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I really, really resent it when...

(13 Posts)
emkana Tue 27-Feb-07 09:51:54

...people make assumptions about ds's future/condition.

Yes, he has a skeletal dysplasia, but we have no definite diagnosis, so no real prognosis either.

Still people make assumptions and I hate that. Like today I was talking about the dd's and how they are with each other to another mum, and then I said "We'll have to see how ds will fit into all that", meaning only in the sense - he's a boy and he's three years younger than dd2 - and then this other mum said "Oh but he's going to be a bit special so..." SO WHAT???

I also can't stand it when special is used in that kind of way, on the surface it sounds nice but really I find it patronizing.

Or am I being unreasonable?

heartinthecountry Tue 27-Feb-07 10:30:15

No, not being unreasonable at all.

What I find quite staggering is that this other mum thinks you should need reminding that your ds is going to have different needs. Like its not something you will be acutely aware of the whole time. (Well, I am making assumptions there but for me that is the case.)

And agree hate that use of the word 'special'. My dd1 is special to me because she is my dd but she isn't a 'special' child. So patronising.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker Tue 27-Feb-07 10:37:49

Was wondering where you'd got to Em.

Dd hates being called special. She once said 'special means different and I don't want to be different'.

coppertop Tue 27-Feb-07 10:47:06

<shudder> at special being used in that context.

TeeCee Tue 27-Feb-07 10:53:53

I actually don't mind the term 'special' tbh. I really don't mean this to sound like I'm boasting or being all 'ohh my DD is so great', cos she drives me insane most of the time these days , but there is something a bit special about her that other children can see. I saw that at the party she went to on Sunday and the way all the other children couldn't leave her alone and the older boys all new her and were crouching down to talk to her and the way they all wanted to sit next to her, all made sure she was included in the running game and gave her a chance and cheered for her etc, etc. It's not possible for other childrens reaction to her to be patronizing. Also if they can see it, then that affects how she's seen by the parents and the teachers etc.

Having special needs does make you different from the majority, it just does, and if someone that doesn't know me that well wants to refer to those differences as Lottie being a bit special, that's ok with me, I don't have any problem with that, I understand what they mean and what they are trying to say. Discussing another child who has SN's with the mother of that child is a bloody minefield for the other parent, full of things they could say wrong, so easy to upswt, offend, calling her special isn't soemthing I'd be hurt by.

However I'm sorry it offends you. I don't think you are unreasonable at all. If it upsets you then it upsets you, there's nothing unresonable about that. it either botehrs you or it doesn't and I'm really sorry it upsets you, xxx

Jimjams2 Tue 27-Feb-07 11:12:35

Bet she had her head cocked to one side as well em. I'd have wanted to poke her in the eyes. Very patronising!

TeeCee Tue 27-Feb-07 11:15:10

Looks like I'm in the minority here!

LOL at the head cocked image though and when put like that I can see how I'd want to poke her in the eye too!

emkana Tue 27-Feb-07 11:20:21

Jimjams - we were walking alongside each other, otherwise I'm sure she would have!

TeeCee, I think it's lovely that you can see it that way! The thing is that I'm still fairly new to all this as well and the future is so uncertain, so that's why I don't want people to jump to conclusions when even the doctors have no idea really!

He might be 4 ft, become a professor and marry a leggy blonde... or he might be 5 ft something and a university drop-out...

who knows

FioFio Tue 27-Feb-07 11:21:51

Message withdrawn

Aloha Tue 27-Feb-07 11:22:37

It's the dragging it in when it isn't relative that would pee me off. As though his disability is the ONLY important thing about it, and not being able to go beyond it. I'm certain his relationship with his sisters (or anyone else) will not be defined by his skeletal dysplasia.

emkana Tue 27-Feb-07 11:25:49

Exactly, aloha and fio.

I have a feeling as well though that people are making assumptions about the nature of his "specialness" [bleurgh] - in that they sometimes assume it's not only physical. Which it might not be, but we don't know. When he was tiny he used to sleep loads and people used to ask me "is he ever awake? I've never seen him awake, is he doing okay?" and in a loaded kind of way.

TeeCee Tue 27-Feb-07 11:36:38

I think that's a good point Aloha, re not being defined by his skeletal dysplasia.

Blu Tue 27-Feb-07 15:06:38

and the 'but'.
'But' nothing!

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