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Getting desperate

(9 Posts)
nixi86 Fri 21-Apr-17 14:17:33

I have two wonderful children, my eldest is severely mentally impaired, he has an ASD and GDD diagnosis. I am at the point that I know my son inside out, his triggers etc. My relationship crumbled, he moved abroad

I have battled for so long to keep myself in the land of employment.
i've set up two businesses both of which have failed because of things outside of my control, being double crossed my a business partner and having an advertisement ban by google and facebook. I done this so I could fit my hours around my sons needs,

When my son was born I had a normal life with normal financial obligations, I worked full time and gained 12 years experience in customer services and was on my way to having a half decent job promotion. Since the birth I had to drop down to part time hours, i've lost my steady employment of 7 years due to lack of childcare (once nursery years had finished) , lost a further 3 jobs due to unexpected issues with my son and had two businesses fail. I attempted uni studying law, that ended the second my son went to school as I couldn't afford additional sn childcare on a student loan.

Now my debts are at the point I can't even keep up, I get no help with rent or council tax as am renting from an ex partner, I've got no family support and I need to work to stay afloat. I am literally living in a bubble of isolation with absolutely nothing any more.

The last time I even had a night out was 2010, I feel like I've lost every single ounce of being human, my existence is a continuous cycle of care, depression and constant anxiety .

All the jobs i seem to see in my industry are up until midnight which I obviously can't commit to. I went to a job interview last week with a dream company, job I'd love to do, hours were 12hr shifts up until 1:30am on a 4 on 4 off rota, I mean seriously how the fuck can I do that, they asked the question "why do you want this job?" If I would have answered honestly I would of said "because I need the money before I have to declare myself fucking bankrupt" am literally at the point I feel like walking into an interview and flat out begging for a job,

I just want for once to be able to go to work without having to constantly worry that my son is being cared for, or waiting for the phone call that means I have to leave early the first week on the job, I want a normal life, a normal wage. My sons disability is at that point now that it's painfully obvious he's going to need care for the rest of his life, which means I am never going to be able to change my life,

I love my son dearly and wouldn't change him for the world, but fuck me this is hard

Marshmallow09er Fri 21-Apr-17 20:23:16

flowers sorry to hear you're finding it tough - I didn't want to leave you unanswered

I know how hard it can be juggling a job with a DC that has additional needs

brew and cake, you are not alone on these boards

Baggins2012 Sat 22-Apr-17 00:06:36

I wish I could help you in some way. You sound like an amazing mum-the fact that you continually describe your dc as wonderful and mention how much you love them shows how lucky they are to have you. Even amongst your problems you are still aware of how lovely they are.

Is it at all possible for you to compromise and go into another sector of work with more workable hours?
Is moving closer to family for some support an option at all?
If you cant get babysitting for a night out could u invite friends over to yours for the evening? Just order a take away and enjoy some down time?

I've found these boards great to get some objective support/feedback since i found out about my ds' GDD diagnosis. I hope it helps you too.

notgivingin789 Sat 22-Apr-17 22:16:13

Will post more OP but other parents I know of, who have high pressured jobs, hire nannies. Would this be an option ?

cansu Sun 23-Apr-17 06:58:16

It is shit. I work nearly full time and the past few weeks have had to take time off to sort out various issues with my children who are both autistic and have all kinds of problems. Work are fed up with me and I wish daily that I could give up just so I could stop feeling guilty and crap about it but we need the money to stay afloat. My eldest is constantly damaging things and there are loads of repsirs that have to be done purely for safety reasons. Have you considered some kind of boarding for your son such as weekly boarding so that you could at least work during the week?

Fairylea Sun 23-Apr-17 07:50:43

There is absolutely no way I could work or even attempt to work with my son as he is. He is 5 with asd and learning disabilities and is so full on just caring for him is my whole life, just as you've described your own life.

If you are in serious debt please get some proper help with that first. Talk to step change or Christians in poverty (even if you're not Christian). They will help and advise you.

Make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to dla and tax credit wise.

It is extremely difficult. I too haven't had a night out since my son was born and to be honest even if someone asked me I would say no as I know I would be so tired the next day and I need all my energy as it is!

Fairylea Sun 23-Apr-17 07:51:43

(Meant to add before ds I worked full time in a very well paid and demanding city marketing job, so it's been a total change of life for me).

nixi86 Tue 25-Apr-17 13:44:00

Sorry I posted and ran ladies, I have had a weekend of tantrums and meltdowns.

I've looked into other sectors but a career change at 30 isn't something that am finding most employers are keen on. Family support isn't an option only child and I am estranged from my mother (many years of abuse and alcohol addiction when I was growing up, it made me damn sure of how not to be a parent and I dont want my children anywhere near that kind of environment)

A nanny would be ideal, I am finding it hard to find one in my area with sn experience who is ofsted registered so I could claim some help via tax credits. currently my 17k average salary wouldn't justify it.

Weekly boarding I just couldn't imagine it, as dramtic as it may make me sound, but there have been times that i've considered doing something stupid and knowing my eldest would not understand where I had gone or god forbid find me is the only thing thats kept me going. My life is at the point now where it would take quite a long time for me to get on top of the mounting financial stresses, especially with such a low paying job.

On the plus though I have just passed my initial assessments for a life changing job that would involve a house move, but would enable me to hire a nanny and live comfortably. now I just need to get through the other 100 or so stages and job done..... :S

Am sorry all you ladies are having a hard time regarding childcare and employers, when will the powers that be learn that so many people are struggling

Allthewaves Tue 25-Apr-17 17:40:28

Have you checked entitled to. They have a checker that shows if you r better off not working. I'm £7 a wk better off working lol

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