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Other parent adopting ostrich position

(17 Posts)
PenelopeParmesan Wed 25-Jan-17 11:36:01

Looking for a bit of advice really. DS is 8, had IEP and senco involvement in school for 2 years, LA autism outreach team are involved at the schools request, under community paed being assessed for ASD pathway.

DH is still completely not on board. He feels that the 'special treatment' he gets at school is isolating him, and why he has no friends.

He doesn't see the friendship issues and need for adjustments are the result of his differences not the cause.

I need him to be on side. We haven't got a dx yet but very likely going to get one (asd) it's making me feel like shit/lonely.

Any suggestions /resources you'd recommend would be warmly welcomed please.

PenelopeParmesan Wed 25-Jan-17 11:51:09

Actually what I really resent is that he makes it sound like it's all my perception. And DS is 'just very individual, it's good that he's not a sheep but some social skills are kind of necessary to function in society more easily why do we have to make him conform...'
Fwiw DH likes to think he's a bit of a rebel /non conformist but he's actually a public sector employee counting down to his retirement and nowhere near as rebellious as he likes to think he is.

zzzzz Wed 25-Jan-17 13:12:01

How much time does he spend with your ds?

PenelopeParmesan Wed 25-Jan-17 13:28:39

A fair bit really. He spends quite a bit of time with both DCs, we've an older one too.

On one hand he's in total denial. Yet sometimes he'll mention another quirky kid we know and describe them as having 'issues a bit like DS'. So he does see it. He just can't acknowledge it I think.

PenelopeParmesan Wed 25-Jan-17 13:29:30

I read a book about cognitive dissonance ages ago, it reminds me of that.

PenelopeParmesan Wed 25-Jan-17 13:41:16

I've posted before in other names a while ago, I think you replied then too, zzzzz.

I'm just chunnering on. From my POV I'm doing all of the liaising with school, paeds, OT, senco, and he's just pouring scorn all over it saying it's not an issue there's nothing going on.

Except, it's not me.

School invited the autism team in without any prompting from me (though they did ask for my permission) The OT assessed him and documented significant sensory difficulties. The consultant paed has referred for a social communication assessment with SALT, their idea.

I feel a bit like he's suggesting munchausens by proxy?! Even though he does admit that DS is very quirky and not like his peers.

I don't know. At least I've got it off my chest now.

zzzzz Wed 25-Jan-17 13:49:30

Do you have any friends that have similarly aged children? Best would be old Uni/college friends. Invite them round with 3/4 kids and see if he sees it.

It's possible also that he IS describing the same thing just doesn't realise that that's what ASD is iykwim.

PenelopeParmesan Wed 25-Jan-17 14:09:01

It's that second part I think.

It's like he feels I'm insulting our child to suggest that there's an underlying condition. I'm really not, DS is fucking amazing and I've been in love with him since day one. But part of loving him is recognising that he struggles with some stuff, needs someone to advocate for him and so on.

And I'm not sure why DH is so reluctant to get a diagnosis, he's still the same lovely crazy boy whether he's diagnosed officially or not.

zzzzz Wed 25-Jan-17 14:22:50

Have you watched the Rosie film together?

Imaginosity Wed 25-Jan-17 14:30:15

Maybe you just have to let him have time to process it his way - and it might take a long time. BIL was like this when his son was diagnosed but accepts it now. I think he needed a while to accept it - he didn't want to believe his son had some difficulties. I believed straight away that my DS has ASD but I was very depressed about it - this was because whenever I googled about it everything seemed so negative, as if DS was doomed to have a miserable lonely life. Also, I'd been very shy as a child and found that hard so I was worried my DS would have a hard time like I did. Now two years later I'm comfortable with DS having ASD. I can see the upsides and I can appreciate DS is doing very well with all the supports in place. My friend reacted differently to me when her child was diagnosed - she was very happy to have an explanation for the behaviour. Everyone processes things differently depending on where they're coming from - hopefully your DH will eventually get there. Does he come to the meetings with the school and the professionals - would hearing it from outsiders help?

PenelopeParmesan Wed 25-Jan-17 14:47:26

I don't know the Rosie film, zzzzz?

No, he doesn't come to any meetings or appointments, he isn't willing to 'go along with it'

Imaginosity- pretty close I think - I've had several years to gradually get used to the idea and he's quite far behind on the accepting its possible /realising its likely path. It's only as DS has got older that it's been becoming more obvious that some issues aren't maturity things, or just being different to DC1.

tartanterror Wed 25-Jan-17 16:21:03

DH finally began to engage last year - after about 5 years of it being in my head and diagnosis being "what you wanted".... it's tough but keep going for your DS sake. Your DH will come around eventually. As he doesn't do appointments (like many dads) he's able to be in denial and fail to see a diagnosis as a step to advocacy. You are not alone flowers

PenelopeParmesan Wed 25-Jan-17 16:38:41

That does help a bit actually Tartan, thank you.

zzzzz Wed 25-Jan-17 17:30:34

LoneCat Wed 25-Jan-17 17:47:04

It took my DH longer than me to get his head around it, but he got there eventually.

He initially refused to get DD assessed.

I also think the reason he couldn't see DD's difficulties is because quite a lot of people in his immediate family have ASD traits so she was totally 'normal' to him!

The inlaws still deny it all!

youarenotkiddingme Thu 26-Jan-17 20:30:31

I e been on my own with ds since he was 1 so can't really give any useful advise - don't feel qualified!

By I didn't want to ignore. I can empathise with the endless appointments and feeling overwhelmed with it all. flowers

PenelopeParmesan Sat 07-Oct-17 17:06:06

Just a brief update. We now have a diagnosis of ASD.
DH is still a work in progress. But he seems to have stopped/given up suggesting that DS is JUST FINE so that's something.

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