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Feeling sad and worried we made the wrong decision. Any words of wisdom?

(10 Posts)
shoeshinegirl Tue 03-Jan-17 21:06:51

Towards the end of year 6 in primary school the LA awarded DS an EHCP.
After visiting high schools for September DH and I decided on a SN school.We went a couple of times to view, and SENCO and TA who knew DS really also went. Then we took DS. We all discussed it and decided DS wouldn't cope we mainstream. This SN school seemed perfect.
Since September there have been a few little things that worried me. DS saying he was being pushed over for one. Told DS he must tell a member of staff, he said there wasn't any point because he was told so children just don't realise it;s wrong to push. While that might be true it shouldn't mean DS is being pushed about. Another time a boy wouldn't let him get in his locker. Lot's of other little things. Spoke to Senco before they finished for Christmas and she said they are going to move him to another class because the one he's in is noisy and DS doesn't cope very well with load noise.
While that may help with some of the problems I can't help but think we made a big mistake. I feel like there is very little communication. I had to ask for a home to school book even though they know DS has a memory problem.
Then tonight for the first time every he has cried because he's back at school tomorrow. He has always struggled with school but always loved going.
I feel like I'm letting him down sad

beautifulgirls Tue 03-Jan-17 21:33:22

Sorry to hear that this is happening to your DS. I think you need to go in and speak with the school and don't let them fob you off with "but it happens" type answers. If despite their efforts he remains unhappy then maybe you can consider a move to another school - but don't write off SN schools as some are truely lovely. The thing is one size doesn't fit all and my DD1 would not fit in at many SN schools - she sounds a lot like your son really, wouldn't know how to deal with a problem like being pushed and would get upset because of the "bad behaviour" seen in other children. DD goes to a lovely school now and was positively excited at going back today, but it took a lot of looking and a lot of fighting to get the place there for her on her EHCP. Try and get the current school to document any problems as they happen as you may need this as evidence that he is not in the right placement. There should be regular EHCP reviews so bring this up yourself at these as well to start making the right people aware.

Give him a big hug and tell him he is amazing and work through it all together.

zzzzz Wed 04-Jan-17 11:17:31

Second term here too. We had quite a bumpy term last term too. sad. No real advice but our experiences sound similar.

OneInEight Wed 04-Jan-17 13:06:32

We have had to work very had to get the placement right for ds1 and if I am honest is a work in progress. I think I thought once we got a specialist placement it would be plain sailing but far from it. The saving grace is that the school do listen to us and are trying to make things better for ds1. A change of class did help when he was getting very anxious when another child kept poking him so this may work for your ds also. All I can say is keep up the lines of communication in a non-confrontational way and use what is written in your ds's EHCP plan e.g. ds1's says an aim is to feel safe, calm environment etc to argue your points about unacceptable noise or touching.

shoeshinegirl Wed 04-Jan-17 20:58:24

Thank you for your replies.
DS has changed classes today, and I must say he has come home so much happier. It's a quieter class ,which DS needs. It is in his EHCP about how he doesn't cope well with noise etc, and that it makes him anxious. I also know the SENCO from primary discussed this with them before DS started there. We were even told he would start September in the class he is now in, so not sure why they changed it to begin with. Hopefully DS will now settle and things will improve.
I think I was just having a wobble that we were wrong to pick this school. I kept remembering the caseworker from the LA telling me he would be better at mainstream,and I started to think maybe she was right.But I really don't think he would cope. He's struggling now in a school with 145 pupils. The mainstream school has 134 per year, and is 2 big sites. He gets lost around a tiny school because of his poor working memory.
Just need to work on the communication now.

zzzzz Wed 04-Jan-17 21:09:43

It's actually a relief to talk about it. Not such a great day here. ds is genuinely terrified of one of the older children (nb this doesn't mean anything dreadful has happened as ds does scare quite easily and if it isn't rationalised for him immediately it can grow....and we've had the whole holidays) sadly he was in the playground when we arrived this morning and again at pick up. ds was shaking. I find it so hard to stand on the side lines. sad
Otherwise school seems to be ok though I have yet to find out if they are teaching him anything grin

shoeshinegirl Wed 04-Jan-17 21:25:34

zzzzz I feel for you and your DS. It's such a worry.
I have been having doubts for a while but was hoping it was just me finding it hard to let go. At Primary I walked DS every day and had a great relationship with most staff, his TA and SENCO were the best. Now DS gets picked up at 7.30 by a minibus and dropped off at 3.30. I don't see any of the staff, so was and still are finding that difficult. Plus DS is travel sick so has to take tablets every day, which I feel guilty about too.
DS has learnt how to do himself toast, in the toaster while I was upstairs and without telling me. They have life skills lessons shock grin

venys Wed 04-Jan-17 21:52:08

Sounds good they have moved him into a quieter class. My son is a bit like that and needs space and a bit of quiet. But wondering if it transpires that the SN school doesn't work out, is there a mainstream school in your borough with a unit attached that would suit his condition? For example one with a moderate learning disability unit? My son attends a school like that which is good for him as he doesn't have to deal with so many kids having unpredictable behaviour and/or meltdowns as he couldn't really cope with that. But he still gets lots of support from his TAs and the space needed to learn in the unit when it's appropriate.

shoeshinegirl Wed 04-Jan-17 22:06:23

venys there is a mainstream school with a unit that we viewed. Well it was a class room more than a unit. It didn't feel the right place for DS. We also got the impression that any of the pupils that caused disruption in school were set here too. It some how felt like exclusion rather than inclusion.
Plus it was too far away for me to be able to get DS there and back, but to close for transport.

zzzzz Wed 04-Jan-17 22:36:55

We looked at a unit and ms too, all of which were options but I felt (and still feel) that ss offers ds freedom within the school which he wouldn't have otherwise.

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