.

There are a few parents already on here at their wits' end because their children are struggling at school /the school is not meeting their needs / there are anxiety issues. Could you cope with that if that happened with the children you already have and then another child ( who may or may not have sen) too?
My youngest son has ASD and over the years there have been frequent problems some of them ongoing for some time. I'm not sure how much of me I would have been able to give to a younger sibling and I think I would have been on my knees if the younger child had also had autism and I'd had to fight for them the way I've had to fight for DS3.

kaz86 Sat 27-Jan-18 22:10:53

I'm lucky really both mine are support both have ehcp.
My eldest is quite easy going, it's my second child that is the toughest. My 3 year old is fab, try's to tell the older ones what too. The hard days are really hard but they are followed by the fan times where I'm so please we gambled and had number 3. 🤷🏼‍♀️. Like you say it does get harder the older they get.
People would think I'm mad 😂. At home we have a relatively normally live . It's the school run that's hell lol.

coffeemachine Sun 28-Jan-18 21:55:18

depends if you could really cope with another child with SN. How would if affect you? Would you cope practically, mentally. Can you afford a 4th child easily?

I personally wouldn't. For me, having 1 DC with complex needs has had such a huge impact (not a positive one - marriage wrecked, isolated, and finances are tough). But I also think noone needs 4 DC in any case grin

Ellie56 Mon 29-Jan-18 00:39:15

I'm lucky really both mine are support both have ehcp.

For now yes. Things can and do change, especially with the onset of puberty and changing schools. Secondary school can be very difficult for children with ASD, which can result in all sorts of problems, not always easy to resolve. I think you should bear this in mind.

zen1 Mon 29-Jan-18 20:05:26

Ellie is right about problems arising as children get older. I have three DC as well. My youngest was diagnosed with ASD aged 3. I thought the other two were NT. Middle DC started to have problems when he went into the juniors. He was diagnosed with ASD at 11 and is having real problems integrating at mainstream secondary (he is bright so School doesn’t perceive the extent of his SEN). Oldest child has been referred to the CCDS a few months ago and is 15. He was fine all through primary (although he clearly has ASD too, it didn’t impact on him too much until he went through puberty). I thought about having another child when the last DC was 4 ish, but I’m glad I didn’t now as I just wouldn’t have time to meet their needs.

Wellingtoncat Sun 11-Feb-18 12:33:07

To be honest I wouldn’t. I have one with ASD (high functioning) and one without. We are very lucky financially but I am aware I will probably have to provide for my DS for the rest of his life. If he has these difficulties, I will do all I can to make his life as easy and enjoyable as possible and that means putting him in the best position possible financially. If we had a third, we couldn’t do that. I don’t hold out any hope for decent government provision for disabled people by the time I am no longer around.

Also, DS needs lots of extra help academically and I try to spend a couple of hours with him every weekend practising writing, etc. I just wouldn’t have enough time to do that with a third.

If you have two DS with ASD, the chance of another having it are very high. I wouldn’t risk it. But I know how tough that decision is.

notgivingin789 Sun 11-Feb-18 19:59:14

Nope, I wouldn't do it. I would enjoy the kids you already have. Your lucky to have three.

Blossom4538 Sun 11-Feb-18 20:55:45

We have one with poss hfa. We didn’t go on to have another. It is something I feel a little sad about but it is the right decision for us. She does also have lots of Cousins thankfully!

Pomegranatemolasses Sun 11-Feb-18 22:01:25

I think it could be a really bad idea for you. Needs change and teenage years can be really difficult. You have three - that's already quite enough to deal with.

Sometimes as parents of young children, it's quite difficult to imagine just how much they will still need and depend on us as they get older!

Ellie56 Mon 12-Feb-18 15:22:07

Sometimes as parents of young children, it's quite difficult to imagine just how much they will still need and depend on us as they get older!

This.

Our son is nearly 23 and while he is becoming more independent, we still have to do things that we've never had to do for our other two children, who were both pretty much able to fend for themselves once they left school.

We have to sort out his benefits, his finances,his EHCP (and the obstructive unhelpful LA angry) and other problems, liaise with college staff on a weekly basis, transport him to and from college, arrange medical appointments , take him on holiday, etc etc. Anything we want to do for ourselves has to be arranged around his term times.

And then there is the stress and anxiety of having to do all this ad infinitum...

KateGrey Tue 13-Feb-18 19:59:58

Honestly I wouldn’t. I have three kids. We knew our middle dd has some issues but I was pregnant by then. My youngest also has asd and it has stopped us having anymore. The children I have need me more than a non conceived child.

zzzzz Wed 14-Feb-18 13:54:11

PCOS gets easier as you age (you get a fertility spurt). So don’t let that pressure you. Personally if you’re going to have another I’d do it now because they will split into two pairs quite nicely.

kaz86 Wed 14-Feb-18 16:04:22

Thanks guys it's so difficult heart and head. Honestly out youngest one has been the best thing to ever happen for my two with asd, they also learn so much of each other. For example my middle child hated using a pen. Even his teachers said they doubt he would be trying to write any time soon. My daughter went on a card obsession, which rubbed of on him and got him writing. They also you know don't like reading or home work etc but doing it together Spurs them on.... also playing games and they have to take turn and share. They alway playing together. They do fight 🙄, however they are always together.
We still go out. I suppose I'm use the work it brings. Like you say i doubt it will get easier. It's something I'm thinking about. It's not something I will do this week. Lol

Wellingtoncat Wed 14-Feb-18 17:00:28

If your DD has really helped your DSs developmentally, I am not sure adding a fourth would add to that - in fact it might detract from it because DD may be closer to your fourth. Without a fourth, she is much more likely to be playing with your DS2!

I completely understand about the heart/head thing. I would love another and often try to convince myself that another might help my DS as he would have his own little gang growing up and then another adult to help support him when he’s older. But if I’m honest with myself, I know he’s already got DD and that having that bit more money and time and attention from us - which a third would take away - is of most benefit to him. And if my third ended up having special needs too then it may well really adversely affect my DC in terms of available time and resources.

I just have to keep telling myself that I need to do the best thing for my DC, not the best thing for me.

notgivingin789 Wed 14-Feb-18 17:19:30

I need to do the best thing for my DC, not the best thing for me.

This sums it up perfectly.

zzzzz Wed 14-Feb-18 17:43:00

I think it very much depends on your situation and the children’s needs. If financially emotionally and timewise you have room in your lives for another child and you all want one, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have one (but I have a larger family and would have adored more).

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