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I think DD needs help. Husband refuses.

(12 Posts)
TathitiPete Fri 06-Jan-17 16:49:57

For a while I've had concerns about DD. Mainly with her not understanding things. That's the biggest worry and the thing that kinda affects everything else because she doesn't seem to 'get' why what she's done is wrong. This really worries me from the point of view that she doesn't understand why she's being disciplined. So it wont be effective. It hasnt so far. Even though she's been told several times not to, for example, kick a toy out from under her little brother leaving him to fall face first onto the floor. She's nearly 4. Another thing we struggle with is toilet training issues. She absolutely refuses to defecate in the toilet. She still wets herself regularly, at playschool, on the sofa, in the supermarket. In the car a lot. But she will also use the toilet sometimes, she might say she needs to go a few times an hour. Another thing which actually annoys me is she will point and grunt or make babyish babbly sounds rather than use her words to ask for something.

The thought that she might need extra help has kind of snuck up on mke the fact that she wasn't progressing passed me by and now she's nearly four but in many ways seems like a two year old still. It probably doesnt help that I fell pregnant when she was two and a half, had DS nine months ago and when he was born he was very, very sick but he recovered from that but then got ill again with something unrelated and has since been diagnosed with a rare illness that is unfortunately there's no cure for. In fact I'm currently filling in forms in relation to DS and a lot of the 'additional needs' section don't apply to him because he's so young but they do apply to DD. I never realised that sleeping problems could be a sign that a child has additional needs. DD is a frequent waker. Although she does settle pretty quickly.

I spoke to the HV at DDs three and a half year developmental checkup and admitted that I was worried about a few things. She gave me a questionnaire to fill on which I did and soon after a letter came from the Health Board asking for consent to have her assessed. I also think it would be a good idea to talk to her playschool.

Anyway, the main problem I have is not with DD, the problem is my husband absolutely refuses to believe she is anything other than perfectly average, just maybe misbehaves sometimes (but he also says she never misbehaves for him which is just simply a lie - or realistically it's more denial) He refuses to agree to have her assessed and you need both parents signatures. He says if she's still like this 'in a year or two' he'll agree to take it further. it's been pointed out to him that the wait list could well be a year or two long so makes sense to send in consent forms now. He has also accused me of 'expecting her to be perfect all the time' and he says she misbehaves because I was too soft with her when she was younger. I'm really struggling here and I have said this to him and that I'd like to ask for help. I'm the one who is day-to-day dealing with her and I have a 9 month old too. I worry about how to deal with her because I don't think I'm currently doing a good job and I also worry about how much more damage I'll be doing by not dealing with her in the most beneficial way in the next possibly four years.

DD massively favours her dad. She has said 'I love you' to him. Whereas she's more likely to tell me to stop if I try to join in with something. I've been told to 'stop, mammy' 'shush' 'not you sing' and even 'go back down the stairs' when I've gone after her to see her safely to the bathroom. When I was pregnant with DS it was my turn to get up with her and she was insistent that her daddy get up with her not me. In fact she closed the bedroom door in my face. It's very hard when I admit 'I'm struggling with her behaviour' and all I get in response is criticism and denial. Like I don't already feel enough like crap admitting to having problems. So, I'll end the huge saga now and ask if anyone has any advice? I don't know what I can do if my husband isn't on board. You do need the two parents to sign, I've checked. I feel like life would be hard enough with support, it's almost unendurable without.

littledinaco Fri 06-Jan-17 17:05:22

What is it you need to get the 2 parents to sign? My DD has been referred for various different assessments and to different consultants etc over the years and my DH has never had to sign anything.

I think you're probably correct in thinking something isn't right and early intervention can make a big difference.

If you had concerns over your DD's hearing/eyesight for example, would your DH be as obstructive and say 'wait a few years' before getting help?!

I know how hard it can be when people dismiss your concerns and make out it's a parenting problem-if only-that would be a lot easier to fix!

Would you consider putting DD in pull ups for the time being? She will get there in the end and it will take the stress out short term. In a few years time it honestly won't matter whether she toilet trained at 2 or 5 or whatever.

TathitiPete Fri 06-Jan-17 17:16:45

Thanks for your response. The thing that we both need to sign is a consent form to have DD assessed for additional needs. I have asked and been told that both parents need to sign. We could put her in nappies, it would feel like a backwards step but idk, that's why I'd love to be able to talk to parents of children with similar issues, to see what helped their DC and get ideas of what to try to help DD.

I don't know how my husband would react to her having an eyesight/hearing problem. I think that would be something he would find it easier to come to terms with. Although when I kept on at doctors to arrange check ups for DS I know he thought I was being over protective and neurotic and I was treating DS differently because of how sick he was when he was born and DS will grow up with a chip on his shoulder thinking the world owes him sonething. But our son has been diagnosed with a disorder that requires regular blood transfusions so it turns out I was right to keep an eye on it.

He doesn't want DD being 'labelled' but I don't care if it means someone will be able to tell me how to deal with her! Hr doesn't understand that it won't change her in any way but it should mean access to help for her. I have said that he's most likely making her suffer as well as me, what if she's struggling to understand what's going on and we could be helping her but we're not.

zzzzz Fri 06-Jan-17 17:37:32

If your child has no issues she won't get a diagnosis. It's as simple as that. Your dh has nothing to fear from assessment. My DS didn't call me mama till 4 and is highly unlikely ever to live independently and was first assessed at 3. He finally achieved dx at 10.

TathitiPete Fri 06-Jan-17 18:26:03

Thank you Z , I did ask him what he was afraid of, they won't tell us she has additional needs if she doesn't. And he thinks she doesn't. So he really has no valid reason not to persue it.

youarenotkiddingme Fri 06-Jan-17 18:28:39

Was going to say exactly what zzzzz did.

If he thinks there is nothing then they will find nothing. So by consenting he's not harming his DD he's actually supporting her. Also assessment may find a delay that she can catch up with therapy. Not everything is life long.
The longer a delay is manifesting and not supported the greater the delay becomes. That is harming her.

TathitiPete Fri 06-Jan-17 19:02:43

Yes youarenot that's one thing I'm worried about. What I might be doing wrong in the wait for her to be assessed that could be making things worse.

I don't know how he can keep denying that there's anything wrong. This evening i n the space of an hour and a half she peed herself three times. He pit her in a time out after doing it the first time. And she went on to do it twice more.

Ekorre Fri 06-Jan-17 19:46:26

Lordy I don't have any advice as I'm a single parent and thank fuck my exh wasn't required to sign anything.

Why doesn't he want her 'labelled'? She/you don't HAVE to tell anyone if she did get a diagnosis. School will be used to kids having extra needs, confidentiality etc. Sorry to be blunt but as is often said on here, is he happy for her to be labelled as the girl who wets herself, who is thick, naughty etc?

zzzzz Fri 06-Jan-17 20:19:46

As far as the toilet training goes, stop the time outs and stop punishing her for being incontinent. Put her back in nappies and get a trampoline to build her stomach muscles. I have 5 children, and what you describe is not kind.

youarenotkiddingme Fri 06-Jan-17 20:52:12

You might not be doing anything wrong. In fact I'll go as far as thinking if you are noticing differences in her and her peers you are likely doing it right.

Time out for wetting herself is counterproductive. Even if he thinks its behaviour the recommended strategy is no attention and help clean mess so it becomes more of a hassle. But I'd just put back in nappies if this is frequent. She may not be ready.

TathitiPete Fri 06-Jan-17 21:29:42

Good point Ekorre I must bring that up. Although he'll probably say that she'll be fine by the time she starts school, which won't be til September 2018. It was the same story with DS, my husband seemed to expect that he'd just magically somehow start to get better. That was before the diagnosis obviously. Maybe he's afraid of DD being 'labelled' and, idk, something like if she has an official diagnosis then that'll mean she can't be helped? But that's a bit backwards I think, DD is more likely to get help if we know exactly what we're helping her with. The two situations are completely different.

And I agree Z and youarenot that she shouldn't be punished for accidents. I haven't said anything before now because I feel like, whatever I'm doing is clearly wrong so what do I know, maybe he's right but after tonight she had two more accidents after being punished so I'm going to say it before she even has another accident that punishing isn't the way to go, it's clearly not helping if she did it twice more and within a short space of time too. In general potty training advice tends to be geared towards much younger children but I guess the same principles apply?

I did say to him that either she has some sort of problem with understanding wrt going in the toilet, or the alternative is that she's fully aware of what she should do and actively chooses not to. I don't think that's any better really.

zzzzz Fri 06-Jan-17 22:51:37

She's only 3, in the last 9 months you've had a baby and presumably been totally focused on getting him diagnosed and coming to terms with that. Give dd and yourselves a break. It's not a race, and she is still so very young. I'd ask for assessment but also think about how you can help her now. Really the early interventions aren't rocket science, it's more like extra support in all areas but basically the same as you do for any child. The benefit of early assessment is that should she need extra help in school it's easier to get if you've already done the leg work.
Here a diagnosis for ASD (for example) takes 3 years (longer for us) so if you start now you are actually looking at her getting it at 6/7. You can pull out at any point and you can insist on confidentiality so no one knows unless you tell them if that's the worry.

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