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friends ds with ASD

(15 Posts)
Leelaa123 Sun 12-Feb-17 13:18:18

Hi sorry for the long post.
A friend of mine has 3 lads all 3 can be quite agressive but one in particular who has asd. Ive advised her that because of how much energy he has to get him into a form of martial art as this will give him a positive and controlled way to burn off extra energy and his anger but recently he was olay fighting and he had a very very violent meltdown. He's very strong for his age and had to be restrained as there were young children around aswell my self and his aunt managed to get him to go upstairs eventually but this was after a good half hour if not more of pure rage and violence. We left him for about 10 mins and i went upstairs after a short chat (on my behalf as he's a selective mute) we agreed to go for a walk just him and myself to cool down he agreed and was very well behaved and calm when we got back he was pretty calm.

The reason for my post is mainly because i hope to see more of them and possibly babysit but as his mom has her handsful with the other 2 i'd like to be able to build a bond with him to help him calm down or atleast find otherways to channel his anger. I've looked into things like stress balls and rescue remedy which I'm goin to talk to him and his mom about but any advice from other people would be greatly appreciated as i can also use these in the future as i'd like to work with children with 'challenging behaviour'

PolterGoose Sun 12-Feb-17 13:35:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Sun 12-Feb-17 16:55:26

Do you have experience of working with children with autism? confused

zzzzz Sun 12-Feb-17 16:57:21

How old is the little boy?

MissAdaSmith Sun 12-Feb-17 18:15:29

sorry OP, you sound well intended but totally out of your depth. I have no idea why you want to work with children with Asd and challenging behaviours but stress balls and rescue remedy wont really take you very far.

zzzzz Sun 12-Feb-17 19:01:20

I'm sorry to ask more questions, but what is your relationship with this family? How have you got yourself into a position of talking to a child post meltdown, or taking him for a walk 1:1, presumably to talk a bit more? How and why are you advising on support, and interventions?


F1ipFlopFrus Sun 12-Feb-17 22:06:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuckingwall Sun 12-Feb-17 22:12:42

It sounds like there were far too many people in the house for him. Why was he made to go upstairs? You'd be better off leaving the house than coming at him with a stress ball.

Leelaa123 Mon 13-Feb-17 12:22:32

Right poltergoose i never once said he was a guinea pig to boost my cv it was simply that having worked with adults more than children with asd i was intrigued what the differences are from that pov as most adulta i had workes with already had ways to distract or calm down but i kno with children its a lot different as it's essentially trial and error to see what helps them.

missadasmith i've wanted to work with children with asd or challenging behaviour for years i don't kno why, just something ive always been interestes it and the stress balls and rescue remedy were simply things that i'd learnt about in my autism awareness training for adults and was told that it was also good with kids as the stress ball gives them something to focus on.

zzzzz the childs 9 and I spoke to him simply to see if he was okaii and the walk was because it's one of the ways he calms down and i kinda figured it would be safer with an adult present than on his own and the only reason I'm asking is because his mom seems really overwhelmed and ss aren't helping.

Until today i wasn't even aware that rescue remedy was brandy based. I'm not patronising at all! They were simply ideas i'd re-researched and the martial arts isn't a ridiculous idea at all and I'm not the only one that has suggested it.

fuckingwall he was made to go upstairs because it was a place where he could let of steam, be alone and couldn't hurt anyone around him. And like ive said before the stress ball was simply something that an autistic woman had said she found useful to keep with her for when she was feeling anxious. And i don't mean the shoddy foam ones i mean the onea with flour or playdough or rice whatever in them which gives a texture to fiddle with

F1ipFlopFrus Mon 13-Feb-17 13:24:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Mon 13-Feb-17 13:34:12

Your response is quite defensive. If you are genuinely interested in working with children with additional needs it's a much more reflective and contemplative job so you will need to gain some balance.

My first thought is that this family are incredibly vulnerable and intentionally or not you are modelling very poor safeguarding for them. Your post does show huge gaps in understanding (not that that can't be remedied, but it is VERY important to be mindful of how little you know, at the moment you sound rather like a 16 year old who thinks they can do sole care for a new born because they have a little sister who is three years younger than them.),

The single idea to take away is that supporting the carer and building HER confidence and expertise is of far more benefit to the child/children than even hours of your direct input (even if you had quite significant professionals qualifications).

fuckingwall Mon 13-Feb-17 16:16:52

You say in your post that it took half an hour to get him upstairs, which must have been really distressing for him and unnecessary. Then he had to go for a walk.

If everyone else had gone for a walk and left him with his parents, all that stress could have been avoided. His parents will deal with his melt downs all the time. Let them parent their child and give them the space to do it in.

zzzzz Tue 14-Feb-17 14:17:16

I think what I find infuriating about reading this (and to be fair previous threads) by well meaning people who want to sweep down and "fix" what they see as failing families is the total disregard for the fact that this family may be doing an excellent job. sadangry

It's soul destroying to read and bloody awful to experience.

The real problem is the ignorance of how big a disability is being dealt with. Frankly it's a bit like running with your children across war torn Europe and someone criticising you for their lack of bedtime routine or suggesting aromatherapy. hmmshockangry

As for talking at a selective mute child, words can't describe how furious that makes me.

frazzledbutcalm Tue 14-Feb-17 22:17:18

You were so wrong from the very beginnng of your post ... then it just went downhill!

Your lack of understanding of asd is very apparent when you first suggested the boy channels his energy into martial arts! Really?? Join a club when you struggle with social interaction?? My dc could no more do this than climb a mountain!

I won't waste my time commenting on the rest of your post. You really have no idea. No idea

The best thing you can do is leave the family alone. Don't tell them how to parent their child.

1805 Fri 17-Feb-17 18:02:16

As a parent who has a child who suffers violent meltdowns, I can advise the following…
Go round to her house with a bottle of wine one night, wash up/help with other dc/sort the washing out/iron... whilst she deals with asd child, then pour her a large glass of wine and let her have a good old whinge and moan. PLEASE do not offer advice or parenting tips. They will have tried pretty much everything by now. Just let her talk and drink wine.

Good for you for wanting to help, but be careful you don't annoy her. The stress levels she will experience will be very high.

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