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How do I deal with these comments in ASD son's communication book?

(5 Posts)
Usernamealreadyexists Sat 05-Nov-16 09:26:55

Ds is 5 with HFA. He is in a lovely school and is happy there but my feeling is that he is viewed as the instigator of issues and gets the blame. There seems to be a few issues between him and another boy (X). X is socially very sophisticated, physically a lot stronger, and probably seen as the 'cool' guy in the class. My ds likes playing chasing games with him but, in the past, doesn't know when to stop. This resulted In X hitting him and pushing him to the extent that DS's knee bled. The teacher seemed to justify it by saying the boy had been patient with ds. I let it go.

Yesterday, in his communication book, teacher wrote the following regarding the ds and X:

"Regarding today, sadly not a great day. We had an incident where X and
DS had a disagreement where Ds's Math book was ripped as a result. After
speaking to them about this in the limited amount of time I had, I gathered that
it was an accident and I repaired the book for dS.

I asked ds what happened. He said he left a gap in the line for another boy to take. Boy X left his place behind ds to take that gap. DS pushed him, X ripped his book. I asked ds why he pushed X and he said he shouldn't have pushed in and stayed in his place behind him. Those of you with kids in the spectrum may recognize this type of rule-based, logical thinking.

My worry is that the teacher hadn't gathered the facts and treated it with the seriousness it deserved.

In another incident, ds got into trouble for running to the front of the lunch line. As a result, a child got pushed. Ds was entirely in the wrong and I won't justify it. I asked him why he did it. He said another boy ran to the table and he was copying him. I gather the other boy wasn't reprimanded. Ds was told he would go to the Head if it continued and he cried.

On another occasion, he was brought inside for playing a fun game in the playground. School are stamping down on such games. Fair enough. We don't own any toy guns or have access to tv shows where guns are present. I did agree with school that if he was getting overstimulated, to bring him in him but they used this time to punish him. Other boys play this but aren't punished in the same way.

How do I express to the teacher that it is vitally important that he is treated with fairness. I get the impression he's a bit of an easy target for teachers to blame him whilst tolerating the behavior of others.

A boy deliberately tripped ds up in class last week which resulted in him hurting his head. I wasn't informed of this or the time x spat at him.

I'm feeling quite upset about how it's being handled and could do with some advice on how to deal with teachers to guide them with their feedback and treatment of him.

FrayedHem Sat 05-Nov-16 10:08:31

It's a tricky one. I would be very unhappy, but IME, I'd say it's unlikely the school will actually openly admit your DS is being punished more harshly than the other children. Which leaves you with what to do. I would definitely start with the tripping incident - head injuries are not something they should be keeping quiet about, nor being spat on. I think that could lead on nicely to the other issues - does the communication book contain any positives about your son's behaviour or is it all negative comments?

I would look to arrange a meeting with the SENCo &/or Class Teacher and take it from there.

zzzzz Sat 05-Nov-16 13:32:06

I try to approach things in the least aggressive/confrontational way. No man woman or child likes to be criticised and very very few people are big enough to take it. On top of that teachers are in fact often very lonely and isolated, so I try to be part of what helps not another voice telling them quite how wrong they are getting things.

I would write an email explaining that you are beginning to feel very worried about ds at school, both how he is perceived and how he feels about the way he is treated. Explain the incedents that have lead tot his worry briefly and non Judgementally. So "ds was punished by being brought in from play for playing gun games but says others aren't", "ds was spat at on xx/xx/xx and I am concerned that he doesn't have the social skills to deal with that sort of thing", etc etc make them short bullet point sentences in date order.

Explain his dx and how you feel it might be impacting things.

Ask if you could help at home with any support/talk to help him.

Ask if they could come up with a clear plan for ds so that things can get better.

Suggest days/times when you could come in and discuss how you can all work together to make school happier for him.

Thank them for their help and tell them how much ds likes school and how much you want it all to work.

smile and when it does get better write and tell them how much it HAS helped and how much happier you all are.

(if it doesn't get better then you have dated evidence of all that has been tried and a starting point for improving things.)

Usernamealreadyexists Sat 05-Nov-16 22:12:50

Thank you both. Zzzzzz absolutely agree with every word you say. Whilst I have been seething inside, I have always been very positive with them, told them how much I appreciate their effort etc . I do feel he is being treated unjustly and I worry he will be seen as a target if teachers are brushing aside other kids being mean to him.
I appreciate your posts.

tartanterror Sun 06-Nov-16 19:01:09

Sorry to hear your DS is having some problems. We had a bit of this last year and it changed with a change of teacher this year. No advice really but keeping fingers crossed for you. Sounds like it's maybe a need for support in the unstructured times outside lessons - do they run a lunchtime club for kids struggling in the playground- he will not be the only one...

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