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I don't know what to do so worried

(14 Posts)
booksandtea Sat 29-Apr-17 09:23:58

ds2 is 18 . He has HF aspergers .
Hes been chatting to a girl , face timing for a while . We live in Manchester , she is in Hull .
I need to stop him going off to Hull by himself .
He has been on the train to meet her half way in Leeds twice now , on his own , which was ok as far as i know .
But , he is really obsessed and fixated on her . I think she realises he is full on but is enjoying the flattery and attention . He is very controlling with her . Telling her ,to tell him, how much she likes him etc ( shes 16)
Now he wants to go to Hull . I told him that perhaps we could drive him but wasn't sure when , that wasn't good enough and he kicked off into a massive meltdown last night .
He is now adamant that tomorrow he is going on the train to Hull and staying in a hotel . I really really don't want this to happen . He is mentally younger than 18 . He has medication for epilepsy that he cant remember to take and he sleepwalks big time . That's just two things which bother me .
Basically he has turned 18 and hes taking advantage of the fact that he can now legally do what he wants but he sits around all the time while we do everything and pay for everything and he disrespects us , has violent meltdowns and goes mad if he cant get what he wants .
I need to stop him getting on that train .
Is there any way i can ?
I can't sit back while allowing something possibly to happen to him in Hull !

zzzzz Sat 29-Apr-17 09:32:20

Well he IS an adult, so restricted freedom is going to be an issue.
Why don't you just drive him tomorrow?

SaorAlbaGuBrath Sat 29-Apr-17 09:33:50

Do you have any way of contacting her parents OP? Or of somehow being a subtle chaperone for their time together? I understand your worries, it's very difficult when they look like a man but you know that they are unable to rationalise or risk assess as an adult.

booksandtea Sat 29-Apr-17 09:41:44

I feel , well i know, that he is always kind of holding us to ransom . He wants something and then if we don't do what he wants when he wants he kicks off and / or goes against us .
I told him we would go but not this weekend as dh ( i dont drive) only has sunday off after driving a hgv 65 hours already this week and hes exhausted . I didnt say a point blank no , tried to compromise but he always wants his exact way and we often end up doing what he wants just to keep him safe or stop him getting depressed or kicking off but sometimes its not all his way and then he decides he will do what he likes .
i dont think im explaining this very well sorry

zzzzz Sat 29-Apr-17 09:42:27

That's why I would cave and drive him. sad.

I'm sorry my first post didn't express how much I feel for you in this situation.


zzzzz Sat 29-Apr-17 09:43:55

Could you arrange something really desirable to happen this weekend so he doesn't want to miss that? <clutching at straws>

booksandtea Sat 29-Apr-17 09:48:16

I have asked him to sit and talk to us and decide when we can go , just not tomorrow .
Pretty certain this isn't going to solve the problem though , as he will just want to go again a few days later . And it will all start again . Until she doesn't want to see him anymore . I think the way he is talking to her she will find it all too much sooner or later .
He sent her flowers the other day , he had asked this girl to give him her bank details ( he doesnt have an account) so he could send her a surprise using HER money but pay her back when they meet .
Then when she got the flowers he totally hounded her to post on facebook how pleased she was with her amazing boyfriend . even telling her exactly what nice things to say about him . I think she was a bit confused

booksandtea Sat 29-Apr-17 09:50:39

thanks for responding zzzzz There isnt much he wants to do but i will give that some thought .

sometimes i wonder if AS is the right diagnosis . He is so manipulative , is that classic of AS ? i dont know

Smartiepants79 Sat 29-Apr-17 09:51:26

This sounds awful and very stressful for you.
Is this not an issue that is going to need some kind of longer term strategy? As he gets older is it actually going to get better or worse? I apologise if what I say is nonsense as my first hand knowledge of apsergers is fairly limited.
Is he still in education? what is he able to access to support him navigating the world independently as an adult?
In the shorter term cna you not catch the train with him or is it horribly expensive? Could you do it without his knowledge or would that just make it all worse.
Does his girlfriend have an understanding of he issues especially his medical needs? At 16 she is old enough to understand the possible consequences.

booksandtea Sat 29-Apr-17 10:12:25

no she has no idea . I feel like if we had said we would drive him we would never be done . Although he already has us jumping through hoops because sometimes its better than the meltdowns or situations such as this .
I have no idea what will happen long term . I suppose i just hope that with time he will be more responsible and he can be more independent without me having to worry .
He has improved alot but its just slower than average , so maybe in a few years he will be like other 18 year olds . maybe .
maybe we will have to drive him tomorrow . i will never forgive myself if something happens to him and it looks like i cant stop him sad

booksandtea Sat 29-Apr-17 10:29:11

god , ive phoned dh on his hands free . Hes at work after very little sleep last night with ds2 meltdown . Hes just bloody crashed his truck . Didnt sound awful , but he had to get off the phone obviously so sat here waiting to hear back now . can't cope anymore . had enough sad

SaorAlbaGuBrath Sat 29-Apr-17 10:31:44

books I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Does your DS have any outside agency involvement (not that you're not doing an amazing job, more to give you a bit of support)? It sounds like you're absolutely exhausted and need a break. (No judging at all, just concern)

zzzzz Sat 29-Apr-17 10:42:50

Ds has autism and is VERY controlling. I know many people on the board use PDA strategies. Would that be a place to start?

Seeing what might happen looming is only helpful in so far as it will make risk assessment to the fore in your mind. Otherwise ignore (I know, but try) and focus on HOW you get from where you are to where you want to be.

Poor dh, how expensive and time consuming.

NotOneThingButAnother Sat 29-Apr-17 10:58:22

Do you have any way of contacting her parents? I'm probably going to say completely the wrong thing here and I can see your situation is pretty bad by anyone's standards but she is 16, my DD was 16 this week and she is on the other side of the coin, very vulnerable to being manipulated. On Monday she wants to meet a boy who is 17 who has some sort of behavioural issues- he too has been messaging her insisting that she says she loves him etc., I am beside myself. She's pretty feisty with me but totally open to taking orders from people she considers her friends and as for boyfriends - what they say goes. If her parents can insist on accompanying her, or if you give them the heads up about your concerns then maybe it would serve to protect both your young people - does that make any sense?

But getting back to your family, do you have any support in RL? Other than DH? Adult social services? Local charity for AS? Youth worker?

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