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OH resents me needing a break from autistic 4 yearold

(13 Posts)
user1496102015 Tue 30-May-17 01:45:15

My son is nonverbal and doesn't sleep well, I hate to admit it but I do feel the need for a break on occasion. I've had 2 nights without him this year. I share a bed with my son, OH sleeps himself.

My son is up most nights, crying and farting or up wanting to run around.

OH has just had a go at me as I said I wanted to take him to my mums for a few hours tomorrow. I've been in the dog house before for taking him there (he misses him is the reason he gives). OH says he's tired of my tone with my son etc, says I can't cope as I need some p & q. I feel he's been totally rotten, I'm lonely as I'm with my son 24/7 and could do with empathy rather than him having a go. He's mentioned my tone with my son occasionally, seems to think if you're short you're the worst mum ever.

OH also doesn't think he should have to do any housework at all as I'm not working. My son needs everything done for him, he's not toilet trained, can't dress himself etc. If he wasn't autistic then maybe I could keep on top of things.

OH has no interest in spending time with me on my own. He says it's all about our son.

I'm struggling to see a way to resolve this, I think I'm going to end up having some kind of breakdown.

Please advise

user1496102015 Tue 30-May-17 09:51:07

Thanks to those who took the time to help me

Allthewaves Tue 30-May-17 11:04:28

You have an OH problem. You should be tag teaming ds before you end up on your knees.

Polter Tue 30-May-17 14:26:44

I know you're stressed but please drop the sarcasm. Most of us are on half term and not everyone checks MN in the night! It is always quieter on here in the school holidays.

If your OH misses his son he should be spending more time with him. Tag teaming is usually the best way to ensure both parents get some rest time.

CleopatraTheCatLover Tue 30-May-17 15:38:02

I agree that you have an OH problem.
What age is your ds? Have you considered contacting Children's Services to get an assessment of needs as you could be eligible for respite care.

readyornot2011 Tue 30-May-17 15:41:19

He is being unreasonable. You must be going insane. I'd have moved in with my mum a long time ago

Shybutnotretiring Tue 30-May-17 17:49:30

I'm afraid I'm a lousy precedent for you OP. My DXP was like this, especially with regard to me escaping to my mother's which always seemed a massive cheek to me. Since he wasn't prepared to help with DS (or any housework - I used to call him SSS, s****, sleeps, smokes) how dare he haul me over the coals for seeking alternative help. It's all about control, you know. Result: I am a single parent now. Ironically perhaps, many years later he and DS are very close so respite is there in the form of DS spending weekends and school holidays with DXP. It's a shame DD doesn't like going there much...

F1ipFlopFrus Tue 30-May-17 19:32:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1496102015 Wed 31-May-17 12:44:11

No sarcasm-received a couple of pms after posting.

user1496102015 Wed 31-May-17 13:40:46

Thanks again for the input (no sarcasm), I have tried to reply to individuals but I'm unable to (sleep deprivation makes the most simple task difficult).

DS is 4. He does attend nursery in the mornings, Mon to Fri. I generally feel unable to cope when I'm up most nights (being woken up after 2-3 hour of sleep has a bad effect on me, especially as DS hasn't slept well since last Friday).I will need to insist on over night stays for Ds going forward.

I already knew OH was being unreasonable. He does work in a bakery, very early starts.

I have discussed this with friends but I thought asking here would be good for an unbiased response.

I have accused OH of being controlling before, he says it's me that's controlling despite never telling/asking him to do anything.

OH and I have discussed things again, hopefully things can improve otherwise I can't see this carrying on for much longer.

I could stay with my mum if it came to it, only drawback is the lack of space and noise from other family members. This is reason I've put up with it for so long.

sickofsocalledexperts Wed 31-May-17 13:52:23

Melatonin helped my boy (and me) when his sleep was at its worst - doctors can prescribe not sure what ages. And ABA helped him overall if you can access it - see this webpage

youarenotkiddingme Wed 31-May-17 14:04:39

Glad you've had a chat with OH and hope things move forward in a better and positive way.

And yanbu needing a break!

Can I make a kind suggestion? If you change your user name to a nickname SN posters will start to recognise you and remember your background (briefly - there's a lot of us!). It's impossible to remember the username numbers!

zzzzz Wed 31-May-17 20:07:31

My opinion is that it is possible to look after a 4 year old child with ASD who doesn't sleep without much help from your partner. You do have to get on with it and stop reaching for support that isn't there.
You have a lot of work to do to get to how you want things to be but you will feel much better if you just get on with it.

Do you want to stay with your husband? Do you both prefer to sleep separately? Do you need his permission to visit your Mum? Do you claim DLA/carers.

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