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poss ASD daughter (8) and husband sees no problems

(9 Posts)
Apparentlychilled Tue 16-May-17 09:02:56

Hi there
My eldest, DD of 8, has always been a hard work child. I've assumed it was because I didn't know what I'm doing and that I was just a bit of a crap mum. At the beginning of this year, the possibility of ASD was raised and after speaking to school and starting the assessment process, it's looking like that she might ultimately be diagnosed (at some point- the assessment process takes 2 years in my area). She seems high functioning and can hold it together at school but is really hard work and screeches and is sometimes violent at home (esp to her younger brother, who is 5).

We met the paediatrician last month and the notes of that meeting have just come through. It seems weird to see it all laid out and makes me feel like there really is an issue and it's not just crap parenting by me. DH on the other hand read the notes and just said "that's just DD. There's nothing in there that causes me concern and it's just who she is." At one level I know he's right (she is who she is and any diagnosis which follows won't change that), but I feel quite upset by his reaction and kind of alone. Does that make any sense? I know I can't do anything about his reaction or his views of DD and her temper and her issues, and all I can do is what I think is right for her. I guess I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone, which isn't great.

JustAnotherSilentOldNumber Tue 16-May-17 11:09:51

Just a quick post until someone better comes along, you are not alone, you can always post here flowers,

it might also be somewhat reassuring to know that one parent being in denial is also extremely common. Unfortunatly it makes everything harder.

yawning801 Tue 16-May-17 11:15:11

Is he trying to make you feel better by just avoiding the subject altogether? Was DD present at this time? I know that some people (myself included) are verrrry nervous at raising this sort of subject in case it leads to marathon wailing sessions, so could this be the case with your DH?

(I'm no expert, by the way...)

Apparentlychilled Tue 16-May-17 13:16:44

Thank you both.DD wasn't around, and so far she isn't aware of this. She knows I've been in to speak to Senco because of her temper.

I think he's trying to be reassuring. But it doesn't feel like that.

Allthewaves Tue 16-May-17 15:59:30

Sounds like he's quite pragmatic - dd is who she is, if that's asd then fine, that's how it's reading to me

Allthewaves Tue 16-May-17 16:01:10

M dh is the same tbh. He sees them as a whole not a kid with adhd or asd - he's doesn't get the big deal, When I'm panicking and flapping.

Apparentlychilled Tue 16-May-17 16:47:46

That's exactly how he is, allthewaves - he's a very pragmatic person. I guess it feels like he's saying "it's fine", but without any real understanding about what that means going forward. I've only a small clue about what that means going forward, but I feel really worried about her behaviour and how to help her manage it. He doesn't worry (generally or about this), so doesn't understand. And doesn't seem to want to understand.

Teabagtits Tue 16-May-17 16:50:25

Apparentlychilled I don't want to bring a downer on things but diagnosis doesn't really change anything going forward. You may get additional school support but at home you're on your own and there's even less in adulthood. I think your husband, assuming he accepts any given diagnosis, has a very healthy outlook. It's what most of my family say about me and they're the most accommodating people with my issues.

Apparentlychilled Tue 16-May-17 16:56:09

Teabagtits- thanks for posting. I totally get that diagnosis won't change anything. And I love that he says she's fine as she is.

I guess it feels like when he says that that I'm not meant to worry or be upset at the dawning realisation that she may find things tricky that other children won't. And yes, I know, she may also find things easier than others, but it's the challenges which may be ahead of her that I'm struggling with at the moment.

We all want the best for our kids and we all know they'll have challenges or problems to deal with. I just never thought this kind of stuff would be one of them. So I guess the issue is that I'm struggling to accept it all. But I have to: I can't change her (or anyone else), and I love her and want her to be happy. So I have to accept her and help her manage the behaviours she finds hard.

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