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Teacher threatened detention for crying

(17 Posts)
canigoontheipad Wed 08-Feb-17 16:14:25

Hello, wonder if I could have some advice on how to approach this. My ds (8) has diagnosed Auditory Processing Disorder, Visual Stress and suspected Sensory Processing Disorder/dyspraxia (we are waiting for OT referral). He also suffers from extreme anxiety over many things. He has always struggled with certain things, the list is very long, but for example he has claustrophobia, panic attacks, dislikes change, suffers with motion sickness, poor co-ordination. He has always been a "crier". He gets incredibly upset to the point of retching when he gets in a panic about something.
Yesterday the school went on a trip on a coach. I have heard from a parent that he was extremely upset before getting onto and once on the coach.
He also was upset at one point on the trip due to confusion about the toilets.
The school have not told me any of this. I have heard information only from a parent helper, parent of another child and my own child.
Today my ds came out of school visibly upset and quiet. He said that his teacher had taken him to one side and told him that if he keeps crying about "silly things" then he will get detention.

I am furious to the point of feeling sick. I'm not sure whether or not I am justified to feel like this? Am I?
How would you deal with this situation. He is in a mainstream school and is on the SEN register. Thank you.

Melawati Wed 08-Feb-17 16:57:31

I am shock that they have 'detention' for 8 year olds! And angry that any teacher would suggest to any child, let alone one with the difficulties that you describe, that crying was a punishable offence.
Email her saying 'DS says that you told him ...... just want to confirm that's the case' or ask her at drop off tomorrow in as calm and matter of fact way as you can manage.
Once you're sure this is what was said, is be going straight for a formal complaint.
For future trips, could your DS have a 1-1?

Melawati Wed 08-Feb-17 16:58:38

I'd be going straight for a formal complaint
New phone autocorrect is driving me bonkers!

canigoontheipad Wed 08-Feb-17 17:49:30

Thanks Melawati

Yes I was planning on sending an email as that is the preferred method of contact. We don't see the teachers in the morning so it would need to be after school tomorrow in front of all the other parents and children. I don't want to embarrass ds.
How would I go about making a formal complaint?

FrayedHem Wed 08-Feb-17 18:17:09

Your poor DS. Agree with Melawati outline what you have been told and get the teacher's response. I wouldn't be surprised if they call you and try and arrange a meeting rather than committing anything to writing. You can still follow up the meeting with your own written minutes. I would probably go along if they do ask about the meeting, as it sounds like they are not managing your DS very well at all and you most of all need a plan put together so they do.

Your school will have a complaints procedure - it's usually a case of writing to the Head then if you aren't happy with that response, raising it to the Governors'.

Melawati Wed 08-Feb-17 21:06:52

Check on the school's website. The complaints procedure should be published there.

canigoontheipad Wed 08-Feb-17 22:20:08

Thank you both.

I have emailed the teacher but I haven't heard back yet. Hopefully I will get a response in the morning.
That's good advice about taking my own notes at the meeting. I'm just so sad for him. I wish we could just get to the bottom of how to help him effectively.

Userone1 Wed 08-Feb-17 23:13:12

Teacher will probably deny it.

I think I would go with a email something along the lines of parent reported ds was very upset today due to.......state what parent told you

Ds says that Mrs X told him stop crying etc, etc.

Ds does upset over x, y, z I find the best way to manage his behaviour and reduce his anxiety is x, y, z

Doesn't matter if teacher denies. Kind of now you know that I know, it's in writing, recorded, do it again and a ton of brick will be down upon your head!

canigoontheipad Wed 08-Feb-17 23:40:56

Userone1 I was thinking the same that he might deny it....... If he does then I'm seriously concerned for my ds's welfare at school. I'm considering not sending him in tomorrow until I hear back from them and find out what the hell is going on.
As if ds wasn't anxious enough, this is tipping him over the edge sad

Userone1 Thu 09-Feb-17 06:46:35

Don't send him, tell school he cannot attend, he is extremely anxious about yesterday and you would like to know what strategies they have place for when he is feeling anxious.

Their response can be telling, as to whether they actually understand his anxiety.

canigoontheipad Thu 09-Feb-17 08:01:07

As suspected, I have had an email back to ask if I can meet after school to discuss. I feel this is an admission that it did happen, as otherwise I'm sure he would have said"No, he's got mixed up!" Or similar.

I'm not sending him in today until I get this resolved so he can stick his meeting!

Userone1 Thu 09-Feb-17 08:32:08

Meeting could be a good opportunity to discuss how to manage your ds's anxiety.

Teacher will probably say he misunderstood or such like. To be honest unless teacher actually admits to it, there will be no way of knowing for sure.

However use this to your advantage, oh really ds misunderstood or teacher didn't say it, we obviously need to find a way of making communication more clear to him, as it caused him so much anxiety. What's the plan?

Ds was upset over a number of things and crying on the trip. What's the plan for future trips?

Oh yes ds is often anxious and upset in school, what's the plan to help him manage his emotions?

Etc, etc

canigoontheipad Thu 09-Feb-17 10:07:36

Userone1 Thank you so much, I will definitely put it to them that way. I won't be attending the meeting today that he has suggested, as I would have to take the ds in question and also my 3 yo who will not allow me to talk in peace.
Would also like my DH to be there and he can't be today. I will wait to see what the others say as I have escalated to head of year, senco and headteacher.

Userone1 Thu 09-Feb-17 11:02:24

I will say at times my ds can misunderstand what has been said/done, especially when anxious. At other times, he is spot on.

Only you know your ds and whether he can misinterpret and how likely it is.

I think the bigger issue is that ds was very upset/anxious in the first place and he needs more support and understanding from school.

canigoontheipad Thu 09-Feb-17 12:12:01

Yes I agree, DS has been known to misinterpret things but there is usually an element of truth there. You are right though, it is not just this one incident. There have been lots of things running up to this, and this is pretty much the icing on the cake. Maybe I needed this to happen to push me into getting something done. Thanks for all your advice smile

Ineedmorepatience Thu 09-Feb-17 15:57:43

Poor boy sad

Hooe you can get this sorted before he ends up school phobic!

Ineedmorepatience Thu 09-Feb-17 15:58:31

Hope obviously blush

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