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Do you get sick of people judging and offering their unwanted f*ing opinions?

(15 Posts)
lottieandmia22 Sun 05-Nov-17 05:30:38

I took dd2 and dd3 to firework night. Dd2 is 13 (NT) and the other is 8 and has AS. Dd3 is going through a difficult time - she has very severe OCD and is extremely anxious most of the time. When overloaded she has a tendency to be quite loud and screechy.

We went with my friend and her dd. She insisted on going in two hours before the fireworks started which I knew would be a bloody bad idea and said so but my friend is bossy.

Inside the place I was trying to explain to dd3 that she needed to sip her hot chocolate slowly because it might be hot and I could put in extra cold milk if she wanted. Evidently she was beyond processing that because she took a big gulp, burned her mouth and then had a mini meltdown. She didn’t hurt anyone she just became a bit loud in what was already a loud environment.

My friend thought this would be a good time to say ‘ha, ha, ha that woman just said dd3 is a nightmare’ then later that dd3 ‘looks a lot worse’ than last time we saw them. Well yes she is having a bad patch so her difficulties look more obvious. She then made comparisons with my older daughter. She made it sound like my older daughter is a superior child when she’s isn’t she just doesn’t have the same difficulties as dd3 because she is NT FFS! And she’s also older.

I am so pissed off. Her daughter is not perfect herself but she ignores the things that her dd was doing like pulling my dd’s hair and therefore winding her up.

Rant over. I have AS myself so I hate crowds anyway and usually try to avoid them.

Shybutnotretiring Sun 05-Nov-17 12:11:23

Fortunately we went to fireworks display without friends! But the experience left me wondering are we just going for the benefit of DXP?!! Both children were OK whilst they were sorting out their pre-firework goodies. But DS hates crowds/darkness/cold and was on the verge of meltdown before the fireworks started but picked up once they started. DD kept asking me all the way through the fireworks 'is that the end now?'. Later she complained they were all too bright and too noisy and looked utterly drained. To be honest I only take my children out with very sympathetic and understanding friends. But any others tend not to want to go out with my children anyway!

lottieandmia22 Sun 05-Nov-17 12:59:29

Well this friend has known dd for years and suddenly was saying all these negative things about her. I won’t be going out with her again. If she can only be nice to my daughter when her problems are hidden she can do one.

notgivingin789 Sun 05-Nov-17 17:32:10

DS and I went. I didn't think of inviting anyone else to be honest. In my borough, we had to pay an entry fee to get in, to see the Bonfire night and I hate relying on people (to see if they've purchased a ticket or not).

DS was fine, they held a funfair to keep the kids entertained. Though, DS used ear plugs (Couldn't get any ear defenders last minute, they've sold out everywhere !) when the fireworks started.

Distance yourself from this friend, if I had a friend whose child kept on bothering my child (with malicious intent...purposely wanting to annoy my child and the parent does nothing about it). That friend ain't seeing me anymore, if her DD does that again, tell the child off.

Honestly, don't allow this "friend's" comments to bring you down. All you know is that your children had a good time ? That's the most important bit.

lottieandmia22 Sun 05-Nov-17 18:05:13

Yes I’m not going out with them again because she always wants to get there 2 hours early and is very bossy. She clearly has no understanding of how dd3’s autism affects her so she can find someone else to go to events with.

lottieandmia22 Sun 05-Nov-17 18:05:48

I didn’t invite them by the way - they invited us.

zzzzz Sun 05-Nov-17 20:39:03

Why not just say you won’t be arriving 2 hours early?

We watched sitting on the roof of our car (nb take bum insulation it was freezing) last year. It was really fun. We ate tons of sweets and bundled up.grin. ALWAYS do what works for you.

lottieandmia22 Sun 05-Nov-17 21:33:25

Yes zzzzz - an important lesson learned I think! I’m also autistic and I let people boss me around sometimes because I don’t have the social skills to deal with it.

zzzzz Sun 05-Nov-17 23:03:38

We all get railroaded 8nto th8ngs, But I imagine it’s even harder if you have ASD. How lucky your children are to be brought up by someone who is far more likely to see their difficulties than blame them for them. Your friend sounds like she lacks empathy.

lottieandmia22 Mon 06-Nov-17 10:27:10

I’m starting to think she only went out of her way to be my friend because she realised I was easy to control/boss around.

Shybutnotretiring Mon 06-Nov-17 12:37:38

I know what you mean. I am not great socially/friendship wise. I am always stuck in a kind of is this too little/too much interest/proactiveness on my part dilemma. So it's easiest to have friends who really go out of their way to be friends. Who tend to be bossy people. One friend said to me recently on email [her at home, me in the office] 'why don't you go and get yourself a nice sandwich for lunch?' Obviously that's a benign example of bossiness but think aged 44 I can just about decide for myself what to have for lunch!

elliejjtiny Mon 06-Nov-17 12:39:27

We watched the fireworks from the bedroom window this year and I managed to convince at least the younger dc that it was just as good as going to a proper display (I think I'm turning into my dad grin). However we've had our fair share of judgy comments so I feel your pain. I'm really struggling with leaving the house at the moment. I end up with a sobbing 9 year old, screaming 3 year old and then a crying 11 year old who thinks the world will end if we aren't the last people to leave an event.

lottieandmia22 Mon 06-Nov-17 18:44:13

Oh gosh Ellie, poor you 😢 Do you find that your kids get overloaded but want to be in the middle of mayhem iyswim? I’ve tried to explain to dd3 that although she may think she likes it her brain doesn’t like it and she can’t hear me.

I saw her teacher today who had only positive things to say about her and said she’s a lovely girl. So this made me feel a bit better. Nobody likes to hear people say mean things about their child I guess. The teacher feels that we need to get a better understanding of her profile before she goes to senior school though and she needs a EHC plan really and that’s going to be another battle. But at least I’ve been through it all before.

elliejjtiny Tue 07-Nov-17 11:28:04

Lottie my 9 year old is mainly tired and in pain but won't use his wheelchair unless he is really desperate because people stare at him and make horrible comments. And he has SPD so some of the sobbing is due to sensory overload. My 3 year old is mainly frustrated because I won't let him get into the road and chase the cars, eat things that aren't food and things like that. My 11 year old has aspergers syndrome so he doesn't understand the concept of drop in events like school fetes etc. He thinks you should go at the beginning and then stay until the end and gets upset when we don't. Thankfully dh works mostly from home, I don't think I could manage otherwise.

JonSnowsWife Mon 13-Nov-17 12:28:05

Yes. Sadly.

I've started to learn to not give a shit though.

Friends spoilt rotten lovely DC recently complained loudly that 'DS gets away with everything'. hmm (far from it) . Same friend thinks I'm too tough on DS sometimes so go figure!

Nipped into the city last week with DS. Certain shop and DS went into the biggest sensory meltdown, DD took DS out to calm down and I could feel the eyes and judgement boring into the back ot my head by the shopworkers. Its the first time in a while I turned around to one and went "lovely being an autism parent isn't it?". Straight away their attitudes changed to one of empathy. Like if I hadn't have said anything they'd have chalked him down as simply 'naughty'. hmm

Comments from the HT too who really should know better.

We didnt go to a fireworks display this year. DS has decided he's terrifed of them.

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