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Do any of you have problems with family members discriminating against your child with SN?

(18 Posts)
lottieandmia Thu 27-Oct-16 16:41:07

I already posted about this the other day but recently my uncle gave my two younger children £10 each and left out my oldest dd who is 14 and has severe autism.

He has already annoyed me by saying my daughter is 'killing' us (she is not - she is hard work sometimes but she's a lovely girl and no less of a person than my other dds) she actually is not nearly as 'difficult' as my family make out. He doesn't say hello to her but says hello and wants to engage with the other two.

So this, for me was the last straw. I sent the money back to him with a letter telling him I will not accept discrimination against dd1, that I am offended that he took a swipe at me in saying (apparently) that if he gave her money it would be absorbed into the household costs.

My mum has taken his side and called me a disloyal bitch. Obviously my loyalty lies with the child I gave birth to!

I am just so sick of my negative, unpleasant family. And I am sick of people pressuring me to put her into care. I feel so alone.

Does anyone else have to deal with this kind of thing?

zzzzz Thu 27-Oct-16 17:33:37

Not so obvious but my family have little understanding of our lives and the stresses that we are under. Some of them try. Some really don't. I find it hard sometimes but it is what it is.

lottieandmia Thu 27-Oct-16 18:08:16

The irony is that I'm sure loads of people in my family are on the spectrum themselves but they just don't even realise it!

My daughter did ABA for years and was always treated so well and also at all the schools that she has attended. I really don't think there is any excuse for it.

But then you look at the referendum result and see how most people think....

zzzzz Thu 27-Oct-16 18:26:18

I'm not sure I see the connection with the referendum [ confused]

lottieandmia Thu 27-Oct-16 19:54:14

What I mean is that people have ideas which don't necessarily match up to reality (i.e. The notion that if we were out of the EU the NHS would be better funded. It turns out this was not the case)

But you would think that a man who had a disabled wife for 50 years would understand the hurt that disability discrimination can cause.

zzzzz Thu 27-Oct-16 19:56:47

He sounds horrid, but probably best just to forget him now he is out of your life.

lottieandmia Thu 27-Oct-16 19:57:27

I have but my immediate family are now laying into me about it.

zzzzz Thu 27-Oct-16 20:12:59

Why not just not see them for a bit?

lottieandmia Thu 27-Oct-16 20:31:51

Yes. Probably the best thing. I hate confrontations but I had to do this.

MrsSam Fri 28-Oct-16 09:42:58

That is awful and I completely understand how hurt you are that your family won't back you in this. I am particularly fortunate that my family are unusually close for this day and age (I thought we were normal until the last few years) and they are all very understanding and supportive. However my friend who has a child with Asperger and other complex issues has struggled to get family support for her daughter for many years. I agree with zzzzz, it's probably best to take a step away from them, it's exactly what my friend had to do for a while. As far as your daughter killing you goes, some days she probably does, I know some days my own children leave me feeling utterly destroyed, but that doesn't mean I love them any less or they are any less important to me! No one else lives your life, it's none of their business.

DorothyL Fri 28-Oct-16 09:49:17

I don't speak to my brother anymore due to his treatment of my ds.

lottieandmia Fri 28-Oct-16 10:21:25

Well at least I'm not the only one.

I don't think referring to a child in that way (killing you) is decent behaviour from anyone because it's so negative. My daughter has had a difficult couple of years, mainly because she's been in a completely inappropriate school and since she moved her behaviours have already improved.

BishopBrennansArse Fri 28-Oct-16 10:37:15

Not discrimination but lots of wilful misunderstanding "they'll grow out of it, right?" (Autism)

The absolute worst was a relative that worked in a residential care facility for children with autism. He was very much of the opinion that as he could do it and have a life too me and DH both being carers was somehow 'weak' - there was no need for that we should both have jobs too. He didn't consider that he worked shifts and could leave it behind for the other 16 hours of the day and get unbroken sleep. He didn't consider that my kids have multiple complex needs aside from autism including renal, cardiac issues, CFS and several other issues and the sheer volume of hospital and educational appointments that entails. He told me the strategies I used with the kids are 'wrong' and expected to see me doing things 'his' way - which led to meltdowns - as we know here one strategy does not fit all!

Unfortunately several family members agreed with him and that led to accusations of being lazy and scrounging. So I cut that whole part of the family off about four years ago and my life is so much better for it.

lottieandmia Fri 28-Oct-16 11:36:13

Bishop - omg angryangry for you. How dare they judge you that way. I'm not surprised you cut contact.

WellTidy Mon 31-Oct-16 18:32:20

There are some very sad stories here, I feel for all of you who have experienced such hurtful and incomprehensible words and treatment. I find it hard to deal with family members are friends who have very little understanding of how day to day life, let alone longer term issues, impact on all of us as a family. They expect so, so much of us, and, in trying to deliver, the people who 'suffer' is us. They just go back to their much easier lives. But that is nothing compared to others' experiences. flowers

Olympiathequeen Thu 03-Nov-16 14:02:48

I think just ignore them and their awful attitude. Frankly do you need them? What message does it give your other children if DD1 is left out? They sound truly awful.

lottieandmia Fri 04-Nov-16 09:36:25

The fact I have stood up to him seem to have caused a rift in the family where some people completely agree with me and others think that I should have kept quiet as though because I'm younger I don't have a right to air my opinions. Well I couldn't care less about them - it's their problem and if they can't see how wrong it is then shame on them.

MrsJ0612 Fri 04-Nov-16 12:06:58

Not discrimination as such but an unbelievable lack of understanding and support - sheer denial at most, to the point a certain person has accused professionals of having "warped minds" during my DD's diagnosis :/ :/ We tend to keep our distance these days, shame when my side of the family is so small sad

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