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ASD: coping with resentment and bullying from NT family members?

(9 Posts)
parentsvsPIL Fri 21-Apr-17 01:26:12

Anyone dealt successfully with (immediate) family who resent those with ASD?

I've just had a horrible Easter weekend where my family came to visit to meet 5 month old DS, and my mother spent the whole time making digs at me and my father about my (diagnosed) and his (undiagnosed) ASD. My sister also made a few comments that made it clear she thought our mother's view was correct even though my sister would have more manners than to say such things.

My mother has found me an embarrassment all my life. She believes people with disabilities ruin others' lives, and that people like me shouldn't be able to have children. Thus she spent a lot of time telling my 5mo DS that she wanted to take him away so he could grow up normal, not like his mother. She also spent a lot of time telling my father that DS would only smile for her because babies only likenormal people. DS was initially smiling for both but ended up only smiling for her because my father became withdrawn and sad.

Obviously this is more a thread for relationships than SN children, but I've spent years posting on MN about my mother and am looking for new techniques to help this horrible situation.

Thus has anyone got any advice on how to deal with disability-related resentment?

Fairylea Fri 21-Apr-17 08:35:40

My only thought is why on earth do you keep contact with her?! She sounds absolutely vile. You need to protect yourself and your ds from her views. Personally I would seriously cut contact unless she can educate herself and learn some manners.

parentsvsPIL Fri 21-Apr-17 09:15:42

She has my father firmly convinced he is inadequate and needs her help. So to see him I have to put up with her. We limit contact to no more than 2 visits per year (usually only Christmas) and limit time in her company during visits.

But yes I agree her views are vile.
Nothing has worked but limiting contact. Any perspectives on successfully dealing with resentment might at least help me deal with my sister, even if dear mother is a list cause.

zzzzz Fri 21-Apr-17 10:19:28

She doesn't resent you, she is disablist.

How could you see your father without her?

I think if you can't then you MUST stop ds from seeing her. If he was black and she was being racist you wouldn't let that in his life.

The way she talks to and about you is inexcusable. ONE of my 5 children has a dx of ASD. We love him and what he brings to our family and the world. He is simply the most amazing inspiring and genuine person you could ever meet. Sometimes he is annoying but to be frank we are toogrin.

Love your son and protect him as you should have been growing up.

star

birdlover1977 Fri 21-Apr-17 10:36:33

I'm so sorry you are being treated in this way, but please don't let her anywhere near your son. She sounds like a very abusive woman and you need to protect your little boy. I know it must be heart-breaking to accept you won't have a relationship with your mother, but honestly it sounds like you would be better off without any contact at all. I firmly recommend you only see your father.

I have 2 sons with ASD whom we all love dearly. Sadly I have had to tell my brother that his daughter cannot visit until she learns to be more tolerant and understanding of those with disabilities because there is no way I would have my sons feeling uncomfortable in their own home. She is just a child and I hope that she will learn to be more accepting of difference as she grows, but if she doesn't then we won't be having any contact.
Best wishes and congratulations on your little boy.

taratill Fri 21-Apr-17 13:52:45

Your mother is vile. How awful for you. If I were you I wouldn't have any further contact with her.

youarenotkiddingme Sat 22-Apr-17 07:44:22

Do you have a partner/husband?

Could he go and collect your father for a visit? Just tell you mum that she is the one with 'problems' and it's not 'normal' to be disablist and certainly not to members of your own family.

Tell her you worry about the impact her behaviour will have on your son so you are taking him away from her.

parentsvsPIL Sat 22-Apr-17 09:07:49

Good to know my view isn't skewed. Time to find my backbone...

DancingLedge Sat 22-Apr-17 09:34:36

What a spiteful mother, sounds like she 's deliberately trying to hurt you. I am aghast at her saying your son would be better off not being brought up by you.

This is not about your ASD, with that much spite in her, she'd easily find another stick to beat you with, if there was no ASD in your family

ASD is just one kind of way the brain works, has some deficits, but also some strengths. Not better, not worse, just different.

No advice on dealing with that difficult a parent, but sure others on here will.flowers

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